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I wish I could take it, take it all away

You pain your frustration, your ache
Take it far, far, far away

I wish I could turn that scowl to a grin;
And the darkness of your mood into the warmth of your smile

At a glance I see tattered hair and a mean face;
I look harder, I see frustration and goodness.

Wanting an escape an escape from the prison with no bars or walls.

I wish I could take it take it all away and leave;

Leave one thing…Your happiness



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The following comments are for "I wish..."
by poetfreak

Good wishes
'Ache' is spelled wrong

In line 6, you've switched from first person 'I wish I could...' to second person:

'At a glance you see tattered hair and a mean face;
You look harder you see frustration and goodness;'

Then you switch back at the end. This is confusing. If you stay with first person, then there are only two points of view: yours, and the person you're writing about. In the two lines I've quoted, who is 'you?' Could be anyone. Its a hypothetical observer. Check out the difference:

'At a glance I see tattered hair and a mean face;
I look harder. I see frustration and goodness;'

Now you own these feelings; these observations are yours and are more powerful.

I remember having feelings like this when I was young and in love. When I feel like this now its usually for my children. Its a nice sentiment to write about and speaks volumes about the helplessness one feels when someone we love is hurting.

I'd take another look at capitalization and punctuation and shine this one up a bit. Its got some legs. -Philo

PS: Saavy of you to come look me up, I'm glad you did.


( Posted by: Philo [Member] On: March 15, 2005 )

Thanks
Thank you for the help. I always have troble with grammer and spelling, I appreciate the tips.
poetfreak

( Posted by: poetfreak [Member] On: March 16, 2005 )





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