Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
0.00

(0 votes)

You must login to vote



It was an interesting thing, this feeling of curiosity she had as she watched the couple across the street. Something about the elegance of their dress, or more importantly, the elegance of their mannerisms caught her attention and refused to let her loose. Marian watched as the couple, smiling and conversing, glided into their limo and were whisked away to, no doubt, some fabulous gala where one dinner was easily five hundred dollars a person. After a long minute, Marian realized that her mouth was open and that she must look a little creepy. Luckily, her window was at an angle that the glare from the setting sun prevented passers by from seeing her. She returned her attention to the task at hand, folding laundry, hardly glamorous.


It was about two loads of laundry, folded and put away, and a late night grocery store trip later that the glamorous couple from across the street returned from their sensational gala. Marian was eating easy mac and watching Crossing Jordan when she heard the limo doors closing and the song-like laughter of the elegant wife. She quickly took her place at the window seat and watched as the couple, looking as pristine as they left, glided up the stairs to the door of their townhouse and disappeared inside. She let out an audible sigh of jeousy as she watched the lights of their home light. Their shadows danced together for a little while, still hearing the music from their exciting night out, until it was time for bed and the lights extinguished themselves. Marian washed her dishes and let out another sigh of envy as she went about her nightly routine.


Morning coffee and a blueberry muffin at Starbucks greeted Marian with a pleasant sighting as the elegant couple stopped in for a Sunday morning cappuccino. Even without their tuxedos and gowns, the two of them stood out in the crowded coffee shop, looking untouchable. She was too entranced by them to consider introducing herself, though later she kicked herself for not thinking of it. Even later than that, she sat on the subway dreaming of what it would be like to spend an evening doing the wonderful things that the elegant couple must do.


She would of course have an elegant gown, much like the elegant wife’s, and maybe she would even get a manicure, and a fancy hairstyle. A handsome man in a tuxedo would come to pick her up in his limo and they would drink champagne on the way to the opera. Of course, they would arrive early so that they could mingle with their other elegant friends and maybe even participate in a silent auction for charity. During intermission, they would get wine and meet up with old friends from the country club. Everyone would be 30 something and extremely successful, but only the men would talk business while the ladies exchanged gossip and phone numbers for good manicurists. After the show they would jet off to a five-star restaurant where the manager will already be waiting for them and call out their names as they enter. The chef would have a special menu for the night dreamed up just for them and would send out a bottle of champagne on the house. And after talking with the owner for a while and thanking the chef, they would glide into their limo and float home chatting about who they saw and how good the show was.


Marian let an audible sigh again escape her lips as she exited the subway and walked to the park where she sat under her favorite tree and painted pictures of what could be.


It was an interesting thing, the love he had for her, though she never knew he existed. Alex had been coming to the park every Sunday to wait for her for over a month now. She was so elegant, the way her hand manipulated the brush as she painted pictures of her dreams for the world to see. Ever since the first time he saw her, as she took a seat under his favorite tree, she caught his heart and refused to let it loose.


------
"I like to think that the whole world is my friend"



Comments

The following comments are for "The Elegant Couple"
by supergranny

Marian
"After a long minute, Marian realized that her mouth was open and that she must look a little creepy." Hilarious! The following sentence is a little awkward, though. You could rewrite it as, "Luckily, the angle of her window resulted in a glare from the setting sun, preventing passers by from seeing her". Or you could cut it without harming the story.

There are a few mistakes of grammar, spelling, and capitalization that could use some fixin', but nothing major. The problem that might interfere most with enjoyment of the story is the lack of indents at the beginning or your paragraphs and/or spaces between each paragraph. Doing one or both would make the story much easier to read.

A mixed bag. I find the protagonist interesting, ad I like her day-dreamy ways. But the story seems to lack a focus - -particularly important in falsh fiction. I see tremendous potential in here with a solid rewrite and a clarification of what the story's supposed to be doing or saying, what its point is. I hope you'll consider it!

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: February 11, 2005 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: