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The Fecal Matter

“Wow, that thing’s a monster!”

I had to agree with Slippery, the thing was indeed ferociously big.

“I can’t believe that thing came out your…”

“Ask me what’s in it.” I said as I pulled up my trousers.

“What’s in it?” Slippery asked, he was almost as excited as I was.

“Well as you can see I’ve been eating a lot of corn, that small knob sticking out, there’s two pieces of corn in that, but I think it’s the steak I’ve been eating that binds it together, it’s the meat that gives it sustenance.”

Slippery crept closer as if afraid it would attack him. With one hand he waved away some of the fresh steam and the other pulled a tape measure from his pocket..

“Do you mind?” he asked as an afterthought.

“Please do,” I replied standing back, hands on hips, admiring it like a shot-putter who’s just putted a massive shot-put.

That’s when Mum came in.

It’s hard to read Mum at the best of times; she likes to quote passages of the bible to us that have no real significance. Looking directly into her face though, I don’t know if it was surprise or anger, disbelief or shame, I thought I saw a brief flicker of awe when she looked down to the floor.

I looked at Slippery and he looked at me, we both wondered what she would say.

“What are you doing?” She asked simply.

“Well Mum,” Slippery put on his fake Eastend salesman accent, “I’ve got this tape measure see, and I’m standing over what looks like a brown homeless turtle see, and I want to see ‘ow big ‘ee is.”

“Is that what I think it is?”

“Yip, it’s a tape measure.”

“No, that thing lying on the floor, is it a …”

“Shhh, it might wake up Mum,” I said stepping up beside her. “I’ve only just laid it to rest now.”

That seemed to jolt Mum back to her senses.

“Take that, that object out of here this instant!”

“You’re not going to give us a quote, are you Mum?” Slippery asked and I knew he was going to go for it. “Something like god will smite those who offer him bad fruit from the holy passage of their sacred loins.”

Well to say that Mum was a little miffed would be like saying that the mess on the floor was a ‘snack’ for a fly. First she turned red and then she turned a sort of purple. I decided to go for the coup-de-grace.

“Slippery, I’ll give you ten bucks if you eat it!”

“What?!” Mum shrieked and looked at me.

“I’ll give you twenty if you eat it!” He retorted.

“Colin,” Mum shrieked as she looked at Slippery.

“Thirty, and I’ll cram it all in my mouth at once.”

“Claudia,” Mum yelled at me.

“Done!” Slippery cried back merrily, “but it’s only fair I should warn you, there’s forty two centimeters of prime turd here.”

“Don’t you dare!” Mum said and I could almost see the cogs in her mind turning as she tried to think of a punishment, desperately quickly.

I bent down, picked the poo up from the ground and with Slippery’s help managed to get it to my mouth without breaking it.

I opened wide.

“If you put that thing in your mouth then you’re, you’re not going to church tonight!”

I’d like to say that I didn’t put it in my mouth, I’d like to say that I didn’t taste any of its nutritious texture or its oily sweat. I’d like to say Mum didn’t storm out of the room slamming the door but she did, I just closed my eyes and thought of snakes swallowing eggs.

“Well,” said Slippery after we’d finished cleaning up the fecal matter and my spew, “looks like you and me won’t be going to church tonight.”

“Nope,” I said smiling as I took the toothbrush out of my mouth, “I think I‘ve swallowed enough shit today.”

I may be stupid but at least I'm not handsome.

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The following comments are for "The Fecal Matter"
by Emlyn

Literary excretions
Hi Em n' em. The title drew me in, so here I am! Creative character names, if I do say so myself ;)

Things I noticed:

"admiring it like a shot-putter who’s just putted a massive shot-put."

- Sounds repetitive

"desperately quickly."

- A bit redundant, or at the least change it to something like 'a desperate quickness'.

"its oily sweat"

- Great description! Mmmm, poooo...

“Nope,” I said smiling as I took the toothbrush out of my mouth, “I think I‘ve swallowed enough shit today.”

- Bang! I liked the message, like a good punch line, but it wouldn't have felt so abrupt if you would have woven your main character's dissatisfaction with the papacy throughout the piece.

Slimy read, Em!


( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: June 3, 2005 )

What's the matter?
Thank you both very much for your comments. Have you ever sat in church on a hard pew on a cold Sunday morning listening to some scary guy with a beard telling you you're going straight to hell? Scars you for life!

Lilia, no problems, it's not something that will appeal to many because of the images. I planted my foot down on the graphaccellerator for this.

Andy, thanks a lot for the help, this was one of those title first, story second jobs.

"desperately quickly." Yeah, I struggled for ages with that and it is redundant.

Good idea with threading that central thought through a bit more, it was originally written under a word limit.

The shotput? Whoooah there Dobbyn, that's one of my babies, don' you go dissin' my babies ya hear!

Anyway, thanks again to you both for stopping by.

( Posted by: Emlyn [Member] On: June 4, 2005 )

i was asking myself,
is this going to be about what I think it's going to be about?

the answer was, yes, it is.

i found it very whimsical. very, very good.


john. john doe.

( Posted by: johnjohndoe [Member] On: June 5, 2005 )

Jumping off a stool
Thank you very much John, I appreciate your comments a lot. I wasn't quite sure how this piece would go but that fecal fetish inside me urged me to write it. Just kidding, I don't have a fecal fetish, at least I don't think I do.

'Don't knock it until you've tried it' as we say in New Zealand, which come to think of it, isn't a very healthy mantra.

Nevermind, thanks again.


( Posted by: Emlyn [Member] On: June 6, 2005 )

That's some good sh**
I actually loved the shot-put line. My humor revolves around repetition. I actually loved the shot-put line. My humor revolves around repetition. I suppose I would remove the last "put" and end it in "putted a massive shot." As far is spreading the disliking for the church throughout the story, I actually liked the unexpected stab at the end. The whole piece was dedicated to chaos of sorts. The reader has no idea what to expect next, other than something to do with shit. I think its a great piece. I actually loved the shot-put line. My humor revolves around repetition.

( Posted by: rancidsauce [Member] On: June 7, 2005 )

Thank you very much rs, I found your comment very funny indeed.
Thank you very much rs, I found your comment, DAMMITT, it's just not funny when I do it a second time.

( Posted by: Emlyn [Member] On: June 9, 2005 )

A turtle, not an O'Henry bar?
Crappolla Emlyn. Some story and it is very whitty. I enjoyed this and I am going to read it to my kids when they get home.

I heard so often as a kid that we will eat a peck of dirt in our time. I believe that to be true. The best poopie story I heard was my Neice who fudged the walls with it when she was a year old. She was quite creative.

I enjoyed this and really did a good job with the phrases. Well done...and I think I will have mine.....tomorrow, you know that tomorrow that never comes?


( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: June 9, 2005 )

Fecal Fetish
Thanks very much Dar and Tap for the kind words.

Dar, I think it's a great idea to read it to your kids. I don't know why children have such a fixation with 'grossness' but (un)fortunately some of us never grow out of it. I used to eat the end of dead matchsticks when I was young, but fudging the walls? That's the best I've heard yet!

Tap, this story wouldn't have been told if it weren't for my abnormal fecal fetish, I just love smearing that cra... I mean, thanks again.

( Posted by: Emlyn [Member] On: June 10, 2005 )

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