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A precious angel filled with love
Looks down upon you from above.
He sweetly smiles and then he says,

I remember your warmth, your touch;
I know you loved me very much.
I wish I could have stayed with you
But God has a plan for me and for you.

Some day soon, we will meet again
And will walk together hand in hand.
Until then, Mom and Dad,
I will remember you.

--In memory of John Austin Jones


------
~Donna J

--------
Do not look back in anger, or forward in fear, but around in awareness. -James Thurber



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The following comments are for "An Angel Missed"
by DonnaJ

cheating?
Donna,

This one confused me a little.

[A precious angel filled with love
Looks down upon you from above] seems to indicate a singular person but then
[Until then, Mom and Dad,
I will remember you.] indicates two - are you taking about your Mom and Dad in the first stanza?

okay...disregard my last. "John Austin Jones" is the angel, a man who has died and he is looking down and talking to his parents?

Forgive my ignorance. I'm sure it's me.

The rhyming seemed awkward to me almost as if you couldn't decide what you wanted to do with it. Again, I could be the one who is not seeing the obvious - because of my inexperience.

I find rhyming a challege in order to keep it clean and consistent. If you view [On Tattered Knees] that I recently submitted, I think the places my rhyme is weak will jump out at you.

Keep plugging away. That's good advice for any writer.

Thanks for sharing,

felicia

( Posted by: feliciastone [Member] On: January 10, 2005 )


I thought this poem was very sweet, but I wasn't sure if it was meant to be sweet or serious, that was my only confusion. Good Job. :)

( Posted by: UrTalkingt0Jen [Member] On: January 10, 2005 )

I'll give some background
This poem is about a baby that died 17 hours after birth. He was my nephew. The father is my little brother.... who isn't so little anymore. He called me in tears after his son dying in his arms. After talking to him I sat down and wrote this poem. It was mostly for the baby's mother.

This poem certainly isn't one of my best but I think writing is very therapeutic. Some of these are more like mental exercises for me. Of course I welcome criticism, especially in cases where my lines don't flow or I use the wrong spelling or form of a word, but in this case I think this is a difference of style. I really admire Robert Frost and I hope some day I can stand in the edge of his shadow ;) Thank you for your input.

( Posted by: DonnaJ [Member] On: January 11, 2005 )

An Angel Missed
I really like this piece Donna and I'm reluctant to suggest changes to poems which are straight from the heart. Of ten the original speaks more than the edited copy.

In saying that I would cut a syllablefrom both the eighth and ninth lines.

"Some day soon we'll meet again
and walk togesther hand in hand"

Take care

Emlyn

( Posted by: Emlyn [Member] On: January 11, 2005 )

You're right
That does roll so much better and doesn't change the message. Thanks!

( Posted by: DonnaJ [Member] On: January 11, 2005 )





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