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I wake from my slumber and look around in a daze
As the fog in my mind starts to clear
I notice I am not alone; I see long black hair drifting in my face
As the wind drifts through my window;
Teasing me with her sweet fragrance
As the spring sun starts to warm my body,
As i stare into the sky the clouds souround me with tranquility;
I start to feel content and happy
I realize I have something everyone wants and fears,
I am not alone

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The following comments are for "As I Wake"
by poetfreak

L3: 'threw' should be 'through'

'taste of the smell' seems akward. How about something like:

'As the wind drifts through my window;
Teasing me with her sweet fragrance'

'I sink into a pit of tranquility' Sinking into a pit seems like a bad thing. Instead of a pit, what if you used something in the same realm as the sun and the breeze that are already players in your poem. Clouds. Drifting away, etc...

I thing 'some thing' and 'every one' should be combined into compound words: 'something' and 'everyone.'

I seem to recall you found this type of comment helpful poetfreak. Let me know if I step over the line in my efforts to be helpful. This poem is sweet. -Philo

( Posted by: Philo [Member] On: March 16, 2005 )

Thanks Again
Don’t worry about stepping over the line I am not worried about it. I don’t get much criticism and I like the help. So any time you have input don’t be afraid to share.


( Posted by: poetfreak [Member] On: March 16, 2005 )

How dare you... big fat meanie pants!
I never liked you and you went and did something stupid like that......

yeah thats right you know what you did.

i dont know how you manage to live with yourself

P.s. this is from stephanie.
yes stephanie.

( Posted by: polkadottedpenguins [Member] On: February 28, 2006 )

Comments on writing only please.

( Posted by: poetfreak [Member] On: March 5, 2006 )

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