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Tonight he tries to tell his story
But tonight he can't speak
Because the journey from his heart to his lips
Is too far for words

Alex, The boy full of ideas

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The following comments are for "Low Volume"
by amusedlilboy

sweet lil poem
I like this little poem, but believe it or not i'm going suggest you cut it. This is just a suggestion, but especially in a little poem, extraneous words jump out.

Here's my suggestions: remove 'tonight' from the second line and remove 'Because' and both instances of 'his' from the third line. Cheers. -Philo

( Posted by: philo [Member] On: June 20, 2005 )

That would look like this
Tonight he tries to tell his story
But he can't speak
The journey from heart to lips
Is too far for words

I like the poem, too. It's a great expression of the writer's (or speaker's) challenge.

And Philo's suggestions are great.

( Posted by: Flonigus [Member] On: June 21, 2005 )

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