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On tattered knees, with trembling hands His company lay sleeping
His anguish turning sweat to blood, still no one sees Him weeping
By moonlight soldiers circle round the unsuspecting garden
And take by force the silent lamb who’ll die to give them pardon

In rusted chains He guiltless stands before old Pontius Pilot
Who sees no crime but scourges Him to calm the angry riot
His blood pours out from ragged flesh and crown-like thorny halo
From distant hill the cock does crow while Peter tries to stay low

A scurried band of recent brothers hide in darkened corners
Avoiding chains or scourge or death, this fellowship of mourners
Awaiting word from gossip’s tongue, while hiding in the shadows
They don disguise to gaze upon their Savior at the gallows

Where now the hope they firmly held of honor in His kingdom?
They dreamed of riches, joy and fame not torches, shackles, ransom
Are these, the hands that fed the crowds, now flinching and stigmatic?
And hair-washed feet with death-perfume a prophecy emphatic?

Yet morning glow to grievers comes to light the empty chamber
For just one man did conquer death to grant us this disclaimer
Should we believe in Him and love all people as commanded
At judgment seat, yet guilt assured, by Him we’ll be unhanded





------
Here, I share, with stark honesty, my life.


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Comments

The following comments are for "On Tattered Knees"
by FeliciaStone

Please Critique!!!
Hello all... I am new to the forum and would like some feedback on this piece. I'm not in here to feed my ego, I am here for valid constructive criticism - I'm seeking people with a heavy red pen, so please, no hesitation for sensitivity's sake. I was involved in a writer's forum years ago and was frustrated by the inability of readers to comment and edit my work because they feared hurting my feelings. I eventually found a writer with whom I could exchange manuscripts and do some intense co-editing. I hope I can find that here as well.

Thanks!!

Felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

YES!
Hi Jessica,

The sentence you picked up on is the one I struggled with SO much! I must have spent 40% of the time it took me to write the piece on those two lines alone because I changed them so many times. I still don't like it, but hoped someone would give me a thumbs down so I would at least know we were on the same page. Sometimes I just need to leave it alone and come back to it a week or two later. (I wrote it the day I submitted, so it hasn't properly weathered if you know what I mean.)

Thank you SO MUCH!

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

correction
I just re-read your comment and noticed the poem read "the cocks do crow"... it was supposed to read "the cocks did crow" although it still doesn't work for me.

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

Felicia
Felicia,

You know I have just found your poetry, and like it. This is no exception I loved the whole thing, but really did have a gigle with the line:

'From distant hill the cocks do crow while Peter tries to stay low'

It looks like an unintentional 'bad rhyming' of 'do crow' and 'stay low', when of course the line rhymed perfectly with 'halo'..... I loved it, but that's my sense of humour.

If you can get rid of the mid sentence rhyme it will cure the problem (but be such a shame!).

possibly...'The cocks did crow from distant hills, while peter tries to stay low.'

I then looked at the comments and found Jessica had already mentioned this, si I wasn't on my own thank goodness.

Love your work,

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: February 1, 2005 )

Thanks for peeking
Thanks for peeking into my little collection here. Yes, that line is the one that haunts me, too. I've left it alone. Sometimes when I come back, I have the answer and wonder why I didn't see it before.

Again, thanks for reading.

Felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: February 1, 2005 )

Beautiful Imagery
I'm not a religious person, but somehow I still relate to this poem. I think what I like most about it is that it doesn't use religious imagery to discuss a religious scene. When I started reading I felt as if it would be about sweatshops in singapore, or the war in iraq, or a concentration camp.
-Casey

( Posted by: shefallssoftly [Member] On: February 21, 2005 )

On Tattered Knees
Hello!
Just wanted you to know this I felt was very good! I wanted to come online to see what you have been up to and love what I have read. You are very talented and I am sure I have not said that to you nearly enough. I am very proud of you sister! OX Kimberly

( Posted by: LadyKimberly [Member] On: March 1, 2005 )

Hey Sis
Hi Kim,

Thanks for checking out lit.org and for commenting on this poem.

I hope to see you posting here real soon!

Love ya,

Paula

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: March 1, 2005 )





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