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If you tear my flesh,
You'll see my soul is mesh,
Tattered and torn,
You're alone as I mourn,
You think that I am dead,
But I am in a bed,
Plotting revenge,
When you're face grows orange,
I will call once more,
As you sit in a bore,
"Death is coming" I yell,
As I seek to kill,
You stare as I kill [you],
Finally with my will,
I go to my bed,
Waiting for Death to call me dead

------
**FORSAKEN_6URL**


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The following comments are for "Revenge (for the dead)"
by forsakengurl

Avenging the living
forsakengurl, you are very brave to use 'orange' as a rhyme in a poem because I don't think there is a 100% rhyme to it. Can I suggest you change 'orange' to 'avenge'. Perhaps you can say why it is the teller wants to kill the other person.

I think you can expand on this poem a lot. There's room here for some imagery. Describe more on how you feel and even how you kill the person if that's your bag.

"Death is coming" I yell,
As I seek to kill,
You stare as I kill [you],
Finally with my will,

These four lines broke the rhythm for me with the rhyming. I know that 'Hell' is a great word to use with 'yell' which would free up 'kill' and 'will' for the last two lines.

I thought this was a good poem with a lot of potential and a great last line. I hope you can find fun in expanding it.

Emlyn

( Posted by: Emlyn [Member] On: June 20, 2005 )

thanks
basically this poem is aboudt revange - the crow! it started as a letter then I molded into this poem and Rest (for the dead). Thanks for the comments.
--forsaken

( Posted by: forsakengurl [Member] On: June 28, 2005 )





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