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8Teflon

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distance
that lost gaze
between our eyes
yours a blank stare
mine filled with tears.

closeness
never to come again
the touch is lost
your are so distant
i am so lost.

------
*laura*


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Comments

The following comments are for "Loss of Feelings"
by englishgal16

Laura - Good Impact
I liked the content and slow stirring of this heavy poem.

I won't comment about how punctuation could possibly help the reader (it felt like a poem that needed a lot of slow pauses in the right places) because this is not my area of expertise. I was able to read it the way you intended - I think.

Thanks for posting this piece.

Felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: March 19, 2005 )

Loss of Twist
I think the curtness is innocence here, albeit somewhat unexplored, and thus remains a bit vague.

Stare - tears, distant - lost

These are great conceptual juxtapositions, but they seem to me as if they could be more Laura-special, they could shed a single word that would give it a troubling twist, set it apart from the host of the breaking-up poetry.

Or say it in a third stanza with a good twist.

Flow Teflo.

( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: March 20, 2005 )

thank you
thank you very much for you comment, and i think i might just take your suggestions

( Posted by: englishgal16 [Member] On: March 20, 2005 )





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