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9Myth

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I sit in the dark cellar of my heart,
I try to enter yours with all my might.
Your will pushes me back into me.
You don't want me, I crave you,
I need to feel your touch, or watch as i slowly fall...falling...gone...

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The following comments are for "Falling"
by heartbreakersbeware

Hey Yall
Please rate and comement to me please!

( Posted by: heartbreakersbeware [Member] On: May 13, 2005 )

Ok heartbreaker
You must like abstract poetry. that's ok. Start this poem over by losing"as" in the first line. Take the "s" off cellar. Heart is singular. Lose the "ing" in the second line. Go for: I try to enter yours with all my might. No comma after "yours". Lose "but" in third and fourth lines. Place period after "me" in fourth line. Lose "slowly" in last line, maybe repeat "fall" twice more, punctuated by commas or a series of periods. Play with this some more. It can be really good.

williamhill

( Posted by: williamhill [Member] On: May 13, 2005 )

Re: falling

Cool dark subject matter with a tinge of masochism, interesting.


Ah! To be in the tangled lair of love and pain…

macbeth

( Posted by: macbeth [Member] On: May 13, 2005 )

To all
Well Williamhill:
Thanks for your coments! I will take them into a count! You should also try looking at my other peoms for me! but I will do my best to correct the errors!

TO Macbeth:
Thank you seemed to grasp the main drift of my peoms! But...Yes it is fun to be tangled in love and pain, let me tell you.
Laura

( Posted by: heartbreakersbeware [Member] On: May 13, 2005 )





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