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My mind is amess with different things I'm thinking, and they're fighting. I've decided to write it out here, as to restrain each thought to its proper cage before euthanizing the rabid bastards.

So, the thought list (I'm a compulsive list-maker)

1. There's poetry in my mind that just won't channel through me, somehow.

2. I make people think the wrong thing about me.

3. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him (ad infinitum)

4. I need to lose weight.

5. If I don't finish this painting I'm going to miss the deadline.

I'm a fan of organization, so let's go through this one by one.

1. There's poetry in my mind that just won't channel through me, somehow.
I'm getting royally sick of writing bad drafts time after time because I've got a few good lines in my head. I start from a line that just comes out of nowhere, and write around it (at least in poetry) and my recent inability to do that whole "write around it" thing has caused me to have a stack of good lines with no plot. Writing has always been a violent process for me-- it just hurts to say so much about myself-- but with the addition of some strange form of writer's block in which I have good ideas and no words to express them (generally the opposite is true) it's become even more violent. They're just words. Cheap, empty, high supply low demand words.

2. I make people think the wrong thing about me.
Dealing with the effects of someone who thinks I care about them a lot more than I do. I don't know if I lead these boys on but there are just so many problems like this for me.

Warning: I am a magnet for middle-aged men encountering a midlife crisis, and teenagers with too much time to think and not enough people to care for them. Please, for your own safety, stay behind the yellow tape.

I can't help but think that I lead them on, and I feel guilty for that... even with little proof that I actually do. Men just don't do well in my life. We don't get along.


3. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him (ad infinitum)
Except for Andrew, who never counts. I'm sure anyone reading this will dismiss oru relationship for the general highschool/college thing, and that would usually bother me.. it doesn't now. I had him for a week, I felt his fingertips, remembered the way his hair smells, and he finally got to see me debate. 2 more months apart. 3 more months in the same city but separate. Then college.

4. I need to lose weight.
Just a reminder that I'm still 17 in spite of all this deep thought. I have a completely psychotic ballet teacher who is on a rampage; every girl must weigh no more than 110 pounds, regardless of height. This was fine until my father (who really must enjoy torturing me) demanded that I get back in dance or there would be repercussions. I'm 5'6" and as of now am about 5 pounds over the 110 mark, placing me just barely above underweight status. 5 pounds less would be very very bad.

5. If I don't finish this painting I'm going to miss the deadline.
Nothing like an art contest (even worse, an art/poetry contest). I'm doing "painting Wet on Wet" as my accompanying piece of poetry, and the image matches quite well I think. I close up of one hand, covered in dripping paint, and an arched back, shoulder blade, neck. Intense reds, purples, and blacks. I like it so far, but it's not done and it's due in around a week.

*deep breath* okay... I can handle all of this.

bleh, never mind back to sleep haha.
-Casey

------
She falls softly down from towering pedastools...


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Comments

The following comments are for "Defintion of Cacaphony"
by shefallssoftly

Casey all blogged up.
I noticed that you didn't ask for advice. OK. But this was funny in a rantish sort of way.

1. Plot is overrated. Repeat after me, plot is overrated. Big O. little r. Write the things that come into your head first. Then your heart. You can reconcile them later on. Try streaming.(Stream of conciousness writing) It won't hurt you.

2.You are young.

3.Puppy love?

4.Imagine yourself at 350lbs. and one-legged.

5,There is nothing in the morning like watching the ducks shake off the water and dive back in.

6. Never mind.

williamhill

( Posted by: williamhill [Member] On: March 24, 2005 )

williamhill
Regardless of advice, my life always seems to sort itself out somehow. Thanks for the helpful words, I'm sure it will all turn out okay. Just got to give it time, and vent often enough.
-Casey

( Posted by: shefallssoftly [Member] On: March 24, 2005 )





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