A little Couplet
by williamhill (Member) - published: January 7, 2005
Word Count: 222 Word Bytes: 1395 Viewed: 2350 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by williamhill

8.92

(28 votes)

Rating	Rated by

7	Alexithymia

10	arc

8	Bobby7L

9	Cicada

10	CJHerlihy

10	Cynical_Scribe

8	Demeter

10	DieBaronHobskew..

7	Enforced Bliss

7	FangChen

8	gogolism

10	GreyButterCups

10	Huni

10	JEANNIE45

10	Jessicanm

8	johnjohndoe

8	londongrey

10	nae411

7	o.w.toad

10	Penelope

9	rcallaci

10	Robinbird

9	Searching4Ever

9	slackjaw

8	strangedaze

10	theconcordpoet

8	vodkafamilywins..

10	windchime

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All of my life, I've been waiting for you.
My first box of crayons, they were so few.
Of all the power I held in my hand,
You were the colours of my promised land.
Remember how dawn peeked over the trees?
How Rhode Island Red carried on the breeze?
You saw how fast pa milked the Holstein cows.
After breakfast,I slopped the Durock sows.
Slipped a feedbag o'er the Black Jack's muzzle,
Calico cat jumped on me to nuzzle.
Our bluetick hound chased after the turkey.
I caught the fish that made our pond murky.
I mowed the yard underneath barefoot toes.
Pa moved the outhouse,the stench stung my nose.
Ma took in laundry for a little cash,
Hung it out to dry on the clothesline sash.
Pa brought the hay in before a big rain,
I watched the lightning through my windowpane.
We went coonhunting on the darkest night,
Pa lit the carbide lamp, which made it bright.
You would think that nothing could change those times,
But we all failed to see the warning signs.
Some years later, after selling the farm,
We moved to town, old colours lost their charm.
My mind is fleeting as memories fade,
The pictures were drawn on canvas I made.
What magic stick could assuage my sorrow?
Would Crayola send me one tomorrow?

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Comments

The following comments are for "A little Couplet"
by williamhill

Good Luck
Good luck Williamhill! Your "couplet" is delightful!

Lans

( Posted by: GibsonGirl [Member] On: January 7, 2005 )

Willy...
...hallo hallo! Good on ya for submitting a pretty good piece this write-off time around. At first your use of rhyme bothered me (I have this irrational bias against rhyme), but hey, you won me over in the end. I liked the nostalgic tone of this bad boy, but it seemed like a bit of a ramble. Good, like I sez, but it didn't do it for me in the end.

Thanks for sharing!

-SD

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: January 7, 2005 )

Write off - WH
Charlie,

I adore your style, and this of course does not let me down. You are a wonderful storyteller. I enjoyed this very much. One problem, I can't make up my mind. They are both excellent pieces and deserving of 10's. I call it a tie in my book, ok, ok, but hey that's me.

Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Moderator] On: January 7, 2005 )

Sorry
Technically there is precious little wrong with this. There are a couple of rhymes I wouldn't have used but that's just me and a matter of style.

It was the theme that I just couldn't get hip too. Nostalgia is one of my pet peeves and since "nostalgia" pretty much sums this up I can't say it really appealed to me.

Good work, just not something I personaly find interesting.

May you never thirst

Bliss

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: January 7, 2005 )

write-off, willhill
charlie, you get the high score from me (see my comment to Lans). This poem of yours is rich and satisfying, like what's in the bucket after pa milks the Holsteins. It unifies past and present in "home". A great write, loved it!
Lucie

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: January 7, 2005 )

Nostalgia & rhyme
I am a fan of both but what really made the grade for me was the use of the language. Enjoyed the way you painted up images effortlessly as you wove through the couplets. Wonderful ending too.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: January 7, 2005 )

Well done
This is a nice little piece and I thought both submissions met the challenge really well. I must admit a bias towards free verse, but I'm glad to have read your work.

( Posted by: Alexithymia [Member] On: January 7, 2005 )

It's colors
I loved this piece. And you couldn't have picked a better topic than crayons for this write off. How smart and wonderful of you to come up with that. I like the fact that you developed everything and tied them back to memories also. You should be proud of yourself. Good read.

Grey

( Posted by: GreyButterCups [Member] On: January 7, 2005 )

crayons
A well written poem yarn. 9/10

warm regards,
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: January 8, 2005 )

Will vs Gibson
Great job - thanks for sharing!

One could hardly read a clearer description of a day on the farm than your poem!

However, if I were to seek an item for improvement, I would encourage you to give less "head knowledge" of your setting, and more "heart knowledge." This farm is a fond place for you, let us feel the cold dew, smell the fresh hay, taste the warm thick cream from the holsteins.

I must also commend you for your effort to rhyme - it can be a slippery slope. I say this because in an effort to maintain rhyme and a comfortable cadence, we often bow to weak "cheats". By speaking the obvious or throwing in wasted words just to make it work (trust me, I wrestled with this tonight myself).

