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Write Off: Carnal Amnesia
by Bartleby (Member) - published: June 30, 2002
Word Count: 91 Word Bytes: 621 Viewed: 1201 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Bartleby





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8

(3 votes)


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I confess,
I don’t understand
how we arrived here
from sweaty naked beasts
rutting in the darkness of my cave,
to you staring through me
while I frantically grasp
for the edges of conversation.
You’ve held me
in your mouth, smiling
but now I’m a stranger?
I’ve carried the marks of your nails,
trophies on my shoulders
and now you have
no words for me?
I once believed,
that together we had meaning,
only to be left ill at ease
by the unclean feeling
your eyes leave on my face.


------
Smile if you're stupid,
laugh if you understand.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Write Off: Carnal Amnesia"
by Bartleby

mugga
Are you sure you're not living in some dark corner of my mind? Do I become you when I pass out?

..

It's just too close to the truth to be anything else.

Excellent job, I must confess. I'd be giving you a rating, but I'm not sure if it's "legal" since we're all competing, wot.

( Posted by: Rogan [Member] On: June 30, 2002 )


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Possibly...
Ok, this is great work. I can see the frustration element mixed with quite a few other emotional states. The piece flows well and creates a good mental picture. Once again, a higher rating would've been forth coming but...

( Posted by: Apathy's tears [Member] On: July 1, 2002 )

Deliciously sinfull
Oh yeah, this one set off alarms and bells, whistels, fireworks, sparks you name it, inside my head. I swear its freaky how well you captured this subject matter. I'm impressed and intimadated by the fact that I'm competing against some really hard hitters in this write off. The only thought I have right now is I wonder what your family would say if they read this? ;)

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: July 1, 2002 )

Rate
Richard said we can rate each other if we wanted, and since I've already made a comment here's my rating. 7!!!!

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: July 1, 2002 )

I feel dirty......
Excellent work, I think it gets the job done and in an interesting way. I would have rated you higher but I think I bungled up my curve a few stories ago.... hehehe

( Posted by: kross [Member] On: July 2, 2002 )

Well...
This piece is excellent work. My only reason for so low a rating here is because it expresses so many other emotions such as confusion and bitterness that seem to overpower the frustration aspect.

( Posted by: Khazra3829 [Member] On: July 4, 2002 )

re: Carnal Amnesia

Good poem and it worked well in this write off. I could sense the frustration.

I would have rated it higher except for some reason it felt like it was a little off. I can't put my finger on what was off though. I don't know if a word or something threw in a catch for me or if it was just timing or what. It was good though.

( Posted by: Crowe [Admin] On: July 7, 2002 )

re: Carnal Amnesia
Discriptive, emotional, evocative. You've covered the bases with this one. Only thing I'd change would be the first line "I confess" as it contributes nothing and isn't as good an opener as the second line. I threw it out in my reading, and I think you should too. The rest is purely captivating.

( Posted by: malthis [Member] On: July 8, 2002 )

Awesome
"by the unclean feeling
your eyes leave on my face"
You've got a nifty turn of phrase there.

Awesome.

( Posted by: redbear [Member] On: July 10, 2002 )

eesh
this was disturbing, dirty, sinful, depressing, and dark...in other words, I like it a lot. The imagery is very well used. It's just a very well-written piece.

( Posted by: the Co.konspirator [Member] On: July 10, 2002 )

Nice
I must say that it was intresting. You my dear get a 7.

( Posted by: lovesessence [Member] On: July 16, 2003 )





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