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a cry of a strong son
the splendour of the cheeering sun
a lull of a beautiful daugther
songs of birds in laugther

as a beautiful day begins.
all lives running high outside
a man kissing his wife,coffee then
the kids read for school
so sweet and nice

and in their eyes potrays
of a beautiful day, lay clear
nothing shall ruin this day
for its a promising day
GOOD had giveth the earth!


------
csam


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The following comments are for "a beautifull day"
by chriss

Beautifulll Day
Chriss, this reminds me of Tap5000's writing block post at the top right side of the front page. Eerily similar! You should check it out!

But: "lull" of a daughter? Also, the kids get "read"Y for school. That last one puzzled me at first.

The last stanza is so all over the place that I think you need to start over again.

and in their eyes potrays
of a beautiful day, lay clear
nothing shall ruin this day
for its a promising day
GOOD had giveth the earth!

Do the eyes portray the day, or is there a portrait of the day in them? The whole think is one long sentence that makes no sense. Did GOOD or GOD 'giveth' the Earth? First, ditch the 'giveth'. It is far too archaic for the mundane language above. And Earth with that usage is capitalised.

Someone once told me to try to have my writing make sense. I give you this same advice today.

Lans

( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: June 8, 2005 )





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