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I must be mad.

Not angry mad, but wacko mad. Itís the only explanation for how I feel. I am an oxymoron and a dichotomy. Blessed and cursed. Full and yet so utterly empty. My life is the envy of everyone I meet. I have a great job, a great home, and a great kid. Iím college educated, own a home; 2 cars; a swimming pool; 2 computers; 4 TVs; have excellent credit and no debt. My kid is well adjusted, gets good grades, and attends college. I have good friends and money in the bank. My parents are still married and all my siblings are alive and well. I have been untouched by murder, rape, crime, terrorism, cancer, aids, racism or bigotry. Iíve reached every goal Iíve set out to achieve and Iím under 45. If Lady Luck has a favorite, Iím it. So why do I feel so completely and utterly unfulfilled?

I must be mad.

Itís possible, I suppose, that Iím not alone. There might be others out there like me, but Iíll never know. This madness of mine is a quiet curse I can share with no one. Who can empathize with the hollow whining of an upper middle class white guy who wants for nothing? Iím embarrassed when I hear myself, yet the emptiness persists. I canít even tell my wife. How could I tell her without implying that she leaves me empty as well? So I sit silent and the emptiness persists.

I must be mad.

Maybe itís the war or the high terror alert, but I donít think thatís it. A lack of faith, chemical imbalance, or clinical depression? No, no, and no. So why am I so unfulfilled?

I must be mad.

I remember when I was younger, hungrier, and driven to achieve all the things that I thought were the keys to success and happiness. All the things I have now, yet the emptiness persists.

I must be mad.

Iím not unhappy. My life is good, it just isnít enough. I live in envy of those with passion and purpose. Those driven to answer their soulís calling. Those who can sleep at night and die knowing their life fulfilled a purpose. My soul searching comes up empty.

I must be mad.

Maybe my purpose is to help you not become me. To convince you to live your dreams now. To remind you that wealth, security, and pursuit of the American Dream will not fulfill you, give you purpose, or satisfy your soulís calling. Donít let the madness steal your dreams and suffocate your calling. Listen to your soul, follow your heart, and donít become me.

I must be mad.

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The following comments are for "I Must Be Mad"
by TimPro

Dude, after reading that first poem of yours, I knew I wanted to read more. Haven't read the wanna be a writer thing, but I will. As far as this one goes, if you truly feel that way, I can empathize. I am on the other end of the spectrum though. My wife is like you. She wants the 2.5 kids blah blah blah... but at the cost of what? I ask her. What about her dreams? She says she doesn't really have any. I think you are an old soul like me. You can tell by people's eyes. Talk to Tina Louise about it, she'll tell you. The poem itself is great man. I've always held that courage in the face of everything and anything, the will to at least recognize that you have dreams, and the balls to fulfill them is the goal of my life. If I help humanity in the process, great, because my personal goals are not selfish. I suggest you begin seeking. What do you like? What do you like to do? Think back to your childhood and try to remember what you really liked to do... and do it.

( Posted by: Robert Walker [Member] On: September 2, 2005 )

I must be MAD too
I can relate to how you're feeling. Sometimes, when things are going well, you can sit back and enjoy it for a moment or two - but eventually, you become restless. It's almost as if the drive, the push forward is what keeps you going. In my case anyway, I'm always looking for the next obstacle to overcome; the next "mountain" to climb - and without that goal, that challenge, I too feel empty.

At times, it feels almost like an addition; maybe a chemical addiction similar to what gamblers, or kleptomaniacs or sex addicts feel.

chasing that "rush" of life...

If that's what you mean by "mad" then no, you're not alone...

( Posted by: rajengineer [Member] On: September 4, 2005 )

Nice piece. Often I struggle with disappointment in the face of material success. Many people would kill for my job, yet I want something else. I have my own theories, but the point is, you are not alone and there is an answer for you.

( Posted by: BigD [Member] On: December 8, 2005 )

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