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today
the fairy tales begins
with "once beyond the time"
today
Amelie wear pink slippers
and “hot couture”
(by Givenchy)
she got one nickel
she dances
between Caron
and Fontana di Trevi

i bet on a second
all for a second
she whisper

(tristesse oblige
n'est-ce pas?)



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The following comments are for "Amelie's choice"
by inmost

A Poem Like A Postcard

inmost ~ What a whimsical, succinct poem. It reads like a postcard from a captivating individual -- it intrigues with just a few lines, leaving me feeling thoughtful and amused and then, curious about what hasn't been said.

I do have a few quibbles. You should have an s in "Amelie wear(s) pink slippers" and another in "she whispers".

I'm uncertain about the line "She got one nickel". Really? Where did she get it from? Why only one nickel? Was it a tip for being fresh and adorable? Did she borrow it from a stranger? Should the line read "She's got one nickel" implying a contrast between her couture and her paltry sum of money to spend? I think this could be worked out to make the line more clear.

Otherwise a delightful and engaging read. Allow me to say "Merci beaucoup" for that.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 6, 2005 )

hazelfaern
You're right with those "s"... I know my english is awful. Concerning the line "she got one nickel" (oh...I don't like to explain my lines...but I'm going to do that:) )... well... I have no idea where did she get it...maybe you're right , a stranger gave it to her "once beyond the time". For sure is one single nickel. I prefer to leave the line as it is...unclear. Otherwise, what you would ask me or what would you ask yourself?!

Thanks

Eugenia

( Posted by: inmost [Member] On: March 6, 2005 )

Eugenia's Choice

I think you're absolutely right, Eugenia, that as the author you have every right to leave your lines as you prefer them and perhaps, even, that they shouldn't be over-thought or explained.

On the other hand, I think that the most important question a writer should ask of themselves, when examining their work is "How does this line contribute to the sense of the whole? How does this or that thought expound on the core themes or ideas which I'm presenting to my readers?"

I like the notion that Amelie's only got one nickel (a slightly different notion than the idea that she's recieved one -- which is what your line currently seems to imply) because I think it underscores the bohemian whimsy of this girl traipsing down a street on a beautiful day with the whole world layed out and open with possibilites, before her. What will she do with her nickel? Will she throw it in the fountain? Will she bestow it upon a street urchin?

I don't think it's terrible to goad your readers into asking themselves these kinds of questions. I think it just means you've written something interesting.

Now I feel a little silly because my comments have grown three times larger than the work upon which they're remarking. I hope you understand my interest as the compliment it's intended to be -- I really do like this poem no matter how Amelie dances around the presence or lack of s's.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 6, 2005 )

hazelfaern again
i'm so honoured by your interest. It seems you got the point about my lines. And...you know? the nickle does exist in reality:)

warm regards,
Eugenia

P.S. Did you see the Jean-Pierre Jeunet's movie "Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain"?

( Posted by: inmost [Member] On: March 6, 2005 )

Yes I Did
And it was fabulous

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 6, 2005 )





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