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I need to write this down. I have to ask some questions, even though you canít give me answers. I wish someone could. Iím so confused. Is it normal to be so confused all the time? I know teenagers are supposed to be trying to find themselves, but by 16, arenít they supposed to have some idea? Arenít they supposed to have things that make them happy? Why donít I?? Music works sometimes, but other times it makes me more depressed. And arenít Teens supposed to have people they can talk to? Like friends?? I can talk to Maria, sometimes. Her and I are just so different. I donít understand how we can be such great friends. I canít talk to her about everything. She doesnít know that I have ever considered killing myself. She doesnít know that Iíve held the knife to my wrist before. No one knows that but Brandy. How come I could tell Brandy but not Maria?? And how come I havenít just slit my wrists already or took a bottle of pills?? I guess cause Iím afraid. I donít want to leave my family and my few close friends without someone to talk to. Isnít that all I am to them??? I get so mixed up sometimes. I want everyone to know that Iím going insane, yet I donít. Iím afraid it will hurt them too much. I want to break down in tears, but I just pretend like everything is okay and even when I want to be depressed, I canít help but to fake that smile. Itís like a bad habit that you canít shake. I know Iím not normal. I know Iím slowly losing my mind. I can feel it, but no one else can. Why not??? Why donít they understand that I hate myself so much and I know itís wrong to hate yourself so much, so I end up hating myself even more. When Sarah told me she was going to kill herself last year, I asked how she could even consider the fact. I told her that it was wrong and that there were other ways out of her problems. Then I asked myself if I was trying to convince her or if I was trying to convince myself. Then I was happy that Sarah had come out with it. And now I see her try to make herself better. Wait a minute; I know that doesnít work. I know it doesnít work because Iíve tried it. Since Jr. High, Iíve tried to convince myself that Iím pretty and people like me. Then I laugh at myself because I know I donít believe it. I always ask myself why no guy has ever liked me and the only thing I can think of is the fact to Iím an ugly loser. What am I supposed to do? I know I should tell someone about how I feel, but then I have to go through a shrink and that would just my parents more money. Iím afraid that one day Iím going to explode. One day that knife will go threw my skin and Then everyone will soon see how crazy I am. Then theyíll take me to a shrink and then theyíll found out about the voices I hear and I awful condition Iím in. Then they will always be wry around me and not only that, but they will be disappointed. Iíll end up alone, and thatís the last thing I want. Or is it? Thatís the only thing that holds me back from pushing that knife into me skin and from drinking that bottle of cough meds, isnít it? I wish I knew. I wish I knew what was wrong with me so I could fix it and I could make my family really proud. I donít think Iíll ever make my family proud, though. To make them proud, donít I have to be good at something? Well, Iím not good at any thing. Nada. Nothing. Not a thing.


{Writer's note: This is FICTIONAL! It is an extreme on feelings I felt. I just wanted to make that clear so no one worries about me. ¶ř)



Comments

The following comments are for "Why?"
by Kimmysings17

the feelings
that fake letter above is exactly how i feel, when i read it, i was like WOW!, some1 out there feels the same way i do, some1 out there does stupid things i do, like slit my wrists.i still have'nt told my parent's and i need some1 2 talk to.

( Posted by: ilovejeremy [Member] On: December 31, 2005 )





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