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An exquisite corpse starring, in no particular order:

Die Baron Hobskewward as Col. Klinkenheimer Nazi ESQ
Viper9 as Princess Diana
Strangedaze as Assy Groinface
Demeter as the Incredible Edible Jew

With a special guest appearance by:

Brutus the Brooding Placenta

Rated M for Mature, A for adult, PG-50 or whatever the highest bloody rating is (meaning you've been warned).


*** ""WHORE 4 JESUS" ***



Leopold Moshe Seinfeld wasn't your stereotypical neurotic short Jewish man, for though he had been born a midget, he had also been born with your larger than average size schlong and was a homosexual.



Life hadn't always been easy for Leopold. He had it rough growing up in New York, despite the fact that he had led a fairly comfortable life as the only son of Jack and Nancy Seinfeld, who were both considered to be somewhat eccentric artists and poets. They owned a bookstore/cafe in Greenwich Village, where for most of Leopold's young life he had been exposed to some of New York's most intellectual and prestigious artists, who had instilled in Leopold a life-long love of poetry and the fine arts.

His parents being extremely liberal and open-minded were insistent that Leopold live as normal a life as possible and they forced him to go to public schools, believing that in this way he would know various cultures and ethnic groups, and also have a greater liberal world view. But for Leopold this turned out to be more of a nightmare than a learning experience. Throughout elementary school, he was constantly ridiculed for his short stature, and in high school he was an object of disdain by the school bullies who regularly used Leopold as a surrogate basketball. Leopold was not a happy midget.

Life took a turn for the better when Leopold, (now a young man of 18) decided to take a trip out to southern California, to visit his Aunt Barbra who lived in the San Fernando Valley. As most people know, the San Fernando Valley is considered to be the “Pornography Producing Capital of the World,” or so say the signs. And, Leopold being homosexual, naturally started to patronize the local gyms and bathhouses, hoping to find a little sexual adventure. It didn't take long before Leopold was approached by one of the Valley's most prolific porn producers and porn star agent, Sam Goody.

Sam Goody offered Leopold a deal he couldn't refuse, and before too long, Leopold was no longer known as Leopold Moshe Seinfeld, for he was now recognized amongst his peers as "Little Big Man -- The Schlong Don".

But alas . . . Leopold found himself once again an unhappy midget. Despite his daily workload of banging gorgeous tush, after tush, after tush (a dream come true for most gay midgets), The Schlong Don began to feel empty inside. He felt as though his soul was slowly withering away, and he spent many nights at home crying alone in a state of deep depression.

One Sunday morning, Leopold decided that he must force himself out of this depression, and he decided go for a walk.

It was a beautiful southern California day in the Valley, and the birds were chirping, the sun was shining. Leopold was feeling glad that he had decided to go on this walk, when by chance he noticed a large "church-looking" kind of building. It had a sign outside that said: "JEWS FOR JESUS -- ALL ARE WELCOME". Leopold couldn't resist. His liberal upbringing got the best of him and he decided to enter the building to check out what "Jews For Jesus" was all about. Of course, we all know what happened next . . .

. . . Leopold found himself a now repentant sinner and he was filled with his newfound religious fervor as a "Jew For Jesus"!

Leopold decided that he had to leave his porn star days as "Little Big Man -- The Schlong Don" behind him, of course, and so he returned to New York, hoping to find his intellectual roots and make a living as a writer, a poet, and artist, just like his parents, Jack and Nancy, had always done.

Leopold was welcomed back warmly by his family and friends, and in his honor his parents decided to schedule a sort of coming out party for their son, by featuring him as the lead poet at the Bookstore/Cafe "OPEN MIKE NIGHT -- POETRY SLAM".

He was thrilled, and he eagerly approached the stage that evening and read his first poem to the Greenwich Village artistic community:

"Whore 4 Jesus"

My faith shall never be shaken!
My hard and holy resolve always firm!

