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In previous episodes we learned of the evil plan of Osama and Saddam to create a time machine in order to travel into the past and prevent Jesus’ crucifixion, thereby preventing the basis of Christianity. American forces captured Saddam before the machine, the Turban of Time, was completed. Upon its completion, Osama assigned his two most trusted mujahidin, Habil and Fahtted, assisted by the tiny scientist in charge of the machine’s creation, to rescue Saddam from his hiding hole just before his capture, replacing him with Nick Nolte. Nobody noticed. Following their joyful and disgusting reunion, Saddam volunteered for a suicide mission to blow up Jesus. Osama gladly accepted. We now continue with Habil and Fahtted’s exalted adventure.

Saddam charged toward the temple. Jesus was overturning tables and raging at the moneychangers. A pilgrim noticed Saddam and shouted “Jesus, what’s with him?”

“I do not know”, replied Jesus.

Then Saddam detonated himself.

Jesus was the sole survivor, shielded from the blast by a heavy table. He had injured his back overturning the massive table.

“God, that hurts!” He shouted, wincing in pain.

“Watch your mouth, Son”, God replied.


Habil and Fahtted were discussing possible strategies.

“We’ll just have to go back and get him out of his hole just before we did the first time.”

“But then we won’t find him the first time! Then what?”

“We just have to put him back again when we’re done- after we pick him up again but before we find him the first time.”

“How can we put him back if he blows himself up?”

“Well, as long as he explodes and kills Jesus it shouldn’t matter if we get him back in the hole… I think.”

“What if we stuck Gary Busey in the hole?”


“Let’s kidnap Gary Busey and swap him for Saddam before we found him- that way, we’ve got Saddam and Gary Busey blew himself up two thousand years ago.”

“I am bewildered to a vexing degree. What else can we do- aside from Saddam?”

“Well, let’s see- camels eat oats, and lambs eat oats, and little lambs eat olives- an ass will eat oatmeal, too… Jesus will ride into town on a donkey. Let’s try to lure the donkey off the path and waylay Jesus,” suggested Habil.

“And what should we use? Quaker Oats? You are an ass on two legs.”

“How about if we replace the palm fronds with banana peels?”

“One more idea like that and I shall behead you myself. Your head serves you badly anyway. None of this is useful. The only way we can surely fix history is to prevent Saddam from blowing up the Temple. We’ll have to grab him right after we dropped him off. But we had better leave enough time so we don’t see ourselves- this is far too strange as it is.”


"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do."

- Ralph 'Where's Waldo' Emerson

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like. And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
- Bilbo Baggins

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The following comments are for "Turban of Time Episode Five"
by drsoos

KILL JESUS! a title would probably get me more views but I couldn't use a cheap stunt like that- could I?

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: May 22, 2005 )

no comment...

( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: May 22, 2005 )

gg ugh
I hope ugh refers to my cheap stunt comment rather than my post. With all the views going toward controversies I felt the need to verbally jump up and down. I'm glad I wasn't writing naked, I could have put an eye out (I enjoyed your "writing naked" but... well, never mind.) Thanks for noticing the good, bad, and ughly.


( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: May 22, 2005 )

Blowing up history
Actually, I followed GG's "ugh" comment to get here, and I'm glad I did - I've been looking forward to the continuing story! Oh, and thanks for the synopsis. It's been long enough since I read the last installment that I appreciated the reminder of where you'd left off.

The would-be assassins' "Now what??" predicament is just the sort of confusing complication that invariably ensues when you start mucking about with time travel and trying to change history. Let that be a lesson to all of us!

As ever, this had just the right touch of goofiness that always makes your writing so much fun to read. Oh, and thanks for the lovely musical pun! Or should I say "Merci d'oats?" (Yes, I know that's not grammatically correct!) Keep it coming, soosie!

( Posted by: LinnieRed [Member] On: May 22, 2005 )

no, the 'ugh' was only in reference to the cheap marketing scheme! (accompanied by eye rolling and groans). ;)

and for heaven's sake, watch where you're swinging that thing!

( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: May 22, 2005 )

Jesus, Soos, and Gary Busey
I have been thirsting for more here, Soos, but am either buzzed this time or plain stupid. I lost the flow a bit. No doubt it's there but when dealing with such complicated time travel, I fear I got jet-lagged. "I am bewildered to a vexing degree"-
Love the replacement of Saddam with Nick Nolte, and now Gary Busey- I have a casting director friend who would love to meet you. The over-turned table saving Christ and foiling the plan is pure Soos! More photo ops than a free-for-all at Abu Gahrab (or is that just crass...) What fun it would be to transport GWB into the hole and have the world be surprised that the 'cowboy' is the bad guy...
keep it coming- I look forward to more of the "world according to Soos"

( Posted by: emaks [Member] On: May 22, 2005 )

Abbott & Costello Go To Babylon
Very hilarious. I'm going to have to pay more attention to prose posts as I've missed this series until now.

I loved the banter between Habil and Fahtted trying to get their timeline in order.

Costello: Who's in the hole?

Abbott: No, Who's in the Temple, What's in the hole!

Costello: I don't care.

Abbott: I Don't Care is in the White House.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: May 23, 2005 )

Holy crap, this is hilarious. It was great, enough said.

Probably weren't expecting that were you . . .

( Posted by: TheGreatSage [Member] On: May 23, 2005 )

soos in Babylon
soos: Old Sicilian saying..."The fish is caught by its open mouth."...

Stunt on!

"All snoring are not asleep."...

( Posted by: bobby7L [Member] On: May 23, 2005 )

intellectual relief
I think there is what I call an AM-radio talk show overload on all of these subjects, but this is relief, whimsical and irreverent. I would watch it if it replaced the British humor shows.

( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: July 2, 2005 )

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