Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search

Average Rating

(0 votes)

You must login to vote

Chapter 1
The Robbery

The pitch-black sky of night poured down heavy rain as the two men carried on with their hasty business. Suited in many squalid coats and layers that hid their gaunt faces, they made not a sound; at least not one that could be heard over the heavy pounding of rain. The past few days while this heist had been being planned, the sun had shown, and the two men would have fain done this on any of those days. It had been decided though, that on this night, Gillen and Jarvis would rob the bank. It of course was completely unoriginal and they were condemned to be caught from the start it would seem; but this was the twos’ last idea that could get them money without work.
According to Jarvis, whom had laid out not twenty yards away from the bank for every night of the past week, the guard left his post for fifteen minutes to go upon a small break. While at this time, another guard would come on duty to cover for the one going on break. It would take this second guard three minutes to arrive at his post, giving Gillen and Jarvis just that much time to get inside the bank, and then unlock the back window and slip out with the money. It was clearly, a foolproof plan.
“You ready, lad?” Gillen who had basically taken on the role of leader over the years they had worked together asked his younger companion, Jarvis. “No really, you ready? Because the last time you said you were ready, we wound up behind iron bars to endeavor three months of jail time.”
Jarvis looked up and down the street, the guard walking up the road for his break one way, and from down the street the other way, in the far off distance was the second guard; well under go to arrive here in three minutes. The man’s eyes showed fear, but they always did. Gillen showed his yellow and crooked teeth as he grinned at the younger man.
“Relax! Tonight’s the night, lad! Tonight’s the night. Now let’s go!”
Gillen got up off of his propped elbows and half jogged, half somewhat hopped his way while hunched over as if not to be seen. Clearly the hopping would give him away though if a witness were to be observing the scene.
“Jarvis, you slow fool! Do come along!” Gillen hoarsely called back over his shoulder.
“I’m comin’, I’m comin’! Hold your horses!”
“I ain’t got none,” Gillen said with a wheezing chuckle. “I’m too poor!” With this addition he burst out even louder.
“Shut up! We’ll be caught for sure!”
“We’re always caught anyways; and even when I’m completely silent and more stealthy than a fox too,” Gillen said as he rounded on Jarvis with narrowed eyes; those yellow daunted eyes were petrifying to look straight into. And their gazes met on.
“I’m sorry, I’m so nervous,” Jarvis said with raised hands in defense.
Gillen’s tense eased as he smiled that haunting smile that never actually told you whether or not he was happy, or just about to burst into a fit of rage. But he waved his hand, and Jarvis made no objection to follow him across the dirt road. Gillen shielded his eyes with his hand to prevent the rain from getting in them and forcing him to blink. He squinted, and with that could see the guard coming their way. A musket was hefted on his shoulder.
“Come on Jarvis, come on!”
The two sprinted across the dirt road as they thanked God that it was raining, else the dirt surely would have caught anyone’s attention that was looking this way. The two ran up the rickety wooden steps that led them up to the porch of the bank. The planks creaked and moaned under the two men’s weight. They were nice and try since the balcony overhead stretched out to the road. Gillen turned the brass doorknob that the guard had careless left unlocked, and the two scrambled in.
It was as easy as that, and the two were inside the square hollowed room, aside from counter near the back where the safe was lurking behind; awaiting to be opened.
“Fools,” Gillen said with a laugh. “Leave the door unlocked for us to come right on in. They didn’t suspect a thing.”
“Yeah? But I did.”
Before Gillen or Jarvis could even comprehend that it wasn’t one or the other whom had just spoken, two giant hands had them each by the collar.
“Damnation!” Gillen blurted out. “And just who might you be?”
“I am Cornelius. And I’m the one robbing this bank!”
“No, no, NO! Now we can’t have two different groups of people robbing the same bank; that’s not how it works!”
“I work alone, there is no group with me here.”
The man was near impossible to make out in the dimness of the room.
“How long have you been planning to rob this bank?” Jarvis asked in his shaky and high-pitched voice.
“Since this morning.”
“Aha!” Gillen exclaimed with triumph. “We have been planning this for a week, so that means that we rightfully get to—“
“Quite you!” The man shouted incessantly. “I’m inside the building first, I will rob it first!”
“Why don’t we just rob it the three of us?” Jarvis asked. “We’ll split the money three ways. Surely it’s enough so that the amount is not a big loss for any one of us?”
“I suppose we could do that,” Cornelius said. “Yeah, that’s not such a bad idea!”
“Hey, who’s in here?”
The three turned in unison to stare into the doorway where two guards stood. Cornelius hoisted Gillen and Jarvis back into the air by their collars.
“Hey what are you doing?” Gillen screamed.
“Remember?” Cornelius said with a smirk as he pulled Gillen’s face right up to his. “I work alone.”
He hurled the two through the air sending them to crash right into the guards. Before another move could be made, the man had slipped out the back window, and Gillen and Jarvis were in shackles.

Related Items


The following comments are for "The Companions"
by ArturHawking

getting there
Let me congratulate on your excellent job of description. You've also rid yourself of most of the various mistakes seen in your other works. Though you did a great job on this story, there is a few things that still need to be fixed. Some sentences are still overly descriptive and sentence structure in some parts could use some tweaking. Another minor problem would be your excessive use of the word "quite" as opposed to the proper word "quiet." Yet the largest problem--which can easily be mended--are the characters. I'm happy to see that they're much more developed than any of your other characters, but your not quite there yet. What bugs me the most about them is what they're doing and how you describe them. They didn't come off as desperate men, but rather evil men. Here are some of the adjectives you use that would suggest that these men are filthy rotten crooks: yellow, daunted, haunting, crooked, yellow and daunted (again), and other such ways you use to describe your characters which makes them hard to like. Granted, these afore mentioned adjectives were only used to describe one of the characters, Gillen I believe, it suggests that Jarvis is a spineless dough-face. My final bit of critique would be of their bank robbing exploit. For one, their plans were not decribed well enough, and two, I don't think a bank robbing scene is a good way to introduce these men, they shpuld be doing something else more desperate. Just my opinion, but you have a very good idea set up.

( Posted by: TheGreatSage [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.