Go In, Stay In, Tune Out
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Helping you cope with:
Your government recently outlawed all forms of social interaction. The decision follows two and a half weeks of intensive talks between ministers and their spouses, resulting in your Prime Minister pledging to rid the world of the very real threat of Interactional Terrorism.
This leaflet is designed to re-program your internal morality code and should be assimilated by every member of your household. It is not intended to terrify the young or old so, once digested, it should be stored in a cool, dark place until it is needed.
We can never accurately predict when an Interactional Terrorist strike may occur, or what form it will assume, but here are some examples that highlight how cunningly disguised an attack can be:
*A couple holding hands in a public space such as a library, or a coffee house.
*Two drunken men conversing as they wait to catch a bus home.
*A group of students protesting about top-up fees in a crowded City square, getting passers-by to sign their petition.
In such instances, do not panic. Your common sense and instincts will usually tell you to fight or flee, but you must try to remain calm and look for the following symbol appearing in the flashing headlights of special unmarked police cars:
E or E E
Interactional Terrorists may use all manner of word bombs (see list below) to draw your attention away from the headlights of squad cars.
These may assail your senses in a variety of ways:
*Aurally - dirty language thrust in your ears
*Visually - dirty words poured in your eyes
*Psychically - dirty concepts delivered directly to your cerebral cortex, via specially trained psychic terrorists.
Some words thought to be inside dirty bombs
An armed task force will be deployed and will do their best to deal with anyone posing a direct threat to your mental stability. Any citizens not blinded or deafened by terrorist propaganda must head home immediately and hope they have escaped contamination.
Once home, admit only those into your house who have returned of their own accord.
DO NOT, under any circumstances, try to retrieve children from schools, husbands from golf clubs, or wives from tanning salons. If they are in high-risk situations it is better to allow your government to try to limit infection to an isolated area.
If they are able, loved ones will usually make it home unaided, but they may require some Basic ‘Psyche’ Aid if you suspect them capable of returning to the outside world where widespread social interaction is now airborne and ruthlessly infecting great sections of the country’s population.
Basic ‘Psyche’ Aid
Symptoms exhibited by the infected
Rumblings from the sub-conscious mind appearing on the surface reality as utter gibberish.
Flashes of inspiration in the eyes of youths and men approaching middle age.
Individuals suddenly expressing dissatisfaction at having to, yet again, re-imagine the family home with stencils and left-over pots of paint.
Televisions suddenly unplugged from the wall.
Windows deliberately opened out onto the street and garden fences vandalised.
Net-curtains chosen over blinds.
A desire to attend football matches.
Inviting strangers into one’s home to purchase items from a Tupperware catalogue.
Ensure the infected is cordoned off in an isolated area and no-one attempts to communicate with them on any level from that point onwards.
Remove potentially harmful agents from the de-contamination room, including telephones, magazines and books, and install an operational television - set to channel 999 - an unmade single bed, security locks to windows, two working kettles, as well as enough pot-snacks, water and buckets (with lids) to last fourteen days.
Seal the room that contains the INFECTED party using a lockable door and a large, unbroken sheet of cling-film.
Return to family and be extra vigilant, for once social interaction enters a home it can spread all too quickly through the household.
Maximising your chances of survival
*Adults, children and pets require regular exercise, so why not trade in library books for a full range of gym equipment to allay physical tensions in one and all.
*Once safely entombed in your home, make use of the government-controlled tele-visual and radiographic stations at your disposal. Channel 555 (Entertainment) and Channel 999 (Emergencies) on your television system should be avidly watched on a daily basis between the hours of 4 and 11pm. Both channels regularly feature programmes on how best to avoid becoming an Interactional Terrorist, or on what to do if you suspect there may already be one among your kin.
*Your children are still required to attend school, though now purely for academic reasons, so you should distribute mobile transmitters to any in your care below the age of sixteen. Urge them each evening to venture no further than their bedrooms, thereby lowering the risk of them becoming infected.
*Cancel all holidays and excursions that were booked prior to the arrival of this pamphlet. Interactional Terrorists come in all colours, shapes and sizes, and are often armed with a wide vocabulary of foreign words at their disposal.
*Cancel all subscriptions to establishments that require you to socially interact with people other than family members.
*All informal communication from this day on is seen as potentially harmful to the public and all convicted terrorists will be made an example of on live television. (Channel 555, weeknights, 7pm)
*There is a now a vast array of psyche enhancing pharmaceuticals available under the counter to those adults unable to cope with the closing down of society. These can be purchased through a number of government-approved websites and have been engineered in special laboratories, such merchandise now legally required to display the following symbol:
A Final Word…
…from our sponsors
“These new counter-measures to thwart the work of Interactional Terrorists may seem abrasive to some, but it is in everyone’s best interests to see that the law is upheld. It seems at present that the world can never be as free and easy as it once was: love thy neighbour now considered a nonsense concept, for strangers are now enemies until they prove themselves allies. Remember, none of us are completely safe from this new form of terror. None of us are completely free of its effects. Do all you can as a good citizen and turn your back on your communities. And should terror strike, simply remember to Go In, Stay In and Tune Out,”
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