[We went coonhunting on the darkest night,
Pa lit the carbide lamp, which made it bright.]

I credit you with writing about what you know. This is a sign of a strong writer.

I really like the use of "crayola". I have also used this and had good feedback - it's such a universal experience.

Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your postings!

( Posted by: FeliciaStone [Member] On: January 8, 2005 )

Like this a lot
Charlie, since you know how much I love you and your work I am sure you will understand.. I am giving my nod to GG, inspite of the fact that I love this story of country things. (See that's why I have never done this before! I hate choosing.) It's just that she got me in with her excellent piece. Well done for yours also. warm regards huni.

( Posted by: Huni [Member] On: January 8, 2005 )

revisiting your piece
Dear William,

I found myself here again today, re-reading your lovely poem. Perhaps I did not take enough care when reading it yesterday. After having read it again, I felt I needed to come back and commend you for your very strong beginning and ending to the poem. I loved how you brought us into the farm with the crayons and how you used the wonderful foreshadowing of the crayons to bring us back to where you started, with some reflective regret. It was very cleverly crafted. Thank you for letting us read and enjoy this!

Felicia

( Posted by: FeliciaStone [Member] On: January 8, 2005 )

williamhill: rating and commenting
I voted very early in this..I'm new here and am learning the ropes as I go...Anyway,I failed to comment and just rated yours. Seems only fair to at least comment to each writer. I enjoyed and took something away from each . Unfortunately, I couldn't give 9.0 to 8.9, as I had to pick one over the other. For my own taste, I felt a bit stronger about the other poem. Both had depth and in my book are both winners. I now hope it ends dead even.

Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: January 8, 2005 )

william.....
I loved this piece from beginning to end. The sweet nostalgia, and melancholy of changing times. Your description, and memories are to be cherished. A very difficult decision to choose here. However as I do enjoy the knack for story telling I say you would get the ten over a 9.5 for GG. Standing up and applauding.

( Posted by: CJHerlihy [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

The WINNER IS:
Congrats William, as of today you can consider yourself the winner. Seems GG has decided to pull out of the race with no explinations. I hate you didn't get to go the completed week, but if you enjoyed your experience I'd be happy to match you up with someone who has joined in, in the past and will go a whole week.

Now as to my view of this piece. It was wonderful from start to finish. It flowed wonderfully and you were really crafty in sticking to the topic at hand. Good work, good sportsmanship and congrats on the win!!!!!

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

sorry william
i meant to put the above comment in another poets comments the new poet "theconcordpoet"--but I had you on my list too, just got mixed up and my list of reviews. I wanted to congratulate you on your win! Great job!

( Posted by: DieBaronHobskewward [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

Hmmm...
...congrats, William, on the win. This write-off has certainly been feisty! It was a close race through and through and you pulled it out in the end.

As a side note...

Nice to see a lot of first time lit.orgers getting involved in the community and sinking their teeth into the write-off. I for one am looking forward to reading some of their stuff - the more the merrier, I sez. Diversity is the spice of life, or something to that effect - I just pray that their literary journey won't end with their single write-off vote.

Again, Wil.liam, congrats on the win, and everyone have a wonderful day :)

-SD

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

Just to clear up
Lans pulled out because the new members signing up gave her the 'heebie jeebies'. That's something I don't understand when the new members were giving her points IN HER FAVOR! She was winning from the start.

She was not threatened with disqualification, I apologized to HER that I had forgotten to tell her AND william to not give out the topic, that it was in bad form. And it's okay to give out the topic AFTER the certain write off is over. As for people guessing the topic or what have you, that's always happened, and always will, its part of how some people judge or rate.

I hate that Lans felt she needed to pull her piece from the write off. I asked her to please change her mind and hold off until Chris and I could talk about it more and make a decision. It's unfortunate but maybe she'll be able to join another write off down the line.

Now back to comments about William's piece, all other off topic comments will be deleted.

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

At least be honest
From the e-mails between you and Lans, "Jessica,

No offense, but please withdraw my piece from the write off. I don't care for the amount of false identity creation that is going down. It's bizarre and gives me the heebie-jeebies. I just don't like it." Where in there does she say "new-members"? Sounds to me like it is the fake members that caused her consternation.

Rumour has it she's been banned, how odd since she hasn't said word one about this today. Am I next? Do you plan to take an Iraqi approach to all dissidents? If so, be a sport and give me enough warning to cut and paste my stuff.

Tyranny when overseeing the essentially trivial does not speak well of your general character Jess.

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

Everyone knows
My email address, I would be happy to talk to any of you via email. But this is for comments on Williams piece.
Jessica@lit.org OR
Jessicamg@gmail.com

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

couplet
I enjoyed your poem. Good memories are the best! Bonnie

( Posted by: bonrