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Everything here on my wedding day is absolutely gorgeous! All the flowers, all the gifts, I kind of feel like I'm the character out of a wonderful story. The year being 1897, we have so many modern conveniences. The man I will spend the rest of my life with, looks so handsome in his well pressed suit.
My father paid handsomely for the wedding dress I adorn. The dress is white, being made of satan and lace. Here at this big church in London, standing before God and all, we will make a vow to each other to be together forever.
We leave on a ship tonight for our honeymoon in Walachia. Why you choose this place, I have no idea. After we exchange our vows, we have a reception where most people congratulate me. But some warn me of your profession, which I don't even know, and I don't care what it is as long as I am with you. Some people say you are of the darkness and evil! Don't be absurd! How could a man as sweet and gentle as you be connected with the supernatural?
We leave the reception, headed for the ship that will sail us to the destination of our honeymoon. We have been sailing for a few days now. On the deck we stand and it feels cool, especially with a light ocean breeze. You say you feel a chill, and would I go to our cabin to get your top coat? I oblige you, not minding one single bit. I can't find your coat right off so I have to search the closet. I start canvassing around in the closet, as I look for your coat, I find all sorts of strange things. I find a large golden crucifix, then I see a canteen of water, the canteen has some sort of religious symbol on it, then I see a piece of wood with a pointed end about as big as a two by four. Why on earth would you be in possession of such oddities?
I find you coat and bring it to you on deck. I don't say anything to you about my strange finds, but I can't help but think why you would posses such oddities?
We reach our destination and I am so excited. The little village here is just absolutely beautiful. So quaint and serene, set in a valley type situation. There is a big mouton over looking the quaint little village. The mountain itself looks so ominous and horrifying., as it looks as if it could totally engulf the little village.
On the mountain top there seems to be the remnants of an old ancient castle. I get a feeling of shear fear as I look up at the old castle. It just looks so desolate and evil. The castle actually looks as if its watching and waiting. I love the little village except for the over looking castle that sends severe chills up and down my spine.
You tell me you want to go exploring, and I say all right, with no idea you are going to go to the dreaded old castle. I follow you as we climb jagged rocks even though there is a path. Our destination, I am not too happy to reach.
Our destination we finally reach, the horrid old castle looks as though once it could have been regal and majestic. You say we must hurry, as you don;t want to be here at night fall. As we go deeper into the ruins, I start to feel an awful feeling of fright. Part of the castle is still in tact. Calling on the power of bravery, we go inside. There are cobwebs and pieces of large stones all around.
The sun starts setting and you look as if you are afraid yourself. After night falls everything is so dark. So you tear your shirt, wrapping it around a stick you found making crude torch. You say now it doesn't matter when we leave because now it is too late. We turn to leave, and to my surprise there stands a man.
Not an ordinary man, his feet are not even touching the earth, as he glides on air, as he challenges my new husband. "Van Helseng, I knew you would come sooner or later!"


------
Lanaia Lee


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The following comments are for "Wedded Unknowingly Against T he Darkness"
by abbey74

Wedded Feedback
I'm not sure what the purpose of this story is. I mean, obviously it's about Van Helsing's wife...but what facet of this character are you trying to illuminate?

My first impression is that you definitely need paragraph breaks. Right now, this reads as a long run-on sentence and the changes in POV and time are confusing because of it. In the first bit, it seems the heroine is thinking to herself; but a few sentences later is seems she's talking to her husband, and then it switches again to a more internal dialogue. The shifts forward in time from wedding to embarkation to on the ship to Wallachia are equally confused because of this lack of division.

Check your spelling; you misspelled satin as "satan" and mountain as "mouton".

An old--but still valid--piece of advice among writers is "show, don't tell". I feel this story tells too much and doesn't show enough. The character says that people say her husband is evil; a more subtle way to say the same thing might be something like: "There are, of course, rumors. Jealous people will say anything of a successful man."

Further, I found some of the language to be awkward. For example: "the ship that will sail us to the destination of our honeymoon"...why not just say "we left the reception for our ship"? We already know they're going on a honeymoon. Another exampe is "valley type set-up". It's wordy without really communicating anything. Instead you could say something like: "the quaint and tiny village, set like a jewel in its valley". Particularly in very short fiction, it's important to make sure every word you use communicates exactly what you want it to, and that there's no empty prose.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

( Posted by: pharseer [Member] On: January 29, 2005 )





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