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i remember when i
first saw you
me showing off for you
watch me fly

i'm so fucking hot shit
i thought
that's when i bailed
i felt like an idiot

you pretended not to be
looking
but i knew you were
i thought you were the
coolest
i wondered if you thought
the same about me

that first kiss in the
parking lot
that first touch in the car
gave me goosebumps
the look in your
eyes told me you were
for real

i want to stay forever
inside of you
i want to be with
you until i die







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Comments

The following comments are for "Until i Die"
by ZonerZone

Thanks.
I skate some but not as much as I'd like to. I'm not trying to be a poet full time. I like to write when I'm in the mood and I like to look at how others write. My girlfriends friend was the one that told me about poetry online. she told me about this site. It makes me feel good that you like my poem cuz I wasn't real sure about this one. I'm gonna work on it. Thanks.

( Posted by: ZonerZone [Member] On: June 1, 2005 )

Dem's
...already touched this with love, I see, so I'll share my thoughts. I'm not the most qualified poet here, but I figured since you liked my last story you were into mindfuckery.

I enjoyed the narrative quality of this - makes me think you should try your hand at fiction. It's strange, because your last line strikes me as a bit of a cliche, but somehow it seems morbid.

The trick is to make things your own. Obviously most of us have felt some attraction to someone out there, right? We've all experienced roughly the same things, the same emotions and whatnot. So what you've got to do is describe those emotions in such a unique way that it makes people stop and this - what the fuck? that's good, that's different, but yeah, the saliva from her mouth was smooth like drinking drano. Just really offbeat connections, things that haven't been said before. Orwell was big on that - never putting something down on the page that you've seen before.

Write something from your heart, then look it over, look for things that you've heard before from others, then blow it all to hell with a new spin on things.

Yessum, hope that helped!

Andy

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: June 1, 2005 )

Pure
ZZ

What I love about this poem

And I love this poem

Is that it's pure and raw. I love the feelings you have put out there - and I feel them. The last two lines kicked ass. The very last line worked for me, but could be better. I think it's good as is, too.

Lans

( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: June 2, 2005 )

Monkey see, monkey dude
Man I wish my first kiss was like that, I guess it'll teach me for standing so close to that chimpanzee cage.

Never mind. I thought your poem was very good, you've caught the essence of young love and you didn't even mention a monkey.

The third to last line didn't seem to fit for me however.
'inside of you' gives me a grizzley image that I'm not sure fits. However I'm no expert on monkeyless love but a good poem all the same.

Emlyn

( Posted by: Emlyn [Member] On: June 2, 2005 )

bailing out
Hey Zoner. I liked this because you show so much of the emotion you experienced. The feeling so shit hot and then making a fool of yourself is something I can relate to. ;) Hah!

Strangedaze has some words of wisdom for you there too. Otherwise you can also think about bringing in descriptions. Imagery interspersed with your thoughts and reflections.

good write
cheers
mick

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: June 3, 2005 )

Strange/Emlyn/Gibson/Smithy
holy cow fuck Batman look at all the comments! hey dudes, thanks!

( Posted by: ZonerZone [Member] On: June 4, 2005 )

ignorance
Look up the work cliche. you'll understand a lot more about why this poem needs work. I don't take it's horrible but it seems to be written from the perspective of may be a 17-year-old which isn't bad if you are a 17-year-old look I write very simple forms myself but I don't go calling people drug attic's saying ignorant radical statements to them so if you cannot refrain/stay clear of me. -and it would be best for you.
Lamemansterms you're friendly neighborhood drug addict

( Posted by: LamemansTerms [Member] On: June 4, 2005 )

Lamemansterms NO MORE
ZonerZone- First, I may not be enamoured with this piece, but it does have some poetic merit.

Forgive me for now taking a moment at your thread.

lame- I would not dignify your "writing," with comments. I read "pedo-files," before it was deleted. I now see you have a link here at bio, to your website, where the "CHILD PORNOGRAPHY" can be read. I feel you have shown NO consideration for/to this site. I will not read or comment on your work here. I would hope any writer here, who feels "child pornagraphy" has no place at/or associated with Lit., would choose same course.