Call me what you want, you sinners!

I am "The Schlong Don" No More!
I have become a whore for Jesus!

A glutton on His Holy Blood!
I'll suck Him all within myself
and be as strong as He!

No longer a short elf sinner,

I am now a Jesus winner!

My Savior!

My Warrior!

My Godly Man!

Hallelujah! Look, I see!
My Christ is RISEN For ME!

The poem was met by deafening silence, then boisterous applause. Even I clapped my right hand raw, slapping it on the tabletop whilst sipping my pina colada at the bar. Now, to set the scene . . .

MARVIN BLOOM

Inside the cafe, sitting front row within spitting distance of Leopold, is Marvin Bloom, a naive, though incredibly handsome, young man with whom Leopold shared the spotlight in numerous erotic films. Though not quite as well endowed as his pint-sized partner, Mighty Marv's thrusting power is the envy of three quarters of the porn industry. But alas, Mighty Marvin had met his match in Leopold. Instead of harboring resentment, however, it seems that Marvin Bloom is rather fond of the Schlong Don, and at one point had
decided that they should hop on the first flight to Canada and get married.

The wedding ring, incredibly phallic, stabbed Marvin's thigh as he shifted in his seat, uncrossing his legs then crossing them again nervously in attempt to hide the engorged device poking his leg.

SHORTY

Across the street, leaning over the railings of a balcony two stories up from the cafe, a broad-shouldered man with an angular, equine face follows Leopold’s every gesture, squinting until the cross-hairs of the telescopic lens atop his rifle settle between the poet's eyes. This man, inconspicuously standing high above the proceedings, goes by the name of Shorty, hardly fitting considering his enormous girth. Shorty is a member of the Order of the Polyrush, a militia-like
millenarian cult whose exploits are funded in part by the CIA as part of a global ethnic cleansing program. Unbeknownst to Shorty, who serves merely as one of the cult's many dopey but impressionable and utterly expendable peons, this cleansing program is meant to ensure that an exclusively Aryan population is available for experimentation by a dying race of space aliens -- the elongated saucer people with whom the United States government first came into contact with in the ‘70s and whose insidious brain waves continue to wreck havoc on the American people.

Shorty takes a
deep breath; he has never killed another man before and the slick bloody grease that lubricates his large ox heart feels as though it is coagulating and transmogrifying into cast iron. Beads of sweat stream down the crease of his jaw line and touch his lip.

It tastes of salt.

AGENT X

Behind Shorty across the street, a slender man with a waist as thin as a baseball bat watches silently from the penumbra of the poorly lit room, his black overcoat blending in with the shadows ensconcing him in the corner. His nimble fingers, long and dexterous, slowly screw a silencer attachment to the tip of his pistol. Agent X is much higher-ranking than Shorty and is present to ensure that the mission is carried out without a hitch.

Agent X breaths easily, the airflow into his lungs relaxed and unforced. Agent X has killed many men before, and women and children, too. When he finishes screwing the silencer onto the shaft of his piece he licks the wall.

He likes
licking strange things.

It tastes like stucco and dried menstrual fluid.

THE NINOCCINNI BROTHERS AND CO.

If one squints hard enough one can see two small, greasy looking men, both balding, rotund, and carbon copies of one another, save for the thin line of hair under the man on the right's nose as compared to the smooth shaven face of the other, standing in the doorway. These two men, known in the porn circuit as the Brothers Ninoccinni, have their hand in practically every erotic enterprise, regardless of size or moral character. They also have a reputation for being ruthless, merciless mafioso types who rarely take no for an answer. And one would be hesitant to cross Guido and Luigi
Ninoccinni, given that they are always, as they are in the cafe, flanked by two behemoths in matching suits and sunglasses. They are crossing their arms in front of their puffed-out chests, their vein-ridden forearms the product of years of steroid abuse, making the sleeves of their suit coats seem as though they would burst at even the slightest provocation.

