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2KateLouise

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Your sapphired vision,
carved me into what I really wasn't.
A disheveled dispostion is sheltered within:
sheltered within your being,
your fiber.
Well...
I learned,
I crashed,
I burned.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Your Eyes of My Future"
by ryangilr0y

Some good things in here
I loved your first line:

Your sapphired vision,
carved me into what I really wasn't.

This is awesome - and a great springboard for a piece!

I think punctuation might help this piece. I think, something like this - to get the pauses to fall into place:

Your sapphired vision
carved me
Into what I really wasn't;
A disheveled disposition (sp)
Is sheltered within -
sheltered within your being,
your fiber.
Well...
I learned,
I crashed,
I burned.

I think you have a lot to work with here. I look forward to reading more of what you have for us.

Felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: March 20, 2005 )





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