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Only On Fox!
by Pythagoras

This Just In:

Republican Operative/News Anchor: Fox News has linked the creation of Hurricane Katrina to Bill Clinton thanks in large part to one brave and courageous American who has come forward to share his eyewitness account.

Now, you won’t be seeing our next guest on any of those other news channels, because they’re…ya know…liberal. But here on Fox News, we believe you have the right to hear both sides of the story especially when it’s someone spreading rumors and innuendo about one of our…heh, heh, I mean one of the Republican’s political opponents. Go to tape please.

Video of crazed man in straightjacket: “I saw that bastard Bill Clinton rowing out toward Cuba last week. I thought that he was just going there to get whores and cigars….after all, you know how he likes both of those, but when I heard of Hurricane Katrina being formed, I put two and two together and…

Republican Operative/News Anchor: So you didn’t actually see Bill Clinton create this deadly hurricane?

Video of crazed man in straightjacket: Sure I did, cause later that night I had a dream and I saw that dirty old man with one hand on the boat’s oar and one hand on his own oar, and as a result he could only row in a circle…and that’s how this hurricane was formed. I saw it as clear as the nose on my face.

Republican Operative/News Anchor: Well, there you go. You can question his sanity, the validity of his story, and even our motives but here on Fox News, we report you decide.

(Please ignore the mountains of scientific evidence that disproves our previous guest’s story.)

Republican Operative/News Anchor: And for those of you keeping track, we have now managed to link Bill Clinton to 3,743 tragic world events including the death of Pope John Paul, the Great Ronald Reagan’s Alzheimer’s, the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln, and the fall of the Roman Empire.

Thank you for watching Fox...the most powerful name in news.

This Just In: Fox News is pleased to inform you that George Bush has abolished the most liberal of all documents, the Bill Of Rights, and before the leftist media can turn this into something ugly, Fox News would like to remind you that you can still have freedom without rights and…umm…liberties….and uhh…anyone who tells you differently just hates America.

Fox News. We Really Love America Even Though We’re Owned by an Australian.

Later on Fox News: Tonight, on Hannity and Colmes, we will have 15 of the 30 members of the Nixon Administration who went to prison for various counts of burglary, conspiracy, illegal wiretaps and obstruction of justice. Hannity will be reminding you that they were all great Americans, and Colmes, who recently had his tongue removed, will repeatedly shake his head as G. Gordon Liddy farts directly in his face.

Fox News…We give it to you straight.

Later on Fox News: Tonight, on the Factor, Bill confronts another leftist, communist, radical, extremist, who hates America and freedom and who probably has sexual fantasies involving food products. Here is a highlight:

Bill: My next guest served as a nurse during World War II, had two children and a cousin die defending this country during the Vietnam War, and has since devoted her life to the care of paraplegic orphans. Good Evening, Ms. Franklin, thanks for joining us.

Ms. Franklin: Thanks for having me, Bill.

Bill: Now, we’re going to git to your life story in a minute Ms. Franklin, because it truly is interesting, but first I’d like to ask you a question. I’ve been informed that just last week you told a friend that Al Franken has won 5 Emmy’s. Is this correct?

Ms. Franklin: I don’t see what relevance that has, Bill, to anything.

Bill: Will you please just answer the question. Did you or did you not mention to your friend that that SOB, Stuart Smalley, has won 5 Emmy’s?

Ms. Franklin:Well…umm…yes, I did.

Bill: Ms. Franklin, with all do respect, you make me sick! Ya know, I thought you were a great American for all of the sacrifices you have made, but occassionally, even I can be wrong. How could you go around praising that lying bastard with these baseless untruths? Are you senile? Retarded? Or some combination of both?

Ms. Franklin: But, Bill, he has won 5 Emmy’s…

Bill:That’s it. Cut her damn mike! I try to talk rationally with you people, but it’s impossible. It is leftist nitwits like yourself who are ruining this country, and I will not allow you to use my show to spread your politically motivated spin. You dried up old, fart. Damn, you make me sick….YOU ANTI-AMERICAN NAZI!

Fox News, We like to yell at people with their microphones turned off.

Next Week on Fox News: Here’s a sample of next week’s important, fair and balanced reports you’ll be getting from Fox News:

  • Does Michael Moore really hate Jesus?
  • Is George Bush the Best President Ever?
  • More evidence that America would be greater if wealthy people didn't have to pay taxes.
  • Should you believe in science? The Bible says you shouldn’t and here’s why you’d be better off if you didn't?
  • Ann Coulter explains how liberals are destroying America, and why if you see one, you should beat them about the face and head with a baseball bat.
  • Pat Robertson explains how the Ten Commandments do not apply to old, religious wealthy people and that God still wants you to send him money.

  • ------
    What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

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    The following comments are for "Only on Fox!"
    by Pythagoras

    It was alright. Gross exaggerations like this are rarely funny. The last bit with the interview...not funny. It was just too ridiculous.

    ( Posted by: tqoftu [Member] On: December 12, 2007 )

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