Sincerely,
Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: June 4, 2005 )

I Like the poem
It reads easily and sooner or later every phrase will be a cliche' it is the honesty of deliverence that made me enjoy this piece. If you are satisfied with your poem so am I.

( Posted by: ladyngold [Member] On: June 4, 2005 )

click it
That's right people Mr. Robert Dick says that I'm a child pornographer well it must be true, right so go click the link and maybe somebody should tell this guy that what he's doing is against the law /libel slander ring a bell??? Don't piss me off again

( Posted by: LamemansTerms [Member] On: June 5, 2005 )

lame site link REMOVED
lame- As you well know, Crowe REMOVED link to your site from bio. "Pedo-files" is pornographic, with regard to its depiction of a 7 yr old girl. My name is Robert William.

Thanks Crowe.

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: June 5, 2005 )

Overusing the word "cliche"
talk about over used words.

It is my personal opionion Zoner that this is a good poem. I do not think it your best by far but I also see nothing wrong with the use of cliches to get your points across.

Poetry can be a personal choice to how you write it, the subject you choose, the words you choose and the way you weave them together with your choice of phrases. So often people comment mistakingly saying "this is not poetry", "this is too cliche"....when those phrases are cliche themselves. ALL words have their place in our language, it is HOW you use them.

As Smithy said "Strangedaze has some words of wisdom for you there too. Otherwise you can also think about bringing in descriptions. Imagery interspersed with your thoughts and reflections."

I think you can rewrite this tighter, IF that is what you want. I like it as it is, the rawness of it.

SO off I go to read more of your things. Keep writing!!!

Darlene

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: June 5, 2005 )

Thanks.
Demeter
strangedaze
gibsongirl
Emlyn
smithy
bobby7L
ladyngold
Dareva

You guys all rock!!!!!!!!!!!

(not you Lame!)

( Posted by: ZonerZone [Member] On: June 6, 2005 )

Show and Tell
Thanks for the private message LameOMan!


From: LamemansTerms
To: ZonerZone
Date: Jun Sat 11, 2005, 7:53 am
Subject: you say one more thing fukr
Who the fuck do you think you are you piece of shit it's so obvious that you are the one tweeking or whatever ya callit....you got the terminology down ....must be a reason---fuckin fag--go away!



( Posted by: ZonerZone [Member] On: June 15, 2005 )

Zone,Laymz Message to YOU
Thanks for sharing....but we all know.....copy it and send it to Crowe, with instructions to lay off his name calling.....and flaming comments.

ZONE,,,,waiting for some more new good from you to read....perhaps make a dark poem of your PMs...might make for an intersting read eh?

Don't take it to heart, look at where that shit comes from Zone.....you're better that that!

Dar

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: June 15, 2005 )

Weak or John Blaze Real
Z-Zone- Come on, this has been going on for more than 2 weeks...Darlene makes point.

Create/ Write/ Read/ Write/ Edit/ Post/ Repeat..

Keep writing,
Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: June 15, 2005 )

crazy--5150
just look back at the things you called me

perv tweaker assclown #2
fuck dude! you smokin the same shit as RW? he's got his ass wired up tight like yours!
. hey, I caught that poem you wrote about little girls getting laid by old men fuck pervs like you! you got your ass busted and your perv shit got deleted!
( Posted by: ZonerZone On: 06/04/05


and mind you -this went on even more, I haven't written a thing bad to anybody so what--such dorks
here's another from gg
I have the magnetic poetry set too! Is this from a challenge card? Seriously, dude... I'm thinkin' you are throwing these poems into your computer with lightning speed just to post and see what happens.

Dude. This is not good poetry and it is bad too.

If I thought you were really trying to write, I would not be such a bitch about it, but...

Dude. Quit.

(and drugs are bad for you. So quit.)*********

now wtf are you people trying to say? You seem to point a helluvalot of fingers.

here's one from macbeth
was hurt once in the past very bad by someone that did me wrong, and wished they died, and eventually they did very painfully.


