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As Submitted to Witch Hunter's Weekly
by Proffessor A. Van Uproot


My friends, it is common knowledge that every village must have a witch. Just as no castle can be ghostless or a graveyard without a vampire, it goes without saying that a village simply cannot be a village without a witch. In short, a witchless village couldn't be termed a village at all.

Of course, some villages have more witches than others. For instance, I encountered one village down in the Appalachia where it was said that a witch could be found on every corner. Just as in Romania I found a community composed solely of witches. But these are rather unsual occurences. It is far more normal for a village to have one or two or at most----- a family of witches.

It is the bane of witch hunters that witches rarely form large communities and preffer to be solitary creatures. Because they have a taking for small and religous communities witches are all the more difficult to find. Luckily, it is a well known fact that witches love to inhabit particulary religous places. For a village with a witch is made all the more interesting with a priest. Laugh though you may but a witch without a preist to pursue it, is about as rare as a village without a witch.

Though a witchless village is a fancy which has never been found, a villageless witch does sometimes occur. These witches though generally believed to be harmless are in my opinion the most corrupt and elusive of the lot. As only a person who has devoted their whole life to the elimination of witches can tell you, a witch is one of the foulest beings on this earth. These singular devils devote their lives to the torment of god fearing men. Their nefarious deeds from spoiling milk to snatching children, show a perversity so profound that the welfare of all those in contact with the witch is threatened. But it can easily be said that villageless witches are much much worse than these ordinary witches. For unlike most, villageless witches wander from place to place leave a path of destruction behind them. These beings temporarily settle in some obscure place but move on before the witch hunters can find them.

When a village and a villageless witch meet, a singular and extremely dangerous situation is formed. For when this happens, the local villagers suffer from more than a normal witches plagueings. For though you may never have met a witch, EVERY VILLAGE HAS ONE. Thus, when you put a villageless witch in a village, the worst possiable situation occurs. A Villageless witch meets a witch with a village. And as witches are very terratorial and highly select beings, you can only imagine the chaos with ensues. For as well as being despicable, witches are very particular. Every witch belongs to a coven and if two witches of seperate covens should cross eachothers path, woe betide those there to witness it. And this is exactly why you don't want to be around if a villageless witch should meet a witch with a village.

I once had the very good fortune to have a colleage who was called into one of these rare and extremely dangerous cases. It was this close proximation with these creatures and his queer findings which inspired me to write this article. I can only hope that in making my knowledge of witch known to the world, I will be aiding others in the cause of ridding the world of these foul beings.

\\\'\\\'Gamps me name and Gamps me nature.\\\'\\\'


The following comments are for "The Villageless Witch"
by SairyGamp

A Witch Article that is not just a Witch Article
I said it. This is not just a witch article. There's something intelligent lurking underneath the witchy words. A lesson in territorialism which holds true in some ways.

(I noticed your other posts though. I hope that you also give answers to the comments as I am curious of what your response will be to what I said)

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: January 13, 2005 )

Isn't this an answer?
Thankyou for your comments. You are right about it not just being a witch article. For one thing I wrote it from the perspective of a religous fanatic. It was actually part of a story I was writing (and still am in an on and off way). I suppose you could say that your mention of terriatorialism holds true for while my story is a bit ridiculous, it is all about a war territory war that a preist is waging against villageless witches who are also fighting a war against the village witches. The village witches are unknown to the preist so they have the advantage of fighting their war through the preist.

( Posted by: SairyGamp [Member] On: January 14, 2005 )

Witch Village
I enjoyed that! The spelling needs some work, but gotta agree that there's something more lurking under there.

I'd like your advice on dealing with other ghouls. How best do I avoid a vampiric bite and what's the cure for the common ghoul? Just some ideas. If you don't write it, I might! :->

You gotta have some more advice like the witch advice to inform and entertain me!

( Posted by: Shel [Member] On: January 17, 2005 )

A somewhat late response
Okay sorry I took so long to get around to this. I've been on a writing streak so I haven't touched the computer keys lately. I have been writing more in my story the Villageless Witch and I am now posting them on this site. I have tried to atten to everyones problems by editing the introduction to my story. I went back and tried to spell the word priest correctly. I say tried because I am a rotten speller though my punctuation is infinitely worse.
As to ghouls I am afraid I do not know much about them but I can tell you a bit about vampires. There are several ways to avoid a vampire bite and many other ways to contain vampires. First I shall talk of containing vampires as that is in part, another way to avoid vampire bites.
Containing vampires can be done in several ways and if the world only empolyed them then I can assure you, there would be alot less vampires around. Of course, there would also be alot more werewolves about. You see when you shoot a werewolf with a silver bullet or shoot it in the heart, then the werewolf becomes a vampire. So all those werewolf hunters are poisioning the world with vampires. Suicide is another way to make a vampire. If a person kills themself then they frequently become a vampire. People who are buried at the cross roads also become vampires. This leads me to the methods of containment. It should be against the law to kill a werewolf (wolves are endangered anyway), there should be a special division of the government to deal with and prevent suicides, and of course nobody should be buried at the cross roads. These actions would help contain vampires and prevent many people from getting bitten.
There are some simpler methods of preventing vampire bites. One of these is to be prepared at all times for meeting with a vampire. Just as you would carry pepper spray to disarm a mugger, you should carry crosses and stakes to ward off vampires. It would be most prudent to always have a stake handy and to have it marinated before hand in garlic sauce. Not only is garlic sauce delicous but it will be very handy in scaring off any vampire you meet.
Another way to prevent vampire bites is to eat garlicy foods. Always eat garlic bread, always put garlic in your soup, and chew garlic instead of gum. This will keep all vampires away. Espically if you learn the handy trick of rubbing you neck with garlic.
Changing your schedule could help prevent the calamity of being bitten. Sleep in the day and stay up at night. This way you will be awake when the vampire is and shall not be preyed upon in your sleep. You will have the benefit of spotting the vampire and knowing that it will bite you.
Finally if all else fails, catch some dreadful disease. Vampires are only human and so they would not dine upon contaminated food any more than you would. Sick people taste sick, like rotten food.

( Posted by: SairyGamp [Member] On: February 8, 2005 )

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