In previous episodes we learned of the evil plan of Osama and Saddam to create a time machine in order to travel into the past and prevent Jesus’ crucifixion, thereby preventing the basis of Christianity. American forces captured Saddam before the machine, the Turban of Time, was completed. Upon its completion, Osama assigned his two most trusted mujahidin, Habil and Fahtted, assisted by the tiny scientist in charge of the machine’s creation, to rescue Saddam from his hiding hole just before his capture, replacing him with Nick Nolte. Nobody noticed. Following their joyful and disgusting reunion, Saddam volunteered for a suicide mission to blow up Jesus. Osama gladly accepted. We now continue with Habil and Fahtted’s exalted adventure.
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Saddam charged toward the temple. Jesus was overturning tables and raging at the moneychangers. A pilgrim noticed Saddam and shouted “Jesus, what’s with him?”
“I do not know”, replied Jesus.
Then Saddam detonated himself.
Jesus was the sole survivor, shielded from the blast by a heavy table. He had injured his back overturning the massive table.
“God, that hurts!” He shouted, wincing in pain.
“Watch your mouth, Son”, God replied.
Habil and Fahtted were discussing possible strategies.
“We’ll just have to go back and get him out of his hole just before we did the first time.”
“But then we won’t find him the first time! Then what?”
“We just have to put him back again when we’re done- after we pick him up again but before we find him the first time.”
“How can we put him back if he blows himself up?”
“Well, as long as he explodes and kills Jesus it shouldn’t matter if we get him back in the hole… I think.”
“What if we stuck Gary Busey in the hole?”
“Let’s kidnap Gary Busey and swap him for Saddam before we found him- that way, we’ve got Saddam and Gary Busey blew himself up two thousand years ago.”
“I am bewildered to a vexing degree. What else can we do- aside from Saddam?”
“Well, let’s see- camels eat oats, and lambs eat oats, and little lambs eat olives- an ass will eat oatmeal, too… Jesus will ride into town on a donkey. Let’s try to lure the donkey off the path and waylay Jesus,” suggested Habil.
“And what should we use? Quaker Oats? You are an ass on two legs.”
“How about if we replace the palm fronds with banana peels?”
“One more idea like that and I shall behead you myself. Your head serves you badly anyway. None of this is useful. The only way we can surely fix history is to prevent Saddam from blowing up the Temple. We’ll have to grab him right after we dropped him off. But we had better leave enough time so we don’t see ourselves- this is far too strange as it is.”
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do."
- Ralph 'Where's Waldo' Emerson
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like. And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
- Bilbo Baggins