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Last Gasp

I feel your eyes on me
Looking me over
Taking me in and passing on by

I tried to warn you
That wave had to break
Riding the crest just meant a longer fall

Your mind is wandering
Can't...quite....focus
Long enough to take on a physical form

I feel your pain in me
Doubling me over
Raking my skin and pricking my eye

I wanted to help you
That swell was too great
Carried you away to crash on rocky shores

Your soul is hovering
Can't...find....a footing
Living in limbo on the cusp of death's dawn.

I feel your fear of me
Taking me over
Shaking my confidence and rattling my cage

I had to leave you
Treading water in your wake
Swept out to sea by the turn of the tide

Your fire is flickering
Can't...(gasp)....breath
No oxygen to starve or fuel left to burn

----mjp----


Author's Note:
This started with the working title of "Ghost", but I changed it because of the movie of the same name and a recent similarly titled poem of mine. It was inspired by some visits to quiet spiritual places hidden away in the bushland where I had that feeling of being watched, but not threatened. It is more about loss in relationships than loss of life, making tough choices and dealing with guilt. Thanks for reading.



------
Like the grasses showing tender faces to each other, thus should we do, for this was the wish of the Grandfathers of the World.

Black Elk




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Comments

The following comments are for "Last Gasp"
by Smithy

Checkin ya out
Hi! I especially liked the sixth stanza, it is fitting for some things going on right now. Very pulling set of words. :-) In the last stanza, I don't know if you want the word breath, or breathe? Reading it as the sentence is, you might have left off the last 'e', I don't know. Thanks for the read, great poem.

Dee

( Posted by: Deelyte [Member] On: March 31, 2005 )

you are right Deelyte
Absolutely right Deelyte. Should have been "breathe". I'll fix it up once this goes off the front page. Thanks for your time and comments.
cheers
smithy

( Posted by: Smithy [Member] On: March 31, 2005 )

Good idea Demeter
Thanks for your comments and suggestions Demeter. You are right. I'll have a think about extending it. There's a lot of the same thing being repeated in it I feel and it's vague except in that stanza we all like. ;) I'll see what I can do with it a little later. Thanks for giving it your time and thoughts.
cheers
smithy

( Posted by: Smithy [Member] On: April 2, 2005 )

love it
ok i don't even kno wat to say.. awesome poem.. i like the pauses it just puts u in the poem, makes you feel like its you... its jsut GREAT

( Posted by: litllaur468 [Member] On: April 11, 2005 )

thanks littllaur
No, you said it perfectly. In fact you even reminded me of the state of mind I was in when writing it. It was supposed to draw you in. The first line was written directly to a reader, trying to catch the eye. And the pauses were to make it, Oh I don't exactly know, it was meant to do...nope.... but the outcome was exactly that as you say = that it would put you in the poem. It's just great to know some things worked. So thanx, you said exactly the right thing.
cheers
smithy

( Posted by: Smithy [Member] On: April 12, 2005 )





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