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If I could speak to you In words youd understand
Would it matter if I was pretty
Would it matter if I was bland
If I knew the words to make you happy
Could I take it all and disappear.

If I was beautiful to you would it make you mad?
Would you see me any different?
Could you see me like I said?

If I could get dawn to hurry - - I could get along with my day.
Smelling of you in the morning
Its such a confusing fucking way
To spill my hearts ingredients in such a horrific way.

If only things were different now
Id not said those words to you.
If only I could unbreak this heart - - Id do the same for you.
Turn back the table - - make you happy again
Turn away this affection - - this painful sin.
To fall in love is a twisted sickness
And it pains lovers every day
To live, and love .. and live again
All in the same merry day.

If I knew all I know now...then. I'd have still made the same mistakes - - because I wouldn't believe myself.

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The following comments are for "41705 - #2"
by unluckymonkey

Zip Code Redux (ha!)
Well, this one was not as good as the first one. And I should know because of no good reason at all.

I'm feeling sassy. Have a serious project in the works and I'm taking it out on you - sorry!

I wasn't feeling the non-rhyme then rhyme. Sometimes I do feel it, but not here. If you were going for a moment of foot-stompin', then it would work, but use stronger speech and exclamation points!! lol. You did by adding "fucking" in there, but "IF I COULD get dawn to hurry..." is so passive. Make it more forceful and I think the sudden rhyme would work better. At least for me.

I would like to see this and the first dated poem put together, but separated by either numbers, times of day (my fave), or asterisks. It would be cool to see it read as a progression.

Hope this is a welcome comment. Hope to read more soon.


( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: April 18, 2005 )

Well... I can see that.
I'm kinda wondering though ... you've picked me for commenting - - guess I should say thanks ^^;

( Posted by: unluckymonkey [Member] On: April 18, 2005 )

Here is where you get my famous


lol. Someone had to get my comment, and it was you. You gotta problem with that??? (kidding)


( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: April 18, 2005 )

A Lucky Monkey
I read this afternoon, but just now returned. Yeah, the date thing..Noticed that at first post. I will defer to Lans. You have a good person giving counsel. Welcome to Lit, for most part a wondrous place..

Keep writing,

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: April 18, 2005 )

thanks bobby
I must confess though ... This isn't my first time at lit.
I used to write years ago ... "Nicole" I think was my name.
But... as it's been years... I had NO idea about passwords... or if I even wanted to stay as me.
"Unluckymonkey" I am. I think it suits me much better.

( Posted by: unluckymonkey [Member] On: April 19, 2005 )

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