No hard feelings,

macbeth

( Posted by: macbeth On: 05/31/05 )
now I am the one thats crazy? right ok.

i replied on a comment to macbeth*****
then she wrote back
It is none of my business, but there are always two sides to the story, if someone wished you death...you must have done something rotten.
what doesn't she remember what she said not 12 hours ago (even less)

then I wrote to macbeth

breathe in breathe out
Hi macbeth, I'm sorry you feel that way about such a silly poem as such. It was only meant to make you smile, I'm sorry you find it durogatory, but it's comicle andwish you saw it that way and not a shot at women.....You are a very defensive woman for women....why?
( Posted by: LamemansTerms On: 06/08/05 )


Ignore him
Ignore him Dareva. He is not worth your time. His mommy will soon be here to defend him. Ignore her too.
( Posted by: FelineWhip On: 06/09/05 )

LAME, flaming comments.......
I only alienated you. I do not belong to any circle. YOU are the one with flaming comments, asking me IF I WAS FOREIGN< because of my dialect.....and that my poem "got news for you..its ALL shit".....which by the way is from you....so in that, I am saying I am the better one to walk away from this kind of crap. YET you KEEP bringing MY NAME up in various comments. LAY OFF. YOU started it and I chose to walk away from YOUR ignorance and flaming comments. I NEVER TOLD you to F*** off, which you said I DID, and it is a LIE. SO< I will not deal with people like you that have nothing better to do than to write FLAMING things. AND do not PM me either.

Crowe got the PM for all writers to keep the chatter away from comments. I failed to follow his wishes, I admit my guilt on that. But I am only writing this so everyone will know exactly what I am saying to you, because you tend to overlook that and twist people's comments around. WHICH I will not stand for anymore. You always HAVE to have the last word. I am not a pushover for immature mentality games.

I am very ill and haven't the energy for this ongoing game of yours. I came here to enjoy some time up out of my bed and come across this imature nonsense.........and forgive me readers, I KNOW I am lowering myself by responding to this. But this is my final comment to you, you forced me to choose and I do not like to be in this sort of position, which is to stand up for myself and tell you to lay off me.

take care of yourself and may you find peace and happiness

Darlene
( Posted by: Dareva On: 06/10/05 )

Leave Dareva alone Lame
Lame
Run along home to mommy. I hear she's a real tigress of a mommy too. Leave Dareva alone. Scurry off and away with your little fat furry cub bottom in tow. Shoo!
( Posted by: FelineWhip On: 06/10/05 )

Now here you guys got personal--I never got personal----- not once

dareva
I said the world is all shit----you mis-understood me....i really wish we could start over plus I didn't know you were sick, you got some hutspha that's for sure....
( Posted by: LamemansTerms On: 06/10/05


now here is the comments about the poem that tapps wrote about me and all of you knew about it and it is obvios especially due to vodkas comment bthat you all got together and decided to do thois......how cool are you rebels lol
gets it!
hidden messages are hard to keep from good readers

if you're going to write it at all...
le sigh...

take the time to write it well.



vodka
( Posted by: vodka

now here is one that got blown up for no reason

So this is the small town crap you're talking about?-as opposed to the big city shit??
I got news for ya ...it's all shit!
lamemansterms

now you cant see what I meant here? Its simple I said that the whole world is shit.not you or your writting.

all the reasons why you people dont like me is still unknown
everything you people have made up in your heads
isn't even true. They are delusions that yourselves are creating in your own mind. yes i said the b word ---so what......I hope someone sees that I am being gang raped by you peple and honestly think you all atre unstable and fat. So with that lets let this go----I a over the threats and bs-----so why every day to I have to read my name in another comment....Cant you people just stop talking about me--? Let it go ---You started it --so finish it

now tell me what this is?????
Lame&Life...
hey, Robin's gonna' comment, and that's cool....
just me...strangly enough, i wanted and may, write of the day my Daddy killed 2 in Freer, Tx
He had to, i saw him cry 1 time over 2 dead Mexicans(NO SLUR!) he taught us blood first, if blood gone, no life...i give part of my life, due to i'm watching my father/Daddy die, at this moment the tears roll like a thunderstorm...
and roll and roll and.......

i don't know you but, strange enough the "only"
reason Robin is here is she has to vent and I know "Pops", "Daddy" is dying on me...

