Green, I Say
by andyhavens (Member) - published: February 7, 2005
Word Count: 184 Word Bytes: 1329 Viewed: 3081 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by andyhavens

8.78

(38 votes)

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The topic for this Write Off is: M&M's

Green, I Say

nothing so shallow,
nothing so thin
as candy crunch color micrometer skin

no peanut no licorice whipped red or black
no nothing with actual
taste to its tack
or rasp on its back
is shallow as candy crunch color skin that
spills rainbowy slippery
elbow deep seeds
all chocolate inside
but we pick out the greens

(you never did hear what the others are for?)

listen, then, child
aphrodisiac�s safe
compared to the rest of the prism of taste

yellows are seeds for soldiers of light
plant them near holly, they blossom at night
and scalp neighbors� kids who have taunted or teased
the brown ones, when juggled, cause mad cow disease
these days Charon takes ferry payment in red
put two in your mouth (they won�t melt when you�re dead)
a trail of bright orange leads men to your wife
every blue one you eat takes two months off your life

the green makes you horny?
well, here, take a few

they don�t look quite right?

well�

I�ve peeled them for you

------
______________________________________________

I blog irregularly at TinkerX. I'm also on Twitter. @andyhavens, go figure.

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Comments

The following comments are for "Green, I Say"
by andyhavens

Andyhavens write-off
Still laughing out loud at this: you have so much fun with those M&M's. I don't think anyone can have more fun with them if they tried. (I might even save all the red ones for my own underworld bribe, peel some for Cerberus, what the heck...)
One great write-off entry, except Charlie gets the high score from me, because, whereas you had great fun with the candy, Charlie's candy had great fun with him, and I like that twist enough for the preference.

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: February 7, 2005 )

M&M's plain
I give the nod to you - very difficult subject matter.

I thought you poem started a little rough but really picked up steam in the second half. You got in some good, creative shots with the descriptions of the different colors and what they do. The image of M&M's in a corpse's mouth not melting - Aieee!

And the ending is a killer.

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: February 7, 2005 )

m&m
Yep, the approach was fun. Personally, I liked the first stanza best, only because it gave a slight glimpse of what's to come.

( Posted by: Ilan Bouchard [Member] On: February 7, 2005 )

m & hmm
think you got saddled with a less than stellar subject (I might have interpreted it differently -- maybe Murder & Mother, Muscle & Moose, I don't know) I think you did a great job with it though. I'm starting to get into your rhythm which helps with your poetry I think. ultimately though what makes it good for me is that I actually enjoy reading it. I like the mini-story quality to your writing.
Couldn't agree more w/your rating slant. But I gave you a nine because I like the way nine's look.
Brad

( Posted by: brad [Member] On: February 7, 2005 )

Murderers and masochists
I would never write another poem, if I had to pen one about M&M's in a write off. Unless I was in 5th grade. But that's me.

Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: February 7, 2005 )

Dirty Pool
You 'member 'ol John Gray in that doublebreasted suit smokin' a unlit cigarette, just puffin' away? Him and Bo Taylor told retarded Harold they'd give 'im a nickel if'n he'd flop his pecker out on the snooker table whilst I was shootin' the six ball. Hell, who could count beads after that shit hit the rail? And it warn't no little pecker either. 'Ol retarded Harold ain't complainin', he got his nickel.

Compared: to the rest of the prism of taste.
Later Andy.

williamhill

( Posted by: williamhill [Member] On: February 8, 2005 )

Paint it Black....
I would rate this 7.95, but I can't. I rated the other piece 8. So I had to rate this 7, to choose between two. I do admire your ability and willingness to take on challenge. I expressed my personal feelings on the matter (in earlier comment), but meant nothing personal toward you or Charlie. Hope that makes sense.

Bon Chance
RW

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: February 8, 2005 )

Been there done that.
This describes my experiences with MnM, minus this enviable rhyming and the themes of death.

Te.flo.net

( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: February 9, 2005 )

commercial
I thought this was too much like an add.

( Posted by: Georgie [Member] On: February 11, 2005 )

Green M&M's
Andy your poem was brilliant. You both did an excellent job with my favorite topic. I have to admit I gave the nod to Charlie because he had me moving and grooving. But you do not disappoint and that ending had me LMAO!

Great write,
Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Member] On: February 12, 2005 )

m&ms
Congrats, Andy. This was a load of fun for me. It was great that you resisted the temptation to actually say M&M. I thought about it but vapor-locked. I wrote a whole nother poem with the M&M boys and Marilyn and Joe, and mickey mouse and such, but it just didn't click with my head. So I wrote the rap.Been wantin' to do one for awhile now.
I knew when I hit "shallow" in your work it would be good. All the nothin' was about everything.You wove a great trip through life. What I really liked about your poem was the use of double consonants. I had to read it a few times to get what it was that made it flow and sound so good. It seemed like the usage of the double consonant sound took away the edge of the rhyme, which was just enough. The eight lines in the fifth stanza goes all fairy tale on me which reminded me of the ones my granny told me years ago. Great punch at the end. This kind of writing deserves to win. I hope that we can do it again sometime.

To pool and snooker

charlie.

( Posted by: williamhill [Member] On: February 14, 2005 )

Congrats Andy
Congrats Andy, you won this round. Well done.

( Posted by: Chrispian [Admin] On: February 15, 2005 )

Late Response on a Tough Call
Andy ~ I was really pleasantly suprised to find yours and Willamhill's poetry entries still up this evening. I'd browsed through the site earlier in the week, but never could seem to find time to comment in anything like a cogent manner.

First off, great responses on a challenging subject (and isn't difficulty ever the essence of a challenge?). I love your usually meticulous writing, your unique brand of fancy (my goodness, yellow m&m's planted by a holly bush blight your enemies?) and your droll, whimsical style. Trying to choose between these entries is not easy, even when the winner has been declared and the contest, is, in essence, over.

On the one hand, I really feel your poem hugs the subject a bit more closely -- something I find particularly valuable in poetry, which can brand random thoughts as conceptual far too easily. On the other hand, William's has a superlative sense of rhythm and an irresistable flow.

In the final analysis, I've hemmed and hawed, and weighed and weighed, again. I find both of your entries to be worthy of a 10, so that's what I'm rating them.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: February 16, 2005 )

Really close
I gave you the slight edge, because I thought you really caught the essence of the candy.

It was a good job and I now know more than I thought you could know about the colors of M&M's

Good Job.

Jeff

( Posted by: Jeff [Member] On: February 22, 2005 )

M&M's & Sex
You have a wonderful imagination and I got a good chuckle out of this one for sure! I think you did a very fine job with this piece. I will certainly add it to my favorites and keep a watchful eye on your work in the future.
!Doc~

( Posted by: Doc [Member] On: February 23, 2005 )

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