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One day she lay alone in her bed,
Her solid red pajamas beaming,
Like frozen blood on dead skin,
Still in a moment of forgetfulness,
Soon to awaken as the,
Rising sun,
Melting the dead image into flow,
Glowing like a dandelion,
Offending the poppy,
Across the canvas sheets,
In forgetfulness,
Recalling to the state ever begging,
“Let me be in peace again.”

The blooming primaries finally,
Giving way,
To mornings unwanted,
Pale in the shadow of the day.

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The following comments are for "Rising"
by ThwanCondu

I like the wording, the emotion, the prettiness and (my interpretation of) melancholy of this poem. But I hate to say "however..." I would encourage you to eliminate the commas after every line. Punctuation is encouraged where it is required and expected, and first-line capitals are something everyone has their own opinion on (I like them :) ), but the punctuation is a stumbling block.

Overall, I really like this. It's like a nice acrylic in the morning sun.


( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: April 14, 2005 )

thanks! Really appreciate the tip!

( Posted by: thwancondu [Member] On: April 17, 2005 )

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