By: Bob Reinhardt
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(I meet Jesuschriss on the top floor of a carpet manufacturing company. Earlier, on the phone, he told us that the sounds of the machines relax him. Outside the two story window, thousands of fans have come to catch just a small glimpse of him. He shows up and takes his seat without introduction, because, you see, he doesn't need one. A legend for all time: Jesuschriss.)
I: First of all I want to thank you for taking the time to do this interview. I know alot of people will be thrilled about it. We haven't seen much of you in the past few months.
JC: Well, I want to thank you for having me, really thank you. I appreciate it, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. So don't be too afraid or shy to ask something. I'm an open book, pal. And yes, I'm sure my fans will be excited. I haven't really been around lately. And for that I apologize. (screams) You hear me out there, fans? (Outside the building a thousand teenie boppers applaud. Jesuschriss laughs, makes a V-shape with his fingers and shoves his tongue in it.)
I: So what have you been up to?
JC: Well, that's a bit personal, don't you think?
I: I thought you said you were an open. . .
JC: Look, pal. (as he points in my face) I didn't come here to argue. I came here to give my fans and the world what they want: Me. So, I'll answer your silly little questions. Bring 'em on.
I: So, what have you been up to lately?
JC: That again, huh? You people just never quit. You wanna know what I've been up to. Well, let's see. I got to level 118 on Millipede the other day. That was pretty intense. Umm. Uh. I gave a stranger a suppository.
I: How was that?
JC: Gooey. (We laugh together) No, it really was. Gooey. Gooey. (More laughter)
I: I'm glad you enjoyed it.
JC: (Immediately stops laughing) Hold on now, buddy. Nobody said I enjoyed it. Okay? Let's get something straight. JesusChriss does NOT enjoy shoving things in old men's butts. Got that? In fact, I hate it. I despise it. I'm completely against it.
I: Then why'd you do it?
JC: Why? Why? It's like asking: Why does the rain fall? Why do the birds sing? Why does the Sun revolve around the Moon? Life man. Get it? Life. Life! (he screams the word "Life" and the mob of fans outside begin chanting: "life, life, life, life." Jesuschriss laughs and whispers to me.) Life.
I: My sources tell me you've ventured off of your usual path lately. You want to say anything about that?
JC: Your sources are one hundred thousand percent correct on that, Bob. I have ventured off of my usual path lately.
(A long pause)
I: Would you like to talk a little about that?
(A long pause)
I: How have you ventured off of your usual path lately?
JC: Poetry, Bob. Poe-et-tree. You see, I felt a little discomfrigulated. I had to break free. I want to be honest here with you. I never really cared for the stuff. Poetry, I mean. But I started reading some and I go. . .Wow! This stuff is really easy to do. So I tell myself: Chriss, you're a poet.
I: How'd that work out for you?
JC: Wondermatically excellente. If anyone would like to check it out, it'll be under Jesuschriss at Lit.org. The title is something like Rectal Garbage. I can't really remember. I was just waking up and hadn't taken my morning dump yet. You should check it out. It's great.
I: Can I get a little personal here, Chriss?
I: Sorry. Can I?
JC: Can you what? Blow gold nuggets outta your urethra. I hope so. (He laughs.) I know I can.
I: No, can I get a little personal, here, Jesuschriss, sir?
JC: Go for it. I'm an open book.
I: Who would you say your inspiration has been all these years?
JC: I'd rather not say.
I: Are you planning on doing anything big anytime soon?
JC: No comment.
I: I'm sure your fans outside would love to know.
JC: (grabbing me around the collar) Don't you ever, EVER, make me look like a butthole in front of my fans. Can't you see they're sensitive. (releases his grip and sits back in the chair smiling.) You want to know what now?
I: Umm. Are you doing anything big soon?
JC: Just wait and see, my friend. (Laughing) Wait and see.
I: So you are?
JC: Are what?
I: You know?
JC: No, what?
I: Forget it. Let's move on.
JC: No, no. If you've got something on your chest, you should get it off. It's only healthy. So, let's have it. (goes to whisper) You better watch what you say, MotherF%&@er.
I: Do you have anything you're working on now?
JC: Yes, but I don't think that's what you were going to ask me.
I: It was.
JC: I'm not so sure about that, Bob.
I: I was.
JC: I don't know.
I: Really, I was.
JC: You promise?
JC: Cross your heart, hope to die?
I: Yes, yes. Cross my heart, hope to die.
JC: (screaming out of the window) Hope to die! (the eager crowd applauds and chants "hope to die, hope to die") They love me out there.
I: They sure do.
JC: Yep. (sighs) I'm hungry. Is this over yet?
I: Well, I had a few more. . .
JC: Cool. Thanks for doing the interview, Bob. I had a tonload of fun. Great seeing you again, camera guy. (whispers to me) You see the babes out there? Huh? They let me do whatever I want to 'em. Freaks. Don't print that.
(Taking a handful of finger sandwiches and shoving them in his pockets, Jesuschriss leaves the room. The fans outside are still chanting, "Hope to die, hope to die." I'm feeling a little shook up, not believing that i just did what no other man has been able to do since the beginning of time. I'm very grateful to have been here with Jesuschriss: The Man, The Mirror, The Genius.)
*For further information on Jesuschriss, go to Lit.org and type in ScumF*@^ers.
jesuschriss; aka jimmy condomhead (of jimmy condomhead and the rubberband peanut stand, featured on myspace music); aka cgstarling; aka johnny longhead; aka lib raulphf; aka jc bibble; aka jc; aka christof gee starling; aka (jcgs); aka