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Peach blossoms
bleeding at every centre
not blown by the wind
but plucked by you.

"I love her - I love her not"
manipulated into patterns
of abandonment on the
rude green of the spring grass.

Each petal laying
like little torn breasts
on the dew cold blades.
When was September so cruel?

The diamond sparkle of dew
- so cold, so disappointing.
Such an ugly spring - without you
maybe summer will be sweeter.

Not the poem which we have read, but that to which we return, with the greatest pleasure, possesses the power and claims the name of essential poetry.

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The following comments are for "Come Summer"
by Huni

Lonesome Spring
Is it spring already where you are? I've still got snow in my yard.

There's an interesting contrast here of pretty things being described by one who doesn't want them to be beautiful. Who doesn't want to see the beauty in the early coming of spring because of a personal loss.

This is touching and sweet in a meloncholy way. -Philo

( Posted by: Philo [Member] On: March 15, 2005 )

April is the cruelest month
This is gorgeous, and broke my heart tonight.

Thanks. It needed breaking.

No criticism.

"I love her - I love her not."
Very, very nice.

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: March 16, 2005 )

I agree yet ..
disagree I find the subtle nature and the nice calming feeling from it, and yet the calming nature makes me a bit uneasy but then again, I dont know much to say..

( Posted by: ryangilr0y [Member] On: March 16, 2005 )

very touching and poignant in an elusive sort of way.

I really enjoyed this.

( Posted by: marigold [Member] On: March 16, 2005 )

All but One
Huni ~ I think every line of this poem is brilliant and wrenching, except for the last. It may be a small thing, but I like the way this reads without "maybe summer will be sweeter". That last line feels to me like a temperance -- as though you didn't want your poem to be too sharp. I, for one, prefer it with a bit of zing, no chaser.

Aside from that, you should be proud. This is imminently publishable work.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 17, 2005 )

Huni - It's perfect
I agree with Haz "I think every line of this poem is brilliant and wrenching"

But the rest... I can't agree with. I love the hope of the last line. It's the desperation of the moment, and the complete pain of it that necessitates the last line. Without the hope that it will fade and life will go on, why whould you bother?

This is a brilliant work, my friend. Kudos!


( Posted by: FeliciaStone [Member] On: March 17, 2005 )

Very soft and sweet, Huni. I liked the succintness of the lines too. I agree with Felcia that for the overall tone here, it's nice to end with a hopeful feather touch rather than a razor edge. Hazelfaern's comments are definately worth considering though.
cheers smithy

( Posted by: Smithy [Member] On: March 18, 2005 )

Philo,Andy,Ryan et al. for summer
Philo, you got it exactly. Some one pointed that out o me in my other work. It seems to pop up a lot. thanks so much for your comment. It's just coming on autumn here with occasional day of very hot temps. huni.

Andy, How's that big heart of yours? Not too broken I hope. Any crits for my stuff? Glad you enjoyed this and thanks, that was the loveliest comment. huni.

Ryan, you do know much to say. Picking up the unease was smart reading of my poem. Thank-you for that. regards huni.

Thanks marigold, I've been reading and enjoying your work as well. Elusive? that's the element that I enjoy in your work too. warm regards huni.

Hazel, that you read this honours me - that you like it pleases me. Thank you. My last line was meant to be ambivalent. Each reader could read it from their own bias and get their own sense of ti. Either stopping and pausing after 'with out you', leaving a softer impression, with hope in the last line - or reading straight through and catching the sting in the ending. Do you think that needs a change? Publishable?! I dream! regards huni.

Felicia, Thanks for such great comments. Its certainly good having you around here Felecia. Hope to catch up on more of your poems soon. I have decided to put aside some time to read and comment even if it's not perfectly done, it's better done at least. warm regards huni.

Smithy! long time! thanks friend. Soft and sweet I like, hope you got a bit of edge tho'. regards, huni.

( Posted by: Huni [Member] On: March 18, 2005 )

that's it
yeah, to be heartbroken by the sight of something that's supposed to make you happy. I feel that too when I go back to beautiful places where some of my heartbreaks occured. Ironic. But that's it, they give you more pain especially when they're (the places or season) too beautiful and warm and glorious and yet the memories are not.

I've seen this poem even in the forums and I couldn't stop reading it again and again.

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: March 18, 2005 )

Ahh! Peter
You know it too! I have PM'ed you. Thanks for stopping by and reading my friend. h.

( Posted by: Huni [Member] On: March 18, 2005 )

peach blossoms
Yes, Huni. How are you mate? I did get some of the edge. I think the peach blossoms to start with though were the image that stayed with me throughout and after. That's why I like the softer beginning and end. Enchanting in the use of symbols and contrast of soft frail beauty and harsh environemt. Well thought out and good succinct evocative lines. In also trying to be succinct I failed to communicate fully my appreciation so I have endeavoured to rectify that here. ;)
cheers smithy

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: March 20, 2005 )

Huni - Still love it
I came back to read this again.



( Posted by: FeliciaStone [Member] On: April 14, 2005 )

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