The Fecal Matter
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“Wow, that thing’s a monster!”
I had to agree with Slippery, the thing was indeed ferociously big.
“I can’t believe that thing came out your…”
“Ask me what’s in it.” I said as I pulled up my trousers.
“What’s in it?” Slippery asked, he was almost as excited as I was.
“Well as you can see I’ve been eating a lot of corn, that small knob sticking out, there’s two pieces of corn in that, but I think it’s the steak I’ve been eating that binds it together, it’s the meat that gives it sustenance.”
Slippery crept closer as if afraid it would attack him. With one hand he waved away some of the fresh steam and the other pulled a tape measure from his pocket..
“Do you mind?” he asked as an afterthought.
“Please do,” I replied standing back, hands on hips, admiring it like a shot-putter who’s just putted a massive shot-put.
That’s when Mum came in.
It’s hard to read Mum at the best of times; she likes to quote passages of the bible to us that have no real significance. Looking directly into her face though, I don’t know if it was surprise or anger, disbelief or shame, I thought I saw a brief flicker of awe when she looked down to the floor.
I looked at Slippery and he looked at me, we both wondered what she would say.
“What are you doing?” She asked simply.
“Well Mum,” Slippery put on his fake Eastend salesman accent, “I’ve got this tape measure see, and I’m standing over what looks like a brown homeless turtle see, and I want to see ‘ow big ‘ee is.”
“Is that what I think it is?”
“Yip, it’s a tape measure.”
“No, that thing lying on the floor, is it a …”
“Shhh, it might wake up Mum,” I said stepping up beside her. “I’ve only just laid it to rest now.”
That seemed to jolt Mum back to her senses.
“Take that, that object out of here this instant!”
“You’re not going to give us a quote, are you Mum?” Slippery asked and I knew he was going to go for it. “Something like god will smite those who offer him bad fruit from the holy passage of their sacred loins.”
Well to say that Mum was a little miffed would be like saying that the mess on the floor was a ‘snack’ for a fly. First she turned red and then she turned a sort of purple. I decided to go for the coup-de-grace.
“Slippery, I’ll give you ten bucks if you eat it!”
“What?!” Mum shrieked and looked at me.
“I’ll give you twenty if you eat it!” He retorted.
“Colin,” Mum shrieked as she looked at Slippery.
“Thirty, and I’ll cram it all in my mouth at once.”
“Claudia,” Mum yelled at me.
“Done!” Slippery cried back merrily, “but it’s only fair I should warn you, there’s forty two centimeters of prime turd here.”
“Don’t you dare!” Mum said and I could almost see the cogs in her mind turning as she tried to think of a punishment, desperately quickly.
I bent down, picked the poo up from the ground and with Slippery’s help managed to get it to my mouth without breaking it.
I opened wide.
“If you put that thing in your mouth then you’re, you’re not going to church tonight!”
I’d like to say that I didn’t put it in my mouth, I’d like to say that I didn’t taste any of its nutritious texture or its oily sweat. I’d like to say Mum didn’t storm out of the room slamming the door but she did, I just closed my eyes and thought of snakes swallowing eggs.
“Well,” said Slippery after we’d finished cleaning up the fecal matter and my spew, “looks like you and me won’t be going to church tonight.”
“Nope,” I said smiling as I took the toothbrush out of my mouth, “I think I‘ve swallowed enough shit today.”
I may be stupid but at least I'm not handsome.