The Schlong Don's sudden departure from the industry has left a slew of die-hard gay porn fans in mourning. Seeing a tremendous opportunity present itself in Seinfeld's
retirement, the Brothers Ninoccinni intend to kidnap Leopold, make a cast mould of his penis, then do away with the bite sized ex-porn star. With this mould they hope to produce a special-collector's edition Schlong Don dildo, life-sized and bigger-than-life, and with the midget's “untimely” demise, the price would surely sky-rocket.

Guido and Luigi rub their hands together and lick their lips, while the giants behind them crack their knuckles and salivate attentively.

SAM GOODY

Also in attendance is Sam Goody, the Schlong Don's former employer. Having caught wind of the Ninoccinni brothers’ plan last night whilst being sexually serviced at the baths, he has come to warn Leopold. Sliding through the back entrance, he waits patiently until the
Don's poem has concluded, nervously eyeing the imposing figures looming in the doorframe across the room.

ME

Me, I’m the guy everyone calls when they’re in a pinch, when their nipples are caught in a vise and every way they twist results in a purple nurple. I’m “The Guy” – the head of the worldwide gay porn conspiracy. We’re known as “The Gnomes of Brooklyn”. Lemme tell you how I got to be here, with those jerkwads Shorty and Agent X ready to begin the slaughter, along with my distinguished rivals, the Ninoccinni Brothers. It all goes back to Marvin Bloom.

See, back in the days when Bloom and the Schlong Don were gettin’ it on for the cameras, Bloom was
approached by three thugs in blue blazers and iridescent speedos. Bloom had just wrapped a delicious scene in which he and an ivory-skinned janitor with Down’s syndrome got in on in a high school cafeteria when one of the thugs grabbed his arm. “Come with us,” he grunted.

“My God, you’re hot! Anywhere you wish, mon chere,” Bloom gushed.

They hid inside a supply closet. “You know the Schlong Don?” a thug asked.

“In every sense of the word,” Bloom replied.

“You need money?”

“Always!”

“We’ll give you a quarter mil to run off to
Canada with the Schlong Don and get hitched.”

“Here’s my account number,” Bloom replied, stroking a thug’s muscular thigh.

What Bloom didn’t know was that the thugs belonged to the
Ninoccinni Brothers, who would be waiting for the happy couple in Toronto with a vat of plaster and a bottle of chloroform.

Of course, the Ninoccinnis didn’t know that Shorty and Agent X had plans of their own, schemes that could put an end to their plaster plan. Shorty had a clear sight of the Schlong Don. Agent X prepared to give the signal.

But the Schlong Don fucked it all up with his sing-song melodies, his work-a-day charm, and his angelic singing voice.

See, just as the applause began to die down, the Schlong Don returned to the stage. “I have a song for all of you, a song I’m going to
dedicate to my lover, Marvin. Wave to the people, Marvin!” He pointed to Bloom, who waved exuberantly, basking in the attention.

“Some of you might have seen Marvin in my movies, taking it like a little bitch!” the Don giggled. “He loves midget cock.”

The audience roared. The Schlong Don calmed them down and said, “But I have to perform this song. And I’m going to be asking some of you to join in – be prepared!”

He cleared his throat.

He bowed his head dramatically.

He brought the microphone to his lips.

“Oh I’ve been a midget, and a porn star too.
I’ve fucked my share, and your share too.
But I was missing the most important things . . .”

He leaped off the stage and took Bloom’s hand, bringing him to his feet.

“And the most important thing of all
Wasn’t Marvin.”

Bloom gasped while the Schlong Don whirled like a dervish, spinning into ecstasy, a dervish whirling through the crowd.

“You know it’s true.
I’m a Jew.
You know I
swore
That I’m a whore
For Jesus!”

The Schlong Don pranced over to Agent X, draping himself over the covert cad’s body.

