Author's note: This story was written for parents who read to their children. Hopefully they will enjoy it as much as their offspring!
You must login to vote
Teana theReluctant Fairy Queen
Under a cloud !
What happened to Teana was a mistake. She only meant to teach her parents a lesson that
they would never forget. Well I don’t know about the lesson but they certainly forgot…
But let’s start at the beginning:
Teana was a naughty little girl!
Of course, she didn’t think she was a naughty little girl, but her parents obviously did :-
‘Teeaannaa?’ her mother would shout.
‘Yummmnnhhhh’ Teana would reply.
‘ Have you seen that new packet of chocolate biscuits I found this morning?’
‘Ohhnomummyyphh’ Teana would mumble; with a suspiciously chocolatey mouth!
‘Oh Teana’ sighed her mother, as she spotted the corner of an empty chocolate biscuit
packet sticking out from under the sofa. ‘Why are you such a naughty little girl?’
‘Teeeeeaaaanaaaahhhhh?’ Her father this time!
‘Sorry Daddy, I’m a bit busy at the moment….
‘Teana; have you seen my new paint roller? I just put it down for a minute, so that I could
take the lid off the paint tin and…’
Her father came into the kitchen.
‘I said; have you seen my new… Arrarrrarrrrgghhheeeeoooopapauughhh!
He made a very strange sound as he slid across the kitchen floor, tripped over the step at
the end and landed face down in the cat’s litter tray.
‘Oh Daddykins… Are you alright?’
Teana dropped the new paint roller that she had been using to mop up the cooking oil that
she had spilt all over the kitchen floor and rushed to her father’s side.
‘Oh poor Daddy! Are you alright?... Oooohh… Pheewee… I think you may want to take
‘Why… Teana… ‘
Said her father, lifting his head out of the litter tray,
‘…Are you such a naughty little girl?’
And so it went on;
‘Teeaana! Stop that!’
‘Do as you’re told!’
‘Teaannnaaa! Put that down!
‘But I’m only…… ‘
‘Just do as you’re told!’
‘Teaaaannnnaaaaa!’ What have I told you about shaving the cat !’
‘Teeaaaannnnnanannnanaaaa!’ I don’t care what you thought, Aunt Jane likes milk in her tea not yoghurt!’
Teeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Well yes! I
do think the wet paint on the soles of your shoes is enough proof…!’
You get the picture?
Something had to be done and, oddly enough, it was Teana who decided to do it!
Sitting alone in her room one day; having been sent there after the unfortunate and rather
wet, toilet and goldfish incident, Teana was sulking!
Once again she had got the blame for an accident! She had only been trying to be helpful!
She had decided to change the water in the goldfish bowl. Wasn’t that a good thing to do?
First, she had taken the goldfish bowl full of dirty water and her goldfish, Doom, to the
bathroom! Didn’t Mummy and Daddy realise how heavy a full goldfish bowl was? She’d
hardly spilt a drop. And the teeny weeny bit that she had dropped, would probably wash
off the duvet even if it was… a little green… and a little slimy… and a little smelly…!
Well that was why she was changing the water wasn’t it ?
Having got the goldfish bowl to the bathroom, she had rested it on the toilet rim and
slowly begun to pour away the old water. This had not been easy! She used one hand to
tip the bowl and the other to dam the flow; thus preventing Doom from escaping with the
She had almost finished when…
‘Teeaannaa! What on EARTH are you doing?’ Teana hadn’t heard her mother come in!
‘Oh Mummy!’ She said, putting her hand on her chest, ‘You gave me such a shock
Teana suddenly realised that the hand she had moved to calm her beating heart, had, until
now, been keeping Doom in the goldfish bowl! She watched in horror as a flash of gold
shot out of the goldfish bowl and into the toilet bowl!
‘Doom!’ She cried, plunging both hands into the toilet in order to rescue the hapless fish.
Unfortunately, between her hands and the toilet bowl was… the goldfish bowl, which,
propelled by Teana’s full weight, crashed into the toilet!
It was a miracle that the heavy glass goldfish bowl didn’t break!
It was a shame that the toilet bowl did!
It was unfortunate that Teana’s parents had just put a new carpet in the bathroom!
