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I donít understand this place. You call it reality, others call it Babylon, I call it hell. I heard ďImagineĒ today and I cried. For two reasons: Only here could a man dedicate his life to one love and peace, be shot dead. It would be so easy for us to have the Imagined world, all weíd have to do is soften our hearts just a little bit. And you like it here. I saw a rich chick stand on the sidewalk, next to her was a broken man, waiting to die. A fraction of what she wore on a finger could have fed him for months. I got some snadwiches and milk, and we ate in silence. I think he was Jesus. No I definitely donít like it here. If this is your ideal world, I simply canít be with you. I love you, I just canít do it here. I was taught early on in my life to stand and fight if I see an injustice. But there is so much wrong being done today. I wasnít born in Nazareth, I am a simple warrior poet. So I will write about the fight, for it is in my nature to do this. My heart saddens every time you speak of this place with such affection.


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The following comments are for "Her finale"
by Robert Walker

Her Finale
Robert,

This is very blog-like. If you're going for prose, I think you should juice up the sonics a bit, and pick some words that amplify your frustration - and also that rock.

It may benefit your piece to begin it with "I saw a rich chick..."

Due to the style of this piece, I think you need to break it into paragraphs/stanzas/strophes. It's a tough read without.

"Only here could a man dedicate his life to one love and peace, be shot dead." Can I recommend "who dedicated" to jive with the ending clause?

"Imagined world" is good, but capitalise World to agree.

Because you call it 'Her Finale', it would be a good idea to take a stronger stand with the ending. This part: "I simply canít be with you. I love you, I just canít do it here." is a fine example.

Interesting, but could use tweaking.

Lans

( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: June 1, 2005 )

Her finale wonderful PROSE
This explosive freestyle prose speaks of many issues but maintains a focused flow...lovely wording is this "I wasnít born in Nazareth, I am a simple warrior poet. So I will write about the fight, for it is in my nature" This needs minor reconstruction... such reading set-up for smoother flow.

( Posted by: ladyngold [Member] On: June 4, 2005 )

finale
This actually took place. It was an old flame of mine and I wrote about it at the time. I don't know what blog style is. As for the ending, I'm Aquarius, and I end a relationship just like that. I go. I wonder what would be said about Emily Dickinson with her slashes if she were to write on this site. lol funny

( Posted by: Robert Walker [Member] On: June 5, 2005 )





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