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Tomorrow Will Be My Rest

I sprinted relentlessly toward nothing
Toiled to familial comfort make
Sweat with tattered paintbrush or weary garden hoe in hand
Bled on briars; clearing rich sun-warmed soil

Fueled by the fantasy of golden years to come
When I would be wrapped in appreciative eyes
I found the strength to pound yet one more nail
And smiled as I read to heavy heads nestled at my breast

When fires of green wood kindled
In the hours that owls called
Warming delicate noses and velvety cheeks
My heart waltzed to the lullaby of babies’ breaths

Tomorrow would be my rest
With contented children grown
Who learned and prospered in security
For I loved them first

My autumn comes upon me
My leaves display a passing surge of beauty
Before abandoning me
To knotted, brittle bows

My dedication forgotten
Scarred hands and burden-bent shoulders,
A brow crossed by hours of heart-felt prayer
Tell a story to deaf ears

My dreams lay dormant at the feet of love;
Graying hair and thin skin usher me to my place
Yesterday smells of summer
Today will be my rest




------
Here, I share, with stark honesty, my life.


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The following comments are for "Tomorrow Will Be My Rest"
by feliciastone

...
wow

( Posted by: FangChen [Member] On: January 12, 2005 )

Humble Thank You
Thank you so much for your generous rating! This is the first of my poems to be rated and you don't know what an encouragement it is to me.

I look forward to reading your bio and your posts.

Felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: January 12, 2005 )

Awkward yet Lovely
felicia~

Since you asked so nicely, it shall be done.

Once again, the sentiment of this piece is without fault, yet the phrasing and the sometimes arbitrary nature of the line breaks makes the poem a bit awkward. I'll offer a theory I use in my own writing and hope it will be of use to you.

Poetry is the art of saying a lot with a little. So what you don't say is often as important as what you do. To start with I would try to cut this poem down to about three quarters of its present length. Start by looking for filler words that can be cut. Remember that the wonderful thing about poetry is that we are freed from the conventions of normal speech and can look for more concise structure to convey the same message we would normally use twice as many words for in conversation.

Next take a look at your line breaks and try to make it so that one image flows into the next while maintaining its own identity.

Try these out and see if the help. Don't be afraid to massacre this draft with cuts and revisions. It's the first step towards improvement.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: January 13, 2005 )

Thanks, Bartleyby
And this is one I was comfortable with.

Can you rework a piece or two and let show me a better flow?

I agree that cutting during the editing process is usually the best thing you can do to almost any manuscript or poem.

Were there parts that seemed more awkward than others or was it pretty much the whole thing?

Thanks again,

Felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: January 13, 2005 )

Thanks Lucie
I always value your input. I have placed this poem on the chopping block. I'll re-post it when it's ready.

Thanks again!

Felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: January 14, 2005 )

Great idea
This line
"Toiled to familial comfort make"
somehow bothered me. It made me stop and think at it for a moment to sort out the disorganized grammar. I know that there's a cadence to keep, but it's best I think to do it while keeping grammatical rules in place.
I love that your prayers go to deaf ears. It feeds the feeling of abandonment. In general, I think this is quite a nice poem though.
-Casey

( Posted by: shefallssoftly [Member] On: February 21, 2005 )

Casey
Thanks, Casey, for your helpful insights.

( Posted by: FeliciaStone [Member] On: July 13, 2012 )





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