Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
0.00

(0 votes)

You must login to vote

Tonight he tries to tell his story
But tonight he can't speak
Because the journey from his heart to his lips
Is too far for words

------
Alex, The boy full of ideas


Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Low Volume"
by amusedlilboy

sweet lil poem
I like this little poem, but believe it or not i'm going suggest you cut it. This is just a suggestion, but especially in a little poem, extraneous words jump out.

Here's my suggestions: remove 'tonight' from the second line and remove 'Because' and both instances of 'his' from the third line. Cheers. -Philo

( Posted by: philo [Member] On: June 20, 2005 )

That would look like this
Tonight he tries to tell his story
But he can't speak
The journey from heart to lips
Is too far for words


I like the poem, too. It's a great expression of the writer's (or speaker's) challenge.

And Philo's suggestions are great.

( Posted by: Flonigus [Member] On: June 21, 2005 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: