Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search

Average Rating

(1 votes)

RatingRated by

You must login to vote

One day, the gates of hell opened up before my very eyes, a portal, a dimension that I had never imagined or dare to imagine, even in my worst dreams. As I cross the threshold of this underworld, I saw bloodshed. It was blood everywhere, raining from above and flooding the ground. I saw Pain, I saw Agony, I saw Treasure, and I saw Lust, they were Gods of the world. Yes, they were living beings yet demonic in features, bloody, eating raw fleshes of souls condemned to deeper purgatory.
I saw other souls,too. Some were ripped of their skin, screaming an anguished scream that pierced my ears, screaming as they walk to lost fate. They were slaves of the mighty Gods, like stringed puppets to be pulled or dropped and even destroyed at the mercy or satisfaction of the powerful. Among these, I also saw children, grasping their seared stomaches, hallowed and manacled by hunger, washed and watered by tears. The young one's ribs visible, organs crying for attention, for care. For love. I saw angels and demons, and then that I carefully came to realize that these must be innocents enguf in a sea of sin.
I turned to my left and I saw higher mountains destroying lowlands. I saw small buildings looking up to higher structures yet in return the mighty destroys the small. I looked down, to turn away from this unjust demolition. Below, I saw no plants, no flowers but only bloody vines that suffocate the land. I raise my head and saw the crimson sky, but a large amount of black hue poisons the faint red light.
I looked back but only saw a vast space in blood and in ruins.I try to shut my eyes to stop this agonized scene but I glanced at a mirror and in it, was myself among these mulitude of souls. Then it came to me that I am already in this world.There was no escape.I close the window and everything went black. This is no dream, this is reality


The following comments are for "Stigma"
by luceat

done Dante
Technical things first –I tripped and stumbled:

souls,too / stomaches / enguf / ruins.I / mulitude / world.There / escape.I

One of many ambiguities:
"hallowed and manacled by hunger" – Hallowed, as intended: “made holy”? It works. But I think the story does not set up the precedent, or possibility of such image. Hollowed? also works.

“ripped of their skin” => their skin ripped off?

“children, grasping” – comma not needed.

“and then that I carefully came to “– stylistically awkward.

A very interesting concept, very dramatic and captivating. However, should be raised to a much higher artistic level.

( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: April 12, 2005 )

Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.