Peanut Rap
by williamhill (Member) - published: February 7, 2005
Word Count: 240 Word Bytes: 1570 Viewed: 2735 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by williamhill

8.21

(28 votes)

Rating	Rated by

10	babygirl8807

8	Bartleby

5	bensad

8	Bobby7L

7	brad

7	Cynical_Scribe

9	Demeter

9	DieBaronHobskew..

10	englishtabloids

10	Georgie

6	gomarsoap

10	hazelfaern

9	Huni

7	Ilan Bouchard

9	JEANNIE45

8	Jeff

8	Jessicanm

10	nae411

10	NeurotickupkakE

7	Nitz Kitty

9	Penelope

9	poesandpoetry

8	TamiJane

9	Teflon

4	Thea Veol

5	Untitled

9	Viper9

10	windchime

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The topic for this Write Off is: M&M's

Oops, I lost my levity,
My battle with the gravity,
The cavity caused by M&Ms.
It’s in my head and I fed it the suga’ baby and maybe
I looked away, the wrong way
And it struck me
Shucked me
Shook me to the bone,
I’m not alone baby.
I’m keepin’ time in my mind
Two steppin’ rappin’ dimes.

Oops, I lost my brevity
My ability to tell it straight
To hell, oh well.
They want to own me, bone me,
Pump me up, those M&Ms.
I can’t stop shakin’, takin’, makin’
Reasons to eat ‘em.
My head aches, breaks, fakes
Me out, I gotta’ shout down
The pain.
I broke it, coked it
Sloshed it, washed it,

Oops I lost my sanity,
My vanity,
I’m ready to gravitate,
Gonna’ elevate, pay the rate
To pull it, yank it, jerk it out.
It radiates like a bomb makes
Explodin’, erodin’ my head.

Oh my, there it goes again,
Get the aspirin, no, the vicodin,
Oh no, the doctor’s out, don’t pout,
Get a gun for fun, shoot it out,
Just shoot it out.
It ain’t no joke, poke it, soak it,
Load it up. (those damn M&Ms) cock
It, lock it, blow it out.
It’s Saturday, ain’t no way the
Doc will rock me, soothe me,
Smooth it out, put me out,
I gotta’ go,
Those damn M&Ms, that damned M&M.

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Comments

The following comments are for "Peanut Rap"
by williamhill

williamhill write-off
You win, for no other reason than what I said in my comment to Andy. This is alive, and it doesn't let go. Great entry!

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: February 7, 2005 )

M&M's peanut
Although your piece has great rhythm and I can dance to it, I had to rate your competitor higher.

What a tough subject. This is why I couldn't participate in a Write Off. If told the subject is M&M's AND I had to rhyme, jeezus, I'd feak out then and there.

Hats off for a valiant effort.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: February 7, 2005 )

m&m
I'm not sure I liked this, unfortunately. Rap often comes down to presentation, and reading someone else's lyrics makes it difficult to find the stress you'd put on certain words, the beat and such, and thus Andy receives the higher score. This was a do or die situation for you; it's near impossible to make it easy to truly convey verbal feeling on paper.
But on paper, it's still fun. M&Ms always are.

( Posted by: Ilan Bouchard [Member] On: February 7, 2005 )

rap't your
I'm lazy enough to coattail Ilan on this (so I will), and say that your poem lends itself to an oral/aural presentation, and loses something when it relies on the reader to verbalize it. It just seems a little random as well, as if you decided to put the ingredients in the pot and see the dish turned out. I like your other "stuff" better. But as I said to A.H. -- what did you guys do to deserve this topic? Bleh (to the topic).
Regards, Brad

( Posted by: brad [Member] On: February 7, 2005 )

avatar
Sorry, Demeter. I can't shrink my head small enough to pixillate it into an avatar. *sigh* I was trying to get a mule's head on, but the mule objected. I am losing all the way around. I'll figure something out one of these days, right now, I'm channeling Einstein. I'll get back to ya.

williamhill

( Posted by: williamhill [Member] On: February 7, 2005 )

Thought experiments...
I'm anticipating release of CD..Have to agree with Brad, on "topics".."Soap" and now M&M's..What's next?...Bubblegum?..

Will "Big-Gansta Thrill" Hill: I admire the original attempt here, given Middle School topic.

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: February 7, 2005 )

No bad topics. Only bad poets.
Back before they closed the pool hall 'cause a some trumped up, bull-shit fire-code nonsense, there we'd be, all sittin' around the piano. Me and the other stumblebums would perk up once't'in' awhile when some young pup come in off the street and put leather to wood in a passable paddle roll. Well, old Mill he'd usally be first on deck, as his rheumatiz weren't as bad as mine or Heck Chambers' or Biff Walton's or Lefty's or Scratch McCann's. And Mill would launch with a Susy-Q or a shim-sham and the kid would back-at-him with a couple bombershays and pretty soon Plunkett would be hammerin' somethin' out on the old upright in the corner and that'd get the attention of the bar out front where Jumpin' Jack would finally perk up his one good ear and holler, "Challonge! Challonge!" in that old, N'Awlins croak a his. That's what that was all about. A bunch of old bastards sittin' around the back'a the hall just havin' at it, and hope I don't fall on my ass tryin' one last maxie-ford-trench combo with a drag-drop. Shit.

* * * * *

I'm flattered that Jess thought enough of me and WH that she'd hit us with a truly hard, "unpoetic" topic. I was pissed for about 10 seconds when I saw it (mostly 'cause I can't eat the chocolate anymore; it triggers my migraines). When it comes to a poetry exercise, it's all about the nothin' but. Like they says about golf; as long as you're playin' on the same course, shut up and hit the ball.