“And what do we do, we whoring few?
What do we do for our lord?”

He shoved the microphone in Agent X’s face. Agent X stammered,

“We bend over, all the way over
To receive the sacrament.”

“Yes!” The Don screamed, casting Agent X to the side and dancing across the room.

As Agent X tumbled to the floor, his pistol went off, sending a bullet straight through Bloom’s forehead. The shot startled Shorty, who fired reflexively, the bullet tearing through Sam Goody’s overworked heart. The Ninoccinni Brothers fled.

And that’s when I stood up, casting away my robes. “Leopold!” I shouted. All activity, all wailing, all singing and dancing and moaning ceased.

The Schlong Don stared at me, mouth agape, drool trickling out of the corners.

“Jesus?” The Don asked.

“Yes, my son,” I told him, stroking my ample beard. “This is the end of your journey. It is time for you to complete your mission. Come pay homage to your Lord.”

I bent over the table and spread my legs wide. The Don undressed, approached, and prepared his massive schlong for the holy union. As we moaned and grunted, Leopold began to understand that Jesus had been the mastermind behind the gay Jewish conspiracy all along, and that everything really had gone according to plan.

The plan had been simpler than anyone imagined. Jesus just wanted to get laid by a Jewish midget with a massive dick.

“Are . . . you . . . satisfied, Leopold?” I gasped.

“There . . . there is art . . . in our . . . union,” the Don answered.

*** Fin ***

------
"Imperious, choleric, irascible, extreme in everything, with a dissolute imagination the like of which has never been seen... there you have me in a nutshell, and kill me again or take me as I am, for I shall not change."

From his Last Will & Testament, Marquis de Sade



Comments

The following comments are for "Whore 4 Jesus"
by strangedaze

Assboy
You are so Quenton Tarrantinoish.

williamhill

( Posted by: williamhill [Member] On: May 25, 2005 )

Just for the record:
This piece is a collab between me, Die Baron, Viper, and Dem. Who wrote what, nobody knows ;)

Whill - He has a big forehead, but his movies are entertaining ;)

SD

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: May 25, 2005 )

Rated M for Mature? ha ha!!!!!!!
whose checking my ID?

( Posted by: ZonerZone [Member] On: May 25, 2005 )

...
Yes.

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: May 25, 2005 )

Brilliant!
First rate! The best damn thing I've read all day. Who are these geniuses?

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: May 25, 2005 )

Fucking hilarious!
This was too funny. Perhaps offensive to some Christians, but hilarious nonetheless. Oh so funny.

( Posted by: Ilan Bouchard [Member] On: May 25, 2005 )

They've Created a Monster!
A Monster!!

holy crap that's hilarious. You guys kick ass.

lovin it and you all.

Lans

( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: May 25, 2005 )

Baiting again?
You're absolutely right. IT IS OFFENSIVE!

Sorry guys...but I think you already knew that when you published it!

I really admire your work as a rule...but this sounds like baiting to me!

( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: May 25, 2005 )

Heartwarming! A "Feel-Good" story!
*****SNIFF***** Excuse me - I'm just a little verklempt! I'm not ashamed to say that I'm DEEPLY moved by this life-affirming coming-of-age tale! I smell "Hallmark Hall of Fame!"

*SNORT!* (Doggone it! I knew I couldn't keep a straight face!)

Deliciously outrageous! I would, though, recommend some tweaks to iron out some voice/tense/continuity inconsistencies I perceived:

Could you subtly establish the first-person narrator from the start without revealing his identity? Then, in the section after the poem, I think the additional characters could just as effectively be introduced using the past tense narrative style used in the first part of the story. I think that would make it flow more seamlessly into the final denouement.

Also, maybe I misunderstood who was where, but I thought Agent X was across the street from the cafe (and lurking behind Shorty,) but then he was in the cafe being serenaded by Leopold. Or am I just confused?

But that's just my gut reaction - and my way of saying that I think it's actually worth polishing up! Now, granted, I don't know if it's actually PUBLISHABLE! But if there's some sort of underground market for something this "out there," I think you guys really have something here!

( Posted by: LinnieRed [Member] On: May 25, 2005 )

a Sam Goody Record!
Guys and gal pal: I remember buying the double LP: "Ginger Baker's Airforce," at Sam Goody's, in NYC, on my senior class trip...

What a hoot!...

Thanks for making me laugh with volume.

BobbyG

( Posted by: bobby7L [Member] On: May 25, 2005 )

rated X X X review request
you want a review? Sure no problem. I've read shit lots more offending than this but not as good. This rocked! it was laugh out loud. I don't get why if somebodys been told its for adults XXX why they want to go ahead an read it anyway? especialy if they know its gonna offend them? I mean dudes, you gave it away with the title!!! shit ! I read what I want and what I like. glad to have some choice instead of being stuck with a bunch of boring shit that all sounds the same. Was that a review?

( Posted by: ZonerZone [Member] On: May 25, 2005 )

I'm sorry...
I don't think you guys are going to heaven with this one.

In all seriousness, you guys should be submitting this for publication somewhere. It's DAMN funny and extremely well written. I've been trying to work out work who wrote whatbut you're all so deliciously warped that it's impossible.

The descriptions are quite incredible and it fits togeather well. Special mention must go to Agent X licking the wall.

As for offense, anyone can be offensive but to be comedically offensive is something different altogeather and that's what I think you guys have done. I guess absurdism is a good vehicle for that.

I take my cat off to you all.

Emlyn

( Posted by: Emlyn [Member] On: May 26, 2005 )

The People's Princess
Why the hell do I have to be that media whore, Princess Diana?

Sorry for being so quiet here. Thanks to all who commented. Your gleeful responses warms my cold dead heart!

I've been off working on a new story, which I'll hopefully post tomorrow. Then I'll have more time to comment, too -- I see I've missed scads of work from the likes of PeterPaulino and even something new from Emlyn! Tsk tsk.

Back to work . . .

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: May 26, 2005 )

ooo....
...now this opened up my eye in anticipation, it was positively greased in excitement!!!

Fantastic writing.

( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: May 26, 2005 )

How to say..... /:-)
I found this to be offensive only if I overthought this. Other than that, I discovered a great humor and also... I think your ...maybe...meaning? At any rate, this is provokative and...dare I say it... down right humorous?! I too shrink from the task of deciphering who wrote what! Suffices to say well done, you provoked me!

( Posted by: eleanor [Member] On: May 26, 2005 )

Greased Monkeys...
..There is nothing more dangerous to anyone than over thinking.

I keep coming back to this, all I will say about who wrote what is that I am having a very nice time thinking about it, just leave me to my own thoughts. Hehe

Alex xxx

( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: May 26, 2005 )

Blended Brilliance
WOW, I have to read this again...did 2 times now and still am so INTO this.....I believe it should be published,,,,worth it.......and you know, you FOUR are marvellous writers.......I don't care who wrote what, it's the idea you all collaberated, meshed your words of wisdom, humor, gutsy raw humor at that.......and wowed us all.

AM I hoping for too much to ask if there will be another collaberation as such???

Viper, who has always amazed me, man you are a handsome and wise-assed man. I may just be one of your biggest fans, not the brightest I know, but none-the-less....I'M THERE!!!!
Strangedaze, well you dazzle me with your charm and amaze me with your writing skills as well. Intriguing me with your various writing subjects, able to keep me hanging on your words, from beginning to end.
DieBaron, well you are one handsome hooded babe, and I LOVE your whit, your abilty to set forth the truth and if others don't like it, well so what, there are many who will and DO!!!
Lilia, you know I admire your brilliant mind, your loqacious speeches and comments, submissions, etc.......you are de'bomb girl!!!