Had he not killed the 2 he had to, 4 children would be here....blood is blood, babe, everytime.
i don't like one of my sisters, but best no one get on her or i'll finish it!


lame(ANGERTHING)mansterms..................

Just Robin
( Posted by: Robinbird On: 06/10/05 )

lamemansterms-meansLamemansterms
what.................................
( Posted by: lamemansterms On: 06/10/05 )

OK LAME...
must say, am as weird, queer, strange and absurdly LAMEwomansterms, as they come...
if you have a bio, might go there, then might not


one and only Robin
( Posted by: Robinbird On: 06/10/05 )

wtf is that suppose tpo be a threat...? lol whatever

you are all crazy and I hope now you see how nuts you are..

( Posted by: LamemansTerms [Member] On: June 16, 2005 )

contact CROWE
ZONER you had best be shutting your mouth with the allegations of me or my links which never existed...ever hear of slander jack ass---and crowe does know about everything you fools speak of...so keep it up maybe I'll get my way after all.......,I'll bet you are a tweaker for sure---only a drug addict could go arounbd calling the kettle black like you are......

( Posted by: LamemansTerms [Member] On: June 16, 2005 )

Zone Until
I'd agree with Andrew, except, I want everything I don't know now, no matter how strange, or ordinary, or insane or easily true. When I read I want you to tell me what I forgot to see, the key details which explaine me, the ending of the story I never would have followed.

You love. You want to die inside your love. What else? Give me the details I cannot live without.

Also, I hate that you've had to put up with a lot of the above. Please consider that a need for attention should be treated with the same considerations for fire -- simply cut off the supply of air.

In a majority of cases, leeches simply fall off.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: June 16, 2005 )

Crazy 5150 WHAT?
who ever you are, you did not tell my words like I said, nor did you give the whole comment...
so the way I look at it you are using me, who ever you are, wish you the best...

These comments are in lamemanTerms poem
The big the bad for billy

something, like that..........Robin

( Posted by: Robinbird [Member] On: June 16, 2005 )

hey
thanks! hazelfarn, I'm working on making my poems better sounding thanks.. Felinewhip , I mean this in a totally cool way but I think that you got some big balls and your lot braver than some dudes around here man!

( Posted by: ZonerZone [Member] On: June 16, 2005 )

hairy cub
Hey hairy cub--------dude feline whip are you out of your mind? ...this is what I am talking about misconstruing things----look at the top of the page I gave my honest critique and its right on what is sad is that you people blow smoke up this guys ass and tell him its good, its not-it is cliche and nothing too original about it. But whatever this is your role of the one who gets their coment out ----of and running in the morning. I would like nothing more than to squash this but where do you get off saying I will not let this go? and that all these people are forgiving me? what are you talking about-those people freakin jump the bandwagon every chance possible are you dumb look at every page --god this is so annoying its becomming more fun---goodbye hairy cub

( Posted by: lamemansterms [Member] On: June 16, 2005 )

Playground Antics
Take it to PM.

This is between only you two now.

Take it to PM.

Take it to PM.

Take it to PM.

Take it to PM.

Take it to PM.

Take it to PM.

( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: June 16, 2005 )

hey- its my thread!
Its LameOman that has to leave!

felinewhip your cool to stay and comment on my thread as much as you want!



( Posted by: ZonerZone [Member] On: June 16, 2005 )

till I die

Zoner,

This is a cool poem...it's nice to remember that heated chemistry that one experiences in the early years. Cherish them because as time goes by it is rarely the same. If that makes any sense
to you,

macbeth

( Posted by: macbeth [Member] On: June 16, 2005 )

I musta Zoned out

I read this some time ago and was sure I had commented, but in rereading it just now I see I was mistaken. I guess I got lost in the comments.

I feel that this speaks from the heart (and loins) of a healthy man-boy, in his own native tongue. I'm not seventeen but once upon a time I was. This rocks.

s

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: August 27, 2005 )





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