Dear Cousin Billy Bob;
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Hope you a yers is doin fine. How’s the wife? Did ya get her teeth fixed Yet? Yule have to write me and tell me bout it some time. Anyways I’m a writin to tell you about the strangest thing I e’er seen. That’s including the time cousin Clem got that two headed pig to have sex with that five legged lamb over at the County Fair. And you know damn well how that came out. But this was even crazier, I swear.
Anyways, me and Clem was still kindly down after ol’ Cousin Kenny’s passin and we was just a sittin around the house a watching one of them bikini contests on the cable. Well that got our manhood to stirrin and all, so we got a plan to go on into town and get us some women. So we got ourselves all gussied up, you know I ain’t much to look at, but ol’ Clem, well he cleans up real nice and I put the best comb on my hair I could. Figured I’d do my best and maybe come out with an ugly one, if’n I was lucky.
So anyways, we drove the truck down to the Cedar Valley Inn. You member that place, bout halfway between Wagon Wheel Lake and the old Benson Farm? We got to drinking on the way, we membered you saying something bout how you ain’t sposed to drink beer in yer truck no more, so we stuck mostly to whiskey just to be safe.
Well we was drunk fore we hit the door, but we went inside and ordered a couple more and started scopin out the pickins for that evening. Surprising there was quite a few ladies, but mostly the locals. I thought for a minute old Rhonda Harper was giving me the eye fore Clem reminded me that she had that glass eye on account of her daddy beating the real one out of her head back a few summers ago.
Well with that opportunity lost, I took one last shot of whiskey and was just about to settle for one of those local gals. We call them “Two Seaters” on account a they havin to buy two seats when they fly on a plane. Ya get me, these is big ol’ gals! Anyway, in walks four or five of thee most beautiful women I e’er saw. They was all made up pretty with them shiny dresses and lots of make-up and nylons and all. Not at all the type usually hangs out at the Cedar Valley Inn. And they was tall like super models, one of em was more than six foot I believe.
Well me and Clem didn’t waste no time in going over to buy them all a drink. We told them all how beautiful they was and asked if they was some of them female basketball players we was always seeing on the TV. They laughed and told us they was just passing through town on their way to some convention or another. Anyways to make a long story short we spent a few more hours just a drinking and a laughing and the blonde one, her name was Roz seemed kind of sweet on me. She asked if I’d like to take her back to my place and have some fun.
I just about died right on the spot. I was readier to go than a pig in a sausage factory! I told ol’ Clem I was fixin to split with Roz and he gave me the wink and we was off. Roz drove us back to my place and we went right inside. I fixed her another drink and she went right to work rubbin up and down on me and things started gettin real hot and heavy real quick. Well I reached up under that cute little dress of hers and stopped dead in my tracks.
I felt what I first had hoped was her purse, maybe stuffed up under her underwear, but even drunk as I was I knew at that moment that it was a bulge. A BULGE!. You heard me. I pushed Roz back and she/he...Roz looked at me kind of funny. She told me not to worry and that everything would be all right. I told Roz that she was a MAN! She smiled and started to move back towards me when I told her that although I never hit a lady...she was no lady and that she had better back up a step or two fore I clock her one.
She tried to reason with me and convince me that it would be a great experience, but I told her that my Daddy always said, “You can take another man to go out a swimmin’ but when it comes to the bedroom...MEN ARE FOR WOMEN!”
Just then Clem came screeching up in his truck and busted right in through the front door. He was a hollerin and a carryin on at the top of his lungs “They’s Men...They’s Men!” I told him I already figured that one out and to calm himself down. Although I thanked him for his concern, I wadn’t no fool.
Well in the end it turned out that Roz and the rest of the bunch wadn’t bad fellers. We told em’ we didn’t hold no hard feelings we just didn’t go that a way. They said they understood and that two virile men like us probably was a little more than they could of handled any way. I agreed and smiled just the same.
Them fellers was even nice enough to invite us up to a parade they was going to this weekend. They said they’d have plenty of barbeque and beers and all. Sounds like a whole lot of fun and all and me and Clem is fixin to head up their tomorrow. They told us if’n we liked women, there’d be plenty of em’ at this old parade. As I said, me and Clem ain’t no fools, we ain’t gonna miss another chance to get us some women. Wish me luck.
It wasn't my fault...I fell asleep and missed my stop.