YOU ALL rock! and I can't say enough. Sounds like I am kissing ass..... here, but so what, I love how you all came together on here...GREAT SHIT!!!!

With much respect,
Darlene XO

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: May 26, 2005 )

Fear not...
I'm still alive, albeit barely, working 10 hour days as a trained gopher at a fur auction. Sigh. Sure my hair reeks of dead animals, beavers, martens and the like, but shit, don't do a close-up on me, it's the animals, the martyrs of fashiondom that deserve our full attention. I digress...

Thanks for everyone who has commented! Retrospective proof-reading tells me that my section could have used some editing, but the enflamed loins of those who enjoyed this make me not care quite so much.

I expected us to be strung up high and higher still for this piece, but you've all proved what a bunch of tolerant, massively cool people you all are.

If the other three are interested, we could make some edits and I can try to find some place to submit this. Or not. It's been said (at an absurdist site that I frequent) that editors are the face of evil, or something, so maybe we should just leave it right here.

To my coauthors, once again, thank your for insanity and to everyone else who specifically mentioned me in their commentary (*blush swoon*), I ESPECIALLY want to thank you, because I am of course in constant need of reassurance.

Much love,

Assboy

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: May 26, 2005 )

Tweakiness
Be nice -- I'm an editor! Not a big-time editor, but I do edit a little newspaper. I'm not as evil as the rabble says (damn their black hearts!).

I'm all for tinkering with this -- I'm like George Lucas in that I can't stop fiddling with whatever I make, trying to improve it (though, at the risk of sounding immodest, I think I write better dialogue than he does).

So, my fur-covered friend, I'm on board. And I'll try to be speedier this time around.

Thanks to everyone for your comments -- you're just as cool as assboy says! You make us all blush, and as you can tell, we're not the types who blush easy.

Lil, that story will seriously be done tomorrow! And submitted, too!

Must go sleep now. I spent the evening debating in front of a roomful of angry people. Wore me out. Might have made a lot of new enemies too, so cross your fingers for my safety . . . ;)

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: May 26, 2005 )

~The Tao of Dynamite~

"A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
[Jack Handey]

( Posted by: DieBaronHobskewward [Member] On: May 27, 2005 )

Christian
As a confused Christian, I hereby retract any and all blaphemy I contributed to this piece and accept Jesus into my heart.

That is all.

Andy Assboy

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: May 27, 2005 )

Nuffin's
going anywhere, sweetheart ;)

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: May 27, 2005 )

Whore for Orthodoxy
Greetings all, S'daze, Viper, Dem, Die, Brut,

This was as funny and irreverent and all that it promised to be from four fearless minds poking their tongues (and all else) at orthodoxy. The quote at the bottom of the piece reads like a common byline for your various features.

I'm still a little undecided about that first sentence. I really don't think you need it here at all. Everything (except the full name) gets ...exposed... later on anyway. I felt it told me too much. On the other hand, it lets the reader know straight away (if they hadn't guessed from the title) the overall tone of the piece.

Also the other line was "to set the scene". because of that I felt a little distanced from the next section outlining the characters. I wonder whether you could have that from the narrators perspective more like "I looked around the room at all the usual suspects". Maybe not quite so cliched but something like that.

Great write overall. See what you guys think??

cheers
mick

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: May 28, 2005 )

Smithy
Excellent suggestions, in my opinion, good smithy. We shall take them into account during our revisions!

Well, as long as the others agree, which I expect they will.

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: May 28, 2005 )

Hehehe
Can I play Jesus in the Broadway musical!! Of please!!! Hehe

( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: May 29, 2005 )

Lilia the Musical!!
Hehehe, it could be done in a Burlesque style!!! Where do I hire a trumpet??

You can er, you can er, you can er er er, aint gonna spell success!!!

Sorry, excuse the singing, I'm so happy!!!!!! YIPPEEE!!!!!!!

( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: May 30, 2005 )





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