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Cooking CHRISTIAN'S

After reading press release, from planners of proposed nationwide fast-food chain, CHRISTIAN'S, I decided to investigate and review. I was told they will be building their "eateries" near Women's Health Services and Family Planning Clinics, further conflicting some unfortunate women, in my opinion. (I give only 1 star for location)*

I didn't find their test menu to my taste, but many may. All entrees will include "Fresh flesh, CHRISTIAN'S style," prepared "Anyway you LOVE it." Fried, baked, broiled, sliced or diced, featuring house specials, like "Liver and onions, CHRISTIAN'S style." I couldn't stomach liver and onions as a child. Now I'm supposed to stomach a child's liver? I won't be ordering that special. Another house delight is "Sweet and spicy toddler toes..Tangy toes in our succulant marinade." That sounds too ethnic. (I rate the menu 1.5 stars)*

The slogans being tested won't get my vegetarian girlfriend to bite, but they are catchy..."You bring 'um, we'll sling 'um!".."If you like meat, you'll LOVE us!"..And my favorite: "Brains, we got 'um!" (Slogans get 3 stars)*

There could be some confusion when ordering. Example: "Would you care for white or dark leg?" This will be confusing for some, especially in the South. Example 2: "Breast in Broth, CHRISTIAN'S style- small cup or BIG BOWL." This choice will confuse all men and some women, as well. (I was assured this item would not appear on "Under 16 Menu"). Servers will also be trained to suggest a side of "Freedom fried fingers, CHRISTIAN'S style." How will any true American patriot be able to resist? (No rating, as yet, for service)*

I was next shown plans for dining areas. I think there may be a problem with proposed flashing neon signs, visable above each booth: "Before taking first bite, don't forget to thank God." I feel these will be pilfered, due to mass appeal. (No rating at this time for ambience)*

Finally, I was able to reach a nice couple, minor investers, who agreed to an interview, with promise of anonymity. The Reverend's Richard and Allen White admitted their proposal is not a modest one, saying it will be a "colossal undertaking." Claiming their "Fresh flesh, CHRISTIAN'S stlye" will make even veal lovers "salivate," the White's seemed a bit boastful. Afterall, they haven't opened a single "eatery"...

The concept does seem viable. Now it's up to the American buying public. Will we once again, not be underestimated? (Rumours other fast-food chains are testing in labs, to counter this new concept, have already been reported).

CHRISTIAN'S Eateries, coming soon to a neighborhood in your city.

*Rating of 1 to 4 stars does not reflect opinion of this paper and/or website. Opinions expressed are solely those of this reporter.


Robert William
2/05/05

------
below the subliminal
deep within manipulation
that's where tr^th resides

2 Dec 2011































Comments

The following comments are for "Cooking Christian's"
by Bobby7L

Your review
What? No "deep fried rocky mountain oysters" on their menu? (Christian style ... of course)

( Posted by: Gramma [Member] On: February 8, 2005 )

Gramma's "Cooking" recipe
Gramma, Of course, this "review" has nothing to do with "cooking," google ads for "cooking recipes" at bottom not withstanding. Those being there related to this piece, is as ludicrous as the "White's proposal." The absurdity of the reporter not being appalled by actual items on "menu," only feeling they may be "too ethnic," represents society looking away.

In this country, every minute of every day, 365 days a year, countless millions of children are exploited, neglected, undernourished, underclothed, mentally abused and physically assaulted. In Atlanta, Baltimore, Chicago, Detroit..I could go through alphabet. We can't just blame parents, many not worthy to walk streets free, let alone raise children.

If we, as a country, can go to far reaches of this planet, to save children from "despot regimes," we surely should be able to save and protect our own children. There are dogs and cats treated better than millions of children in the United States. Tonight. Right now.

The Government (that's us) must do more. The "Church" must do more. The "press" must do more, to bring about change. We must do more.


Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: February 8, 2005 )

Demeter's "cooking"...
Thanks for commenting. Satire has been with us for many centuries. Comes in handy sometimes.