Teana did not think there had been any need for that amount of shouting!
She had told her parents that !
She had also told them that they should show her some sympathy! After all she had just
lost her goldfish!
Daddy had replied that if she did not go to her room and stay there, she would discover
that her ‘ Doom’ was not as far away as she thought and he didn’t mean a b******
Teana hadn’t been sure what that meant, but having recognised that look on Daddy’s
face, had quickly retreated to her bedroom and sulked!
‘They always blame me!’ She sulked.
‘The slightest little thing!’ She sulked
‘All I ever try to do is help!’ She sulked.
She’d only been trying to help mummy with the cooking when the oil had gone all over
the floor… And she’d only borrowed Daddy’s new paint roller to help clean the oil up!
She had thought it would help; when she heard Daddy complaining about the cat’s fleas;
if she shaved the cat. That was they had done to those little boys on the TV who had
lice… and lice were a kind of fleas weren’t they?
Mummy had been furious but Daddy had laughed and said ‘At least she used your safety
razor’… Which just made Mummy madder… And she didn’t deserve the looks she’d
been getting from Frog their now bald cat ever since!
She had only been trying to help when she tried to change the dirty water in the goldfish
Teana just wanted to help!
Her parents did not seem to understand this. All they ever seemed to say were things like
‘Teana! Stop that! and ‘Teana! How many times do we have to tell you?’ and ‘Teana! Do
what you’re told!’
That was their favourite!
‘Why can’t you do as you’re told?’
‘If I spent all my time doing what I was told I’d have no time left to help them!’ Thought
Teana, ‘Now that would serve them right! Who would do all those little helpful things
that nobody told you to do like… like… Well, anyway, they’d soon know if I didn’t do
That was when she had the idea!
She would show them!
Always bad was she?
All right then! She would do as she was told! Everything she was told! But she wouldn’t
do anything that nobody told her to do! Ha you just see if she would!
That’d show them!
From that moment on things were very different at number 24 Sicksmith Walk!
The very next morning, when her father came into her room to tell her to;
‘Get out of bed now! You’ll be late again! How many times do I have to tell you…!!!’
Teana was already up, washed and dressed for school.
‘Good morning Daddykins!’ Said Teana brightly.
‘Er… Good morning Teana… Are you feeling alright?’ asked her father.
‘Yes of course. Why shouldn’t I be?’ replied Teana happily
‘Oh… Err… No reason.’ Mumbled her father, leaving the room.
‘Teana! Will you please set the table! Why I have to tell you to do it every day is totally
beyond me!’ Grumbled her mother that afternoon.
‘I’ve already set it Mumsy’ called Teana
‘Oh right… and I’m the Queen of England…’ Her mother was struck dumb as she
came into the dining room and found that the table was indeed set.
‘Is that alright?’ Asked Teana sweetly.
‘Err… fine…lovely… yes… Are you feeling alright Teana?’ Asked her mother feeling
‘Yes, why shouldn’t I be?’ replied Teana.
‘Ohh… No reason… Dear!’
At first Teana’s parents were very worried by this sudden change in Teana’s behaviour.
They even discussed taking her to the doctor; but what to say?
‘Oh doctor we are so worried about Teana. She’s being so good!’
‘Er… Good?’ The doctor would say.
‘She’s doing what she’s told!’ Her parents would say……….And then feel very foolish!
In the end they decided it was probably just’a faze’ she was going through and that she
would probably ’grow’ out of it in time.
But Teana didn’t grow out of it! She just got better and better (I’d have said gooder and
gooder but apparently you can’t say that!)
She never had to be reminded to; Feed the cat, set the table, make her bed, brush her hair,
clean her room, eat her vegetables, wash her hands, turn her CD player down, turn the TV
off, shut down the computer, feed (the new) goldfish… or any other of the things that
adults think that children should do! In a word Teana was PERFECT… And that ,my
friends is were it all went weirdzoid and I don’t care if there isn’t such a word, that’s
where it went! And that’s where our story really begins!
When Teana started being good, her parents were worried; as time went on and she kept
on being good; her parents started boasting to their friends about their perfect little girl!
As more time passed Mummy and Daddy’s friends got bored rigid with hearing how
perfect Teana was… and her parents got bored of telling them!
You see, when Teana started being good, her parents said nice things like; ‘Oh well done
Teana!’ or ‘That’s lovely Teana! What a good girl you are!’ But as the weeks and months
passed and she kept on being good, her Mummy and Daddy, I ‘m afraid to say, started to
take her good behaviour for granted!
When they came home from work, they expected; the kettle to be boiled; the tea in the
pot; the table to be set; the cat to be fed; the house to be clean; the TV to be off; her
homework to be done and Teana, being a good girl, being neither seen nor heard!
As more time passed and Teana continued being the perfect little girl, her parents, I’m
absolutely horrified to tell you, forgot that she was there at all!!!
At the exact moment that her Mummy and Daddy forgot to remember their daughter,
Teana became a Fairy Queen!
This was a MISTAKE!!
Little girls like Teana do NOT become Fairy Queens!
Little girls who become Fairy Queens are GOOD!
Really good… NOT JUST PRETENDING!
Now of course, not every good little girl becomes a Fairy Queen. Good grief no! If that
was the case then we’d have Fairy Queens coming out of our ears… and that would never
do, but little girls who become Fairy Queens are always good little girls. They always
have clean faces; they always do their homework; they only play with nice girls and
boys; they always wear pink fluffy frocks with satin slippers to birthday parties; they
always in bed by 7:00 at night and they are absolutely and most definitely not cool !
Here are the official rules that tell you what a little girl has to be to become a Fairy
1/ It has to be a good little girl! Everybody knows that little boys can’t be good for that
2/ A little girl has to have silly parents who believe that good children should be neither
seen nor heard and because their little girl is so good they neither see nor hear her… They
have, in fact, forgotten her.
3/ The little girl has to be little. (the current height restrictions for Fairy Queens is 3’ 6”
and three quarters… including hair style).
4/ It has to be the right weather conditions i.e. There has to be a four foot square pink
cloud in the shape of a pixie’s hat hovering exactly seventy two foot four inches above
the house of the Fairy Queen candidate.
If all the above conditions are met and if it is three o’clock on a Tuesday in June (in a
leap year, of course!)… Then that little girl might become a Fairy Queen.
As it happened Teana’s parents were, obviously, silly. Teana was only 3ft high, there
definitely was a four foot pixie’s hat cloud (complete with bell) reported hovering at
exactly seventy two foot four inches above her house and it was three o’clock in the
afternoon on a Tuesday in June (Yep… it was a leap year!).
But was Teana a good little girl?
Teana had become very, very, very bored with the ‘Let’s do as I’m told’ game. It had
been fun to start with; ‘Oh what a good little girl.’ They would say, and ‘Tut ; I wish my
little Tommy would behave like Teana!’
Even posh aunt Jane had been impressed;
‘Well I must say Teaaahhnah (she always said Teana’s name like that!), there certainly
seems to have been a vaaaast improvement in your behaviour since my last visit!’
When posh Aunt Jane was leaving, Teana curtseyed and posh Aunt Jane gave her a
In fact, I’m afraid to say, the reason Teana continued playing the ‘Do as you’re told’
game for so long was because of all the extra money and presents she got and not because
she just wanted to be a good little girl!
Not any more though! Now, because everybody expected her to be good, they didn’t give
her any presents! In fact, they didn’t even notice her any more!
Well it was obviously time for a new game!
Five minutes before Teana became a Fairy Queen, she had invented the ‘Blame the cat’
game. This is how she would play it;
Teana would tell her parents that she was going to do something that they had asked her
to do, but then, instead of doing it, do something very naughty and then blame the cat!
If that sounds complicated this is how it would work;
Posh aunt Jane was coming for tea again. She really was very posh. When she came to
tea, the best cups and saucers were laid on the best tablecloth, with a huge plate of very
expensive chocolate biscuits on the best, shiny, polished table in the best room in the
Teana would tell her Mummy that she was going to set the table and she would set it!
Then… She would eat all of the chocolate biscuits, knock over the milk jug, so milk went
all over the best table cloth, stain the highly polished table and drip onto the ‘Have you
any idea how much that cost’ carpet and then… Blame the cat for all of it !
I’m afraid she never even considered what would happen to poor old Frog the cat, who it
has to be said, after having been shaved by Teana, was not her biggest fan!!!!
Now I know that this is not a very nice game but, to be fair to Teana, she never actually
got to play it… She never got the chance!
Just as she was about to go downstairs to fetch the best tea cups, Teana heard a great
‘Whoosshing and a weird ‘Smmppaaatterring.
‘Now what on earth…?’ said Teana.
A rainbow burst from the fireplace and swirled about her, shooting upwards and forming
a multi-coloured hole in the roof above her head.
‘Well that is unusual…’ She muttered.
Her head began to stretch like an elastic band towards the hole and with a ‘Beeeoing’ the
rest of her body followed up. All of a sudden, Teana was surrounded by what looked like
pink cotton wool and she could hear, what she thought was, the sound of the bell on the
top of a pixie’s hat.(Where she had heard the sound of a bell on the top of a pixies hat
before, I don’t honestly know!).
‘This is definitely not a normal Tuesday!’ Huffed Teana!
Then, the pink cotton wool (which, as you will have guessed, was a pixie hat shaped
cloud), the sound of a pixie bell, Teana and all the assorted weirdness… disappeared
from Sicksmith Walk and everybody who had ever known Teana, including her parents,
simply forgot all about her, which, as you no doubt know, is all part of a Fairy
Everybody, that is, apart from Frog the cat! Cats are strange creatures and immune to
most sorts of magic. No one knows why! Frog aside, though, Teana was forgotten by all!
The Lord Chamberlain
Harold Ponsonby Mushroom Toes Slugsby – Jones the fourth was content. Everything
was in readiness for the new Fairy Queen.
Harold had been Lord Chamberlain (or ‘bestest servant’ as he was also known) to the last
four Fairy Queens of Bigfieldandsnowdropwoodshire. His last Fairy Queen had just been
promoted to Big Queen Fairy of Bigfieldandsnowdropwoodshire and
Thenextbitoflandbeyonditincludingtheduckpondshire. She was called Bethany and they
had become great friends. Harold knew he would miss her but he also knew she would be
popping in, now and again, to see how the new Fairy Queen was getting on; so he would
see her soon.
‘Enough of this nonsense!’ Said Harold to himself, straightening up to his full height of
one foot five and a half inches.
‘You have a new Fairy Queen to serve…’
Harold, it must be said, was fond of speaking to himself.
‘…Some poor, wretched, good little girl who nobody loves. Why I wouldn’t be surprised
if, even now, as the cloud speeds her here to her new Queendom, I say I wouldn’t be
surprised if she were sobbing her heart out! Well, Harold, it’s your job to help her; to
give the poor little thing courage; to show her just how much we appreciate good little
girls around here!’
Oh reader, I don’t think this is going to be one of Harold Ponsonby Mushroom Toes
Slugsby – Jones the fourth’s better days!
Suddenly a shadow fell over Harold’s portly little figure. Looking up, he saw that the
pink cloud had arrived. There was a rumble and then a ‘Thweaaasakk’ and finally a
‘Craaackkk’ as a bolt of bright pink lightning struck the ground just missing his right
foot. Harold jumped back (No matter how many times pink lightning strikes the ground
by your foot, it always makes you jump!).
As quickly as the cloud appeared, it was gone! Where the lightning had struck sat a
bedraggled little girl. Teana (for, as you will have already guessed, that’s who it was!)
climbed to her feet.
‘Well really!’ She said
‘Pink clouds!’ She said
‘Err Hem?’ Said Harold
‘Yeeeooowwkkkk!’ Screamed Teana, who hadn’t seen Harold standing behind her.
It might seen rude to scream the first time you meet somebody but in Teana’s defence
Harold was only one foot five and a half inches high; he was wearing a green tailcoat
with a gold waistcoat; there was a bright green wig perched on the top of his , obviously,
bald head and his skin was definitely blue!
‘Your Highness’ said Harold with a deep bow.
This was a mistake! As he bent forward, his green wig fell off. Then, in his rush to
replace it, he put it on backwards!
Although still somewhat surprised at the way today was turning out, Teana laughed!
