The Prattle: Brown-Noser Bill Walton
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By Richard Dani
I know there aren’t many sports fans floating around the on-line lit scene but after watching Game 1 of the NBA Western Conference Finals, I was so irked I just had to put it into words.
I didn’t have many problems with the game itself. Sure, the LA Lakers got the benefit of the officials’ calls but that’s understandable. They are the most recognizable team with the most recognizable players, which doesn’t make it fair but whaddya gonna do.
The problem I had was with the comments made by Bill Walton. He’s a former player and from what I can tell, he’s the biggest ass kiss on the planet. I honestly believe that if Kobe Bryant farted in his face, he’d inhale deeply and swear to god that he smelled nothing but roses. Every time a Laker touched the ball he would gush about how wonderful that particular player was.
From listening to Bill Walton, I’ve learned that “Phil Jackson is the greatest coach ever.” The fact that he only coaches teams with the best players in the league seems to be immaterial. He’s never built a winner. He just comes in after someone else has done the grunt work and usurps them. Quite honestly, who couldn’t win championships with Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen or with Shaq and Kobe? Maybe a brain dead chimp with a spastic colon and even then I’d still like those teams’ chances.
From Walton’s slobberings, I’ve also discovered that, “… Shag is an unstoppable force with feet like a ballerina.”
Evidently the last ballet Mr. Walton viewed was performed by extremely overweight hippos because Shaq is four hundred and fifty pounds and about as graceful as a cement truck. The fact that he can’t shoot the ball from two feet out doesn’t stop Walton from describing Shaq as “…absolutely brilliant.” Further, if he were called for a foul every time he elbowed someone in the face he’d spend the bulk of the game on the bench.
But that doesn’t matter. What I can’t figure out is why Walton feels compelled to brag about how wonderful the Lakers are. Is he on their payroll? Does he get kickbacks? Or is he such a loser that he, like all front runner fans, has attached himself to a winner to compensate for his own pathetic failings?
I don’t have an answer to those questions but I hope prior to the next game, someone jams one of Shag’s jockstraps between Walton’s well-used lips. I’d much rather listen to him suck on the sweat from Shaq’s groin than be buried in another avalanche of his loving praise.
Please, Bill Walton buy yourself a team picture and just pleasure yourself in private because your behavior is more sickening than a teenager with a bad case of puppy love.
If you have no questions or fears about your abilities, then you will learn nothing from your mistakes and know nothing about your limitations.