RW

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: February 10, 2005 )

No "Modest Proposal"
Jorge, Thanks...This will be "gone" soon, so I may as well thank Swift (who I pay homage to, with the White's saying their "proposal" is not "a modest" one.), for introducing me to satire back in high school Lit. class. (A Modest Proposal-1729). "Feeding," along with general plight of poor and unwanted children, still plagues "society." (276 years later)..

Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: February 13, 2005 )

Cooking Christians
Bobby, very thought provoking piece. Even in the humor the pain is very real. It is truly a tragedy the way children are treated.

Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Member] On: March 9, 2005 )

Renae: Thank You
Nae, I appreciate your taking time and reading this piece. Not sure if I'll keep posts here or not. I'm sorry if it was uncomfortable this evening. I had to say tough things and I know it could not have been pleasant. Pen made valid points. If only I felt that would help bring positive results, but I don't. Thank you again for your kind words and efforts.

Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: March 10, 2005 )

What the?
I would like to read this article. I hope it's not another case of loony Christians making us all look like freaks, I must be missing something. Hmmmm..

Thanks for the post!

Felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: March 10, 2005 )

Felicia: Cooking Cryptic
Felicia: Thanks for reading and letting me know. My reply to Nae was partially related to another matter. Sorry for the confusion.

Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: March 10, 2005 )

Christian Cooking
This was a brilliant satire. Very thought provoking and extremely well-written.
Elle

( Posted by: Eleanor [Member] On: March 10, 2005 )

Eleanor: Cooking
Elle, Thank you for reading and kind words. This piece went away, but has made a return, it would seem. I've been over at Wf, but have now deleted my posts there. May return to posting here.

Thanks again,
Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: March 10, 2005 )

food for deep(fried) thought
Tragedy served with a smile- I'm lovin' it!

Interesting that your devout devouring couple is two men...?

How about "Chili con Carnage"?
s

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: March 12, 2005 )

drsoos on cooking
drsoos: Appreciate your reading and letting me know. Yeah, the good "Reverends,".."Rich" and "ALL".."White"..A "Nice couple" of "minor investers."..A few scenarios open for interpretation.

Thanks again,
B

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: March 12, 2005 )

Swift...
But is it such a modest proposal? Well written, very convincing. I think I've eaten there before...

Andy

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: April 16, 2005 )

SD: I like the TGI Fridays...
...banner at bottom...Had to put homage to J. S. in there. Read in high school...thanks for reading and letting me know..

dateline: planet E3.1..CaliXXG

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: April 16, 2005 )

Good eats
Indeed, I'd love to have a thorough look at the menu! A delightfully Swiftian restaurant review. As you may know from one of my earlier posts, I have a deep, abiding love of Swift -- and you carry that torch admirably.

Read this way back when, but must have forgotten to comment on it.

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: April 17, 2005 )

Onward CHRISTIAN'S
Viper: Much appreciated. I'll have to go find that. Been here since mid-Dec. Took a bit of time to acclimate, but am now starting to get this place.

Glad ya didn't choke.
Bobby

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: April 17, 2005 )

Bobby... of cultural dismemberment
I found the story frighteningly plausible. Speaks to me of a number of things: cultural divisions, dismemberment (both physical and metaphysical), selective attention, undernourishment, obliviousness... Written with panache, which makes the pain even more real. Thoroughly enjoyed.

Best,
Ariana

( Posted by: Ariana [Member] On: October 9, 2008 )

Ariana..Who's for dinner?
Ariana-
As current worldwide economic crisis deepens, even more children are at risk of neglect, exploitation and starvation.

Much thanks,
Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: October 10, 2008 )

christain
satire at its finest! i give it 10 stars!
love this robert

( Posted by: cmsmuse [Member] On: November 24, 2010 )

of Cooking CHRISTIAN'S
Tina,
Thanks..I recall reading Swift's, "A Modest Proposal", in high school. Inspiration comes in varied forms.

Btw, I'll be enjoying a vegetarian Thanksgiving.

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: November 24, 2010 )

of CHRISTIAN'S reviewed
This would not go in the "Christian" category.

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: December 28, 2010 )





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