‘Your Highness?’ Queried Harold.
‘Your wig’s on backwards.’ Giggled Teana.
‘Oh ah humpphhh’ muttered Harold as he rearranged his hair (blushing bright blue as he
‘Who are you?’ Asked Teana, bluntly, remembering her bad manners!
‘I,’ replied Harold regaining his composure, ‘am Harold Ponsonby Mushroom Toes
Slugsby – Jones lV , your Lord Chamberlain, Your Highness.’
After which he bowed again; this time keeping one hand firmly clamped on his wig.
‘My Lord Chamberlain?’ Said Teana
‘Yes Your Highness’ Replied Harold.
‘…And I take it you are not just calling me ‘Your Highness’ because I am taller than
you?’ Asked Teana
‘No, Your Highness, you are the new Queen!’ Harold replied
‘The new Queen !’ repeated Teana.
‘The new Fairy Queen to be perfectly accurate.’ Confirmed Harold.
‘The new Fairy… Ok Harry I think you had better explain.’
‘It’s Harold, Madame, certainly I’ll explain…’ and he did.
He told her about how good girls who have silly parents can become Fairy Queens; how
this had happened to Teana and that she was now the new Fairy Queen of
‘Whooaa that’s wicked’ said Teana when Harold had finished.
‘Oh no madame! A Fairy Queen could never be wicked!’ Said Harold, horrified!
‘No not wicked..’ explained Teana ‘… I mean like Yo Wicked!’
‘Maam?’ asked Harold, mystified.
‘Oh never mind’ said Teana ‘If all this is true, how come I’m not home sick and missing
my Mummy and Daddy?’
‘Well…’ explained Harold ‘…We couldn’t possibly have an unhappy Fairy Queen, so an
anti-homesickness spell is added to the Fairy Queenering package.’
‘So I’m a Fairy Queen’ said Teana
‘Yes Maam.’ Said Harold
‘Fairy Queen of Bigsnowfield… Snowbigfield….’ Struggled Teana
‘Bigfieldandsnowdropwoodshire! Yes Maam.’ Helped Harold.
‘Whatever. Whooaaa this is so cool!’
‘Cool, Maam ?’ Harold was worried. He was usually warned when a new Queen spoke a
‘Yeah! You know, cool.. Cool.. Hmm,, Never mind.. So, Harry, where does the Fairy
Queen of Bigsnowfie.., Wherever, live?’
‘It’s Harold, Maam.’ Harold reminded her ‘You live in your castle Maam.’
Ooooooo, I was sooooo hoping you were going to say that.’ Gurgled Teana ‘Is it far?’
‘Just a blink away, Maam. Now if you would be so good as to put your hand on my
shoulder… Thankyou… Now… ‘
Harold drew himself up to his full height and raised his left hand.
‘ Is this where you recite some terrible poem like Eeeny Meeny Miny Mo?’ Asked Teana
‘A terrible poem.. A terrible… No Maam!’ spluttered Harold
‘Trans Shire transportation involves the solemn invocation of power by the utilisation of
ancient words of wisdom !’
‘I’m sorry I’m sure.’ Muttered Teana.
‘Hmmphh’ Harumphed Harold ‘If I may continue?’
‘Go ahead.’ Said Teana
Raising his left hand once again, Harold pointed down to his bare blue feet and in a deep
‘I don’t know
Why my left toe
To your castle
Helps us go’
‘That’s terrible!’ Said Teana
Just before they both disappeared!
A castle fit for a queen
This had already been the longest afternoon in Harold’s life and the sun hadn’t even gone
Introducing a new Fairy Queen to her duties, kingdom and castle was the second most
important subject at the ‘All Fairyland School For Lord Chamberlains’, and Harold had
come top of his class.
New Fairy Queens are confused, nervous and shy. That’s what it said in the book; that’s
what they taught at the school and that is exactly what Harold’s last three Fairy Queens
had been: confused, nervous and shy!
Teana obviously hadn’t read the book!
As soon as the trans-shire spell had deposited them in the centre of the great hall of the
Fairy Queen castle, Harold launched into his standard ‘Welcome to your new home’
speech. He only got as far as ‘ Welc….’, however, when he was interrupted by Teana’s
‘It’s absolutely Hyauuuge!..Look at that stairway…’
‘Yes,’recovered Harold, ‘that is the great marble staircase….’
‘I can run up this side really fast…’ Shouted Teana, demonstrating.
‘…built by the great architect…’ Harold struggled to continue
‘…And then slide really fast down the banister on this side… Wheeeeeeeeee..’
‘Bondigrass the first!’ Harold wasn’t giving up!
‘Wheeeee… Oh Oh… Ooops… Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa’ wailed Teana as she flew off the end
of the banister!
‘Oh dear’ said Harold.
‘Oooof!’ Ooofed Teana, as she landed hard on her bottom and continued sliding, at great
speed, towards the enormous French windows.
Harold quickly pointed his left foot at the speeding figure, wiggled his big toe and
‘Come on toe
Make her slow
You’ve made me hop
Now make her stop!’
Just when it looked like Teana was going to smash into the huge glass doors… She
‘Ow’ moaned Teana as she got up rubbing a sore bottom!
‘That’s a very useful toe you’ve got there, Harold!’ She said, limping towards him.
‘Thank you Ma’am.’ Replied Harold ‘Now if we could get back to the official tour of the
‘Oh I suppose so.’ Sighed Teana ‘Oh no! Look at my jeans! I can’t go anywhere in
The slide across the marble floor had worn a great hole in the seat of her jeans!
‘That, Madame, I can remedy immediately!’ said Harold, raising his left foot.
‘Oh oh! Here comes the ‘Dinky Pinky!’ Muttered Teana slightly nervously.
Old clothes go,
We need no less
Than the great dress’
Recited Harold, after which he gave a particularly vigorous wiggle of his toe. There was
a flash and a puff of smoke and suddenly Teana’s T-Shirt and jeans had gone, replaced
by a fluffy pink dress with big shoulders and a huge bouncy skirt.
Teana stared down at herself.
‘Behold! The official gown of the Fairy Queen of Bigfieldandsnowdropwoodshire!’
Announced Harold, glad to be back on schedule
‘It’s…’ Whispered Teana
‘As old as the Queendom itself!’ Puffed Harold
‘It’s absolutely…’ Breathed Teana.
‘Made of silk woven by the elves of Satinwood.’ This is what Harold had trained for.
‘It’s absolutely and completely …..!’ Sighed Teana
Sewn together by Agnes the great witch of the Seventh Spiral.’ Harold was on a roll!
‘HORRIBLE!’ Screamed Teana.
‘Horr… Horr… Horr.. ‘ Stammered Harold
‘It’s more horrible than a spider in the bath!’ Confirmed Teana, ‘It’s more horrible than
Continued Teana, ‘It’s more horrible than… What are these ?’ She had lifted the
dress and was staring at her feet.
‘The Pearl Slippers of Queen Batitude!’ Informed Harold.
‘I’ve just discovered something more horrible than the dress!’ Said Teana ‘I’ll have my
own clothes back now thank you!’
‘Ah.’ Said Harold
‘Now!’ Said Teana, in the tone of voice that used to make her mother shudder.
‘I’m afraid it can’t be done!’ apologised Harold.
He went on to explain that Fairy Queen frocks were made using very strong magic. Once
they were on, they stayed on!
Well Teana certainly put the strength of that magic to the test! She tried ripping; she tried
tearing; she tried biting! She even tried the ‘Sliding down the banister and sliding on her
bottom trick that had done for her jeans; but all that gave her was a sore bum!
In the end the magic won, the dress stayed on and Harold continued the tour of the castle.
Teana sulked! She sulked through the thirty five bedrooms and twenty two bathrooms;
she sulked through the golden dining room;she sulked through the long living room (so
long that you need binoculars to see the far end); she sulked through the ballroom (so
large that a miniture steam engine and four coaches was used by the staff to reach the
dining tables placed around the dance floor); she sulked through the enormous gleaming
kitchens that had such enormous sinks, that when they were not being used to wash up
dishes, were used by the all Fairyland Pixie long distance swimming team for training
purposes. But even Teana who, in her previous life, had been famous for her sulks, could
not keep sulking when confronted by the castle gardens!