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Chapter 1
It was about one thirty in the afternoon and Jason couldn’t wait for class to end. It was a sunny day out and he could clearly see it through the window of his portable. He wished he could just be outside enjoying the fresh air and not kept in this smelly portable listening to his teacher ramble on about things he most likely would never put to use in his life anyway. He already had a job as an armature skateboarder and was well on his way to being pro, yet here he was in school not able to skate or even look at his magazines in his knapsack that had already nearly got taken away by the teacher. He looked at the girl across from him. Her name was Jewel, she was his age and was one of the hottest girls he knew. She had red hair and the nicest smile. She was like an angel to him. She was going out with some big jock that was very popular. Jason knew he never stood a chance with Jewel, but he still kept his hopes up. She occasionally glanced at him which mad him blush like mad but she just liked to tease him. This was the only bad thing about her that Jason could find other than the fact she wasn’t single.
As the minutes went by he imagined how great his life would be if he was going out with her. He knew it would make him way more popular but he didn’t care much for that, but it would be cool. As the bell rang he picked up his backpack and ran to the door just as he heard the words “Jason, could I see you for a minute”. he thought to himself “oh man, what now”. “Jason your work hasn’t been what it normally is lately”. commented the teacher. “yeah I know. I’ve had a lot on my mind that has been affecting my work” replied Jason. “I know your dad died but that was almost a year ago”. replied the teacher. “no no its not that. Its just I’m really stressed out and have so much work always to do”. “well try and do better ok” replied the teacher. “I will, oh I got to go, bye”.
Jason ran down the portable steps and out into the sunshine. He looked up and saw birds flying high above the surface of the ground. There were a few clouds out but nothing imposing on the suns brilliance. Jay darted inside the school toward his locker when suddenly he bumped into someone. They both fell to the ground. “oh sorry” said the stranger. “no it was my fault. I wasn’t looking were I was going”. replied Jason. They both looked up and met eyes. That moment seemed to last forever as Jay looked deep into the eyes of a girl of even more beauty than that of Jewel. She had jet black hair and the bluest eyes he ever saw. He looked away quickly as he felt his cheeks start to blush. She did the same. “what’s your name”? asked the stranger. “Jason, yours”? he replied. “Erin”. she replied. They both got up and started walking down the halls with seemingly no place to go. They introduced each other more and started talking about how weird it was how they met. They totally lost track of time because before they knew it everyone was gone. They ran outside only to see their buses were gone. The calmly walked inside an Erin called her mom to come pick them up. As the two waited they talked some more until they looked at each other and started getting closer and closer to each other. They both were entranced by the others glare until finally they kissed. Again to Jay this moment seemed to last forever. He wasn’t the best with girls and for all this to happen so fast nearly made him pass out. He calmly kept his composure and remained lip locked with Erin. After a few minutes they broke their embrace and looked at each other. They both had the look of love in their eyes. A few moments later Erin’s mom showed up and they got in the 1996 Honda civic. They sat in the back and Erin’s mom asked a bunch of questions about who Erin’s new friend was. Jason and Erin glanced at each other and then giggled. Erin’s mom who’s name was Judith looked at them and grinned. “Your new boyfriend eh” said Judith.” yes he is. His name is Jason” said Erin. “nice to meet you Jason” said Judith. “same to you” replied Jason.
They finally reached Jason’s house and as he was getting out of the car Erin slipped him a piece of paper with her phone number on it. Jay was overjoyed to get this. He had never gotten a girls phone number before. Jason said goodbye to them, ran inside, thru his knapsack on the couch and ran up to his room to see if he could see them drive away from his window. He was fast enough only to catch a glimpse of Erin’s shiny hair as she got into the front seat and drove away. Jay collapsed onto his bed filled with the satisfactory feeling of knowing he finally had a girlfriend, a companion and a person to talk to. He flipped on his stomach and reached over to his c.d. player and put it on. He had the newest System Of A Down c.d. in and decided that he would listen to that and write a poem for Erin. He wasn’t even sure if she liked poems but he was going to give it a shot. After about an hour of writing he was finally happy with the results of his patience. He had written one of the most emotionally moving poems he had ever written. He decided to call Erin and see if she wanted to do something. He looked at the crumpled piece of paper in his pocket and pick up his portable phone that his mom bought him for his birthday. He punched in the numbers and let it ring. After about three rings a young woman answered the phone. He asked if Erin was there and to his delight she was. They talked for about fifteen minutes before Jay got the courage to ask her if she wanted to hang with him. Again to his delight she accepted his offer and they made arrangements to meet at the store just down the road from his house. Jay was blushing like crazy when he got off the phone with Erin.
Jay ran to the bathroom and had a shower. After he got out he dried off and got dressed in a long sleeve shirt with a t-shirt on top. He wore his best jeans and his necklace with a pendant on it called a triskalen. This pendant stood for optimism and progress so he felt it was appropriate for his date. He sprayed on some of his cologne and made sure he was acceptable looking for a date. He ran down the hall, grabbed his board and ran out the door. The spring air was clear and warm. The sky was blue and cloudless, there was nothing in his way to ruin his date with Erin. As he skated to the store he pulled a few tricks and got used to the feel of his new board. He arrived at the store and sat down on the curb and waited for Erin. He was about 15 minutes early but to him he would rather be early than late. But after 20 minutes she didn’t show up and he started to get worried.

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The following comments are for "not even close"
by simon

Shows potential
Being sort of an old, married guy, I sometimes forget how exciting new relationships can be. But this little piece was able to send me back in time, at least a little bit, and I thank you for the ride.

You do alot of things well and somethings you could use a little work on. First, you write very descriptively, which helps to fill your characters out. Sometimes though you keep in some events that drag your story a little. I think the whole last paragraph could be condensed and it would be alot more meaningful.

Also, when ever a new person speaks, you should start a new paragraph. It's minor but it improves the readibility of the story. When writing quotes, the first words are capitalized. Again, this is minor but it stands out like a sore thumb.

Lastly, I hope these comments don't offend you. I'm merely trying to be helpful. I think you show potential and your characters are believable. You just need to tweak a couple of things, and edit a little more, and your will be fine.


( Posted by: Richard Dani [Member] On: June 8, 2002 )

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