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The air is crisp with the promise of new snow,
my bedroom, whitewashed with morning sun.
In my sleepy confusion, I reach for your pillow
to stroke your face with my finger, and kiss you below the ear.

I twist my hips toward yours
to drape my knee across your waist
and nestle my breasts against your ribs,
basking in the simple joy of our union.

But my involuntary smile fades as my heavy lids part
and the room that I find myself in is not ours.
Trappings, exclusively feminine, surrounded me.
I ache for the sense of belonging that I once felt with you.

For a moment, I try to chase the memories away,
then reach for the robe you bought me last Christmas,
clutching it against my neck with an empty embrace;
pressing my lashes together, to taste for a moment, yesterdayís honey.

Like a faded home movie, images soothe and haunt me;
of Vintner's Reserve and cotton napkins, dripping wax, bed sheets in disarray,
of sneaking love notes into your pocket and waving you off to work
with wisps of winter dancing across my toes at dawn.

Burrowing my face into the terrycloth collar
I seek a hint of your scent,
knowing, too well, that seasons have left and returned
since your sweet cologne has hung about my neck.

Then, like a sudden storm that catches me unaware,
my heart is darkened with a heaviness I canít escape
as I think of you with her,
suspecting your secretive heart had been with her all the while.

Your confirming words mock and echo;
I am the desire of your heart,
a treasure beyond your most hopeful dreams...
How easily I had trusted.

During those early months together,
I floated on the hope and promises
that you generously poured out
when you replaced heart-piercing despair with security,
in a cocoon of infinite love you called unconditional.

Shaking the picture from my head of us at the airport - crazy in love,
I desperately pry off the intensity of a moment now expired
trying to accept that it couldnít have been real --
embarrassed by how completely convinced I had been.

Your eyes still burn to my core, like the day of your return
as you clenched my hands in yours after speeding home to my embrace, saying, "I love you and must have you always,"
and that you'd never again bear a tortured trip without me.

Now, my "lovers sanity" hinges on believing
that it was true for you then, too;
yet you'd oft still wrestled with her fleshly ghost
though you had denied her openly, fearing the whispers of men.

Her angry finger, her open hand about to strike your face,
broke my heart that wretched night
as she attacked you with venomous tongue.
I withstood her accusations with quiet, graceful support.

Halt, you restless tangled thoughts!
Think, rather, on the undone lists beneath my pen,
and the busy, happy hum of my children filling my rooms -- so I can forget what I donít understand.

Yes, shun too, the attentions of well-meaning suitors;
and fortify my heart from the deceits of men,
while I watch inlovedness safely from the sidelines
of a game Iím not qualified to play.


(AS)

------
Here, I share, with stark honesty, my life.


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Comments

The following comments are for "In My Sleepy Confusion"
by FeliciaStone

r.e.m.embering


You have condensed an extended and heartbreaking betrayal to the moments and impressions of a single sleepy morn. Slumber's peace yields to harsh reality. Amazing.

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: July 16, 2005 )

Why am I not surprised?
This is another wonderful peice by you! I love how, instead of saying in numeric fashion how long He had been gone, you referred to seasons passing.........absolutely brilliant. I thought that I had been absent for too long, but I see have not missed much from you.....so perhaps I have returned just in time! Love it!

Elle

( Posted by: eleanor [Member] On: July 26, 2005 )

cool
cotton napkins, dripping wax, bed sheets in disarray,
of sneaking love notes into your lunchbox and waving you off to work
with wisps of winter dancing across my toes at dawn.

i enjoyed reading the beginning but i must say the transition did not appeal to me. this is just me, i like the message of a poem to be consistent or maybe containing one solid emotion throughout. at the beginning i thought you were actively engaged in a happy relationship and then towards the end...wait, wait a minute. another Woman?! bah.

like i said this is just me. but i believe a poem is time set still. and maybe there's one emotion that you might have wanted to express througout the poem.

nonetheless, as the subject states, "cool"

( Posted by: FangChen [Member] On: July 27, 2005 )

felicicia...
i thought i was at times the only one that dreamt and reached in earnest...
i love this one and this is so, so different and I love it....

Robinbird

( Posted by: Robinbird [Member] On: July 28, 2005 )

Soos, Elle, FangChen,Robin
Thank you all for reading and commenting. Between computer problems and busy days with summer projects and fun, I hadn't been on much.

Soos: I always appreciate your feedback and sharp wittiness (r.e.m...) I miss reading your work and look forward to school starting again so I can get back to it.

Elle: How I miss you!!!!! Thanks for the comment. I hope to see you here more in September as well. I know you have your hands full for now.

FangChen: Funny, I wrote very similar comments (to yours here) on one of Elle's pieces. I know exactly what you mean. As a reader, I like to stay in the mood and tend to feel ripped off when I am thrown off a cliff like that. However, as a writer, writing the piece directly after the experience described, I needed it to be honest in order for it to be therapeutic.

Robin: I'm glad you could relate to this piece. Don't those dreams do a number on you!

Thanks all: It's nice to cross paths with some of my favorite writers again!

Felicia




( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: August 3, 2005 )

Sleepy confusion
Felicia, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. This poem made my heart ache. What a feeling to wake up from a dream and find a reality you do not want. Thank you for sharing this my friend it was written beautifully.

Welcome home, you were missed.
Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Member] On: September 26, 2005 )

Felicia - Sleepy Confusion
A good read that really satisfies, Felicia. You are very much aware of what's happening in your mind, that's why you were really able to write them down, eloquently. Sometimes there are moments that are very hard to capture and express, sometimes writers leave the inexpressible to 'some things that aren't written in-between', but here you really delved deeper and even deeper-deeper... :) A very honest poem.

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: September 27, 2005 )

Nae - thank you
Nae,

So great to be back. I've missed Lit!

You have always been so wonderfully supportive of my work. Thanks for finding good things to say - I know that most of my work is so rough.

By the way, your avitar is beautiful!

Warm Regards,

Felicia


( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: September 27, 2005 )

Peterpaulino
Thanks for reading and commenting on this piece. I'm glad to hear someone liked it as it was. I know that with the warm start, some felt ripped-off so to speak when it turned cold. However, it was written as my therapy directly after waking up in just this situation.

Thanks again for your nice comments!

Felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: September 27, 2005 )





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