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Roberts Vows Sex Change if Confirmed
In sworn testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee today, Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts stated that he plans to undergo sex-change surgery in response to opponents’ demands for another female nominee.
“Equality,” smirked Roberts while making quotes in the air with two fingers of each hand, “means that sex shouldn’t matter. But if it will make you godless sinners happy, I vow to become a woman if confirmed… or maybe even if I’m not- oh forget that last part I meant if confirmed. My member is in your hands. You truly have me by the balls.” Roberts then removed his robe. He wore nothing else but a pair of black wingtip shoes with argyle socks and a deservedly confident smile.
Roberts went on to state that he is “just as as black as Jacko or Clarence Thomas so you can kiss my black ass” before being wrapped in a flag and led to an “undisclosed location” for “further evaluation” according to an “unidentified source”.
Reaction from his opponents from both ends of the political spectrum, as well as from his supporters, remains mostly shocked expressions and stunned silence. A White House “spokesman” “declined to comment”.
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do."
- Ralph 'Where's Waldo' Emerson
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like. And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
- Bilbo Baggins