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L.T WUZ HERE "2005"
--------------------
I
wonder if maybe you noticed it too….
Every year the sky
doesn’t seem as blue
as it did
and the leaves
don’t fall like they used to
when I was a kid

The seasons
used to bring fresh breezes
and now it’s just a wind
with a tinge
of decay
that never eases
like allergic reactions
that won’t go away

remember when you’d carve
your name in a tree
you thought it would be there
forever
not only is the tree not there
but maybe where the tree is
it's better

I
don’t know
what it is
but when I was a kid
I’d look to the sky
and wonder where all the birds live
now I know
they just flew away
so that they could die

think about it,
all you do in life is fly
then you're dead-in mid-flight
it wasn't even something you liked

all I see is time passing me by
us by
all of us
without effecting the day
and nothing for the heart
we’re just gonna die
or combust
I’m not going out that way
I will make my mark
I must



lamemansterms

------
If a poet ruled the world......what a pleasant place it would be!
~L.T


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Comments

The following comments are for "I WAS HERE (I SWEAR)"
by LamemansTerms

I WUZ ERE
LMT,

The premis behind this poetry is good, I have actually returned to it a few times and not commented because I was unable to find comfort in your poetic style.

There are two things that are needed for a poem to succesfully be 'enjoyed' by me. One is the content, the best narration without meaning is empty.

The other is it's form and acceptability be it free verse or rhyme.

On this one I I could not get to grips with the fact that it rhymed in places and seemed to be written to appear as free verse.

I am a rhyming poet and I will attempt to put this into my style to show what I mean. I hope you will understand this is only to show the difference I would find and no doubt if it was transferd into pure free verse would also be acceptable. I just don't like the mix.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wonder if maybe you notice it too….
Every year now, the sky does not seem as blue.
And even tree's leaves never fall as they did,
In the way I remember when I was a kid.

Fresh breezes each season, would bring on their way,
But now they bring gales with a tinge of decay
They used to refresh and help lighten our day,
But now carry allergies, ever to stay.

When young as I carved my first name on a tree,
I thought it would stay there for eternity
But now with time's passage, my name has been lost,
And also the tree, to improve at all cost.

I still can remember when I was a kid,
All the birds in the sky, where did they all live?
But now when I see them, all flying on high,
I wonder just where they all now fly to die.

Throughout our lifetimes we all of us fly,
Though seldom we like all the things that we try.
But time passes swiftly and nought marks the way,
To show in our hearts that we've lived through each day.

In youth I had visions that I'd make my mark,
But the way things am going, the worlds growing dark.
I must change direction, I can't go this way
I must fly up higher... bring on a new day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know that I have altered a little the wording but tried to stay with what I 'felt' from your poem just to show how the vessel it is delivered in can effect the outcome.

I am sure that others will find your original version more acceptable, but I would prefer to see it flowing in free verse without any noticable rhyme.

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: August 27, 2005 )

ivor
Yeah I do see what you mean. I didn't mean for it to be bouncing from rhyme to not. Maybe it is the structure of it. I think it does rhyme all the way through. Just not a conventional form. For instance;
I
wonder if maybe you noticed it too….
Every year the sky
doesn’t seem as blue
as it did
and the leaves
don’t fall like they used to
when I was a kid
a b a b c d b c(I think I did this right)
I don' t know maybe you are right cause now as I read it with yours I see a couple of places that I could have been more deliberate on my rhyme instaead of trying to be tricky. I appreciate your feedback and opinions, thanks Ivor I really do appreciate that.
mike

( Posted by: lamemansterms [Member] On: August 27, 2005 )





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