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Once when I was lonely here
I dug a hole to China land.
I dropped a line; you pulled it through
And sent it back to me again.

How could I have ever known,
That on the other side of time
across lands and skies unknown,
There was another soul like mine?

We talked long, long hours
About nothing at all
Knowing we couldn't be closer if
on the same side of this stone ball.

Every day when I woke up
I rushed through the work I had to do
I scrubbed each star, white-washed moon
Pressed the sky, and hung each up too.

But just as soon as I was through
I ran to the hole to call out to you.
I waited breathless to hear
if you were there to talk to.

But one strange day, When the moon was askew
I went out to that hole to call out to you
You called back, "I love you, I love you."
I staggered back not sure what to do.

From where I stood I looked up at the stars
The constellations seemed to form into bars
Then were blurred by tears azure blue
And crazy thoughts of me and you.

Don't you see? We're like fire flies,
Caught in different jars
Underneath skies
With different shaped stars.

The stars in your sky
form into different scenes and
the Cuckoo in your clock long since gone
to dream her timeless dreams

The painting you started was beautiful
And seemed like so much fun
But you forgot the oceans of time
That no boat could ever outrun.

But happily ever after we will live
The lives we lived in our own lands
Just before that day I thought I was lonely
And dug that hole to China land

But never will I forget
the friend I found there
and the love we shared
and that desparate late night prayer.



------
~Donna J

--------
Do not look back in anger, or forward in fear, but around in awareness. -James Thurber



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Comments

The following comments are for "The hole to you"
by DonnaJ

All I can say,
is this just rolled out the other day.... more as a message in some secret code that evolved into a poem of sorts. I know it has issues (especially the next to last stanza) but I'm not sure how to work them out just yet. I like to have a slight change in rhythm every now and then to reflect a change in what is happening but this has a bit too much fluctuation I think. I really wanted to stay away from "bouncy" with this one. Any opinions are welcome here and honesty is the only thing that really matters. Thanks.

( Posted by: DonnaJ [Member] On: January 13, 2005 )

Just found this one...
Hi, Donna. Only my second read of yours I think. already I love your stuff. Short of time but promise I will come back and opine and crit. It's great though from this very quick read. regards huni.

( Posted by: huni [Member] On: January 13, 2005 )

patterns?
DonnaJ, I like a lot of things about this poem but try as I may, I couldn't find a rhythm. Free verse is of course fine with me, but I kept running into rhyming words that reminded me I hadn't found a rhythm yet. I read it twice and then again outloud and nothin'

You've said it just rolled out. Maybe you could pull out the rhyming words and let it just roll and tell its story. [this where I paused and read it again] The more I think about this as free verse, the less concerned I am about the rhyming, I took my own advice and decided to just let it roll over me and I think it worked.

Now my advice is to review the last two stanzas. They seem rushed and repetitive to me somehow. Words like fall, paint and live, seem like they're tripping over one another as they rush to the end of this poem, which seems to come too soon.

I hope this helps and if you decide to revise this, I hope I get to see it. The story and the imagery are romantic and longing (almost achingly so) magical and sweet. -Philo

( Posted by: Philo [Member] On: January 13, 2005 )

Thanks Philo
I think you are right.... I think the problem with this one is it isn't really complete. It doesn't really explain itself. Actually reading it myself again I think I figured out a thing or two about myself and those bars. Once I get my head straight I think the poem will work itself out ;)

( Posted by: DonnaJ [Member] On: January 14, 2005 )





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