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I Found a Lifevest in my School Today

I saw a life vest
In my school today,
And I never thought
I would feel this way.

I can’t say what, and I can’t say how;
She raised me to the surface,
And let me have a breath -
A breath of clean air.

And then,
She kept me afloat;
She showed me how to feel -
How to feel again.

She guides me through the days,
Keeping me afloat.
And I realize...
She is my life vest.


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Comments

The following comments are for "I Saw A Life Vest"
by poetfreak

Supportive friend
This is a nice sentiment and a good description of a friend. I have a few suggestions though.

Generally speaking; spelling, capitalization and punctuation are important when presenting your poetry. Relaxed forms like this are better for email, IM, text messaging and lyrics on pop CDs. Guides and realize are spelled wrong.

How about 'I found a life vest in school today' which shows how you discovered your friend and introduces us to the idea of a supportive friend. -Philo

( Posted by: philo [Member] On: January 17, 2005 )

I think
you are in love. This was a fun read.

Felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: January 19, 2005 )

Sweet
I like what you've done. -Philo

( Posted by: Philo [Member] On: January 19, 2005 )

Thanks
Philo thanks for helping in my writing it’s a big... help lol

( Posted by: poetfreak [Member] On: January 23, 2005 )

Life Vest
Poet Freak,

Again, I enjoy reading your work. I am impressed that you have the "stones" to post your work and invite constructive criticism. That says a lot for you - especially seeing that you are a 15 year old poet.

Because I too, struggle with punctuation in poetry, I am always interested in what you are doing with yours - since mechanics, rather than content seem to be your Achilles’ heal.

I will attempt (weakly perhaps) to suggest punctuation changes. I also have trouble knowing where to put the line breaks and stanza breaks, so this should be interesting. My hope is that someone whose forte is punctuation, will come back with a scathing correction of my corrections, thus giving you some tangible direction in how to correct it, rather than just pointing out that it needs correction.

Did that make sense? Here goes:

I Found a Lifevest in my School Today

I saw a life vest
In my school today,
And I never thought
I would feel this way.

I can’t say what, and I can’t say how;
She raised me to the surface,
And let me have a breath -
A breath of clean air.

And then,
She kept me afloat;
She showed me how to feel -
How to feel again.

She guides me through the days,
Keeping me afloat.
And I realize...
She is my life vest.

Again, I enjoy reading your work and really respect your desire to improve.

Keep up the good work!

Felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: January 23, 2005 )

Thanks
I have gone through and re-corrected the piece, if there are any things you think I have missed please let me know I always can use constructive criticism.

PoetFreak

( Posted by: poetfreak [Member] On: April 1, 2005 )





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