Nice job on yours, by the way WH. Real nice work.
Those damned M&Ms. That damned M&M.

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: February 8, 2005 )

Look folks
This is supposed to be fun, not easy I think. The subjects chosen are to see if you can create, something, anything if your brain and heart are up to it. It takes a little skill, not a lot of skill to pull it off. It's the pressure of competition that is a hoot for me. for Gods sakes,chill already. I appreciate your comments on my work, and thank you all. I ain't sayin' no more until this is over.

williamhill

( Posted by: williamhill [Member] On: February 8, 2005 )

Free music v. candy ads
I gave you the higher rating for originality, inducing music ads, not candy ads, at bottom of piece. Sheeesh.

RW

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: February 8, 2005 )

M&M's...
MY,MY,MY, Yall both have fun! I'm just gonna say
I've took some things into consideration, such as my southern friend, Great Job, I had to read a few times but, that's good. I got it,"Damn those M&M's".......................~Robin~

( Posted by: Robinbird [Member] On: February 8, 2005 )

Eminem
I'm ranking you higher because of your rapping connection with confection.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: February 8, 2005 )

Great experience
This is so characteristic of a MnM experience. For me it invoked the fleeting associations during the actual buying of the candy through a machine on a hot day with a can of Dr. Pepper in hand, or standing in a 13 hour line for a cash register at a MegaSupermarket, etc etc.

I think that both poems are equally impressionistic, and Andy's impressionistic rhyme is what pulls in another score.

Tefl0n.org

( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: February 9, 2005 )

King of Hearts
Charlie, I know you already know this but I just wanted you and King of Hearts to know and all the others out there that haven't read the rules for VOTING on the write off that come the end of the write off the 3 that King of Hearts gave you will be deleted and will not add in to your final score.

Please everyone, I have to remind members everytime we have a write off to READ THE RULES BEFORE you vote so that your vote isn't deleted.

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: February 9, 2005 )

rap
I like this a lot.

( Posted by: Georgie [Member] On: February 11, 2005 )

Oh I love M&M's
Charlie, I could hear the music the whole time. I loved it. I love that you combined the rapper and the chocolate. This piece was very original. I loved both (being my second favorite topic)I gave you the nod on this one.

Great write,
Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Moderator] On: February 12, 2005 )

Mmm not sure
Out of the two maybe ?
M&Ms Mmmm maybe
A terrible subject
Handled just about cliche free
Just held the edge for me
So you get it.
G

( Posted by: Gordon [Member] On: February 12, 2005 )

Wrapper rapper
WH:

Back at you, friend.

I love the rap rhythms. You laid them down very slick. I've never had the balls to try one myself. Maybe I will now. Don't know. I've enjoyed the lyricism of some rappers (Eminem, Snoop, Grand Master Flash, 3rd Bass, Busta Rhymes), in many cases even more on the page than with all the background music. Depends on the piece. I may be getting old, but some of it has so much going on that I simply can't hear the words. What's that son? "Musta hunka Bisquick?" Makes no sense! Speak English!

Anyway... loved your piece. Enjoyed the format. Tons of fun. Was glad that Jess paired us up, as I knew we'd be "old style" about the whole shindig.

About the double consonants in mine... wish I could say that it was on purpose. I do sound out my pieces very carefully for the aural feel and rhythm as well as visual and (hopefully) meaning. So if the words sounded good to you, I'm glad. If it was because of double consonants... I'll have to keep that in mind in the future. I do admit that I have a certain fondness for them. They seem... decadent, somehow.

Keep your powder dry and your wick high, my friend. See you in the back room.

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: February 14, 2005 )

Thanks all
I want to thank all of you for reading my work. It has been a lot of fun to see peoples reaction to something that I wouldn't normally do. I am not a huge fan of rap but from time to time I actually hear the words they say. Some of them have a lot going on in their lives. Not a lot of it is healthy. I figured the rap craze would have died down by now, but there has been and continues to be a lot (a loooooooooootttt) of money made from this cultural phenomenon. Maybe I'll do another one with weightier thoughts in mind one of these days. Again, thank you all for reading the work.

williamhill

( Posted by: williamhill [Member] On: February 14, 2005 )

Great job
William, great job as always. What a close race!

( Posted by: Crowe [Admin] On: February 15, 2005 )

Tough Call, Late Response, Version 2
Charlie ~ We've certainly differed in opinions over poetry in the past. I was really wowed by your entry, but then, again, I was quite impressed with that of your competition. I love that you did something daring and different with your write-off piece, especially when the subject was so unusual and, in a sense, so aside from what is usaully considered poetic. In all honesty, I feel this is stellar work, though not as grounded in the topic as it could be. On the other hand, I loved Andy's entry, but didn't feel quite as captivated with it. I think, in further honesty, I would rate both of these entries a 10 in a noncompetitive posting, and so that's what I've finally decided to rate them. I would really love to see more of this from you ~ Keep on keepin on.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: February 16, 2005 )

A close race
I read and enjoyed both poems. I think it's a toss up. I very much enjoyed your poem, but gave a slight edge to the other because I felt this poem (rap) could have been about anything...the M&M's almost felt like an afterthought placed in to meet the requirement of the write off.

Good job thought and I think Puff Daddy (P Diddy or what the hell) would do well to accept your calls.

Jeff

( Posted by: Jeff [Member] On: February 21, 2005 )

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