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pag-iisang pangalan
pagsasanib ng katawan

pag-iisang kapalaran
pagsasanib ng kamalayan

init ng mga yakap
sa labi ng pagiging ganap

pag-inog ng oras
pag-imbulog ng panahon

kubli sa dilim
hiwaga ng pag-ibig

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The following comments are for "pag-iisang dibdib"
by yellowpaintedsky

ayus pare
excellent metaphors for marriage and the blessed union in love. May I suggest that you strenthen the last four lines?

"pag-inog ng oras
pag-imbulog ng panahon

kubli sa dilim
hiwaga ng pag-ibig"

The above lines depart from the rhythm of the first and the rhyme/aliteration of the first "couplets". pag-inog ng oras and pag-imbulog ng panahon are almost repetitious in their metaphors, and thus seem redundant already.

The last two lines are excellent in their mysteries of the first night of marriage but came ourt of nowhere. Perhaps you can create a stronger ending for the poem.

The poem as a whole however has much promise and could be a very good piece when polished to perfection.

( Posted by: webguy [Member] On: July 19, 2005 )

Joanne - pag-inog
Hi, while i see that your first lines are excellent, i am not sold out to 'pag-inog ng oras'. For me, it doesn't seem that way. An hour doesn't go 'round like the globe. 'Pag-imbulog ng panahon' is very good too. But then 'Kubli sa dilim' is another no-no. Married couples don't anymore hide in the dark except if they are the adventurous types and they enjoy outdoor sex. Yes, they make love inside the room but a 'lights-out' is not necessary. Oh, yeah but maybe when they are really newly-weds and on their first nights, one or both of them might not want a very bright room. 'Pag-iisang kapalaran' and 'pagsasanib ng kamalayan' are great. :)

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: July 20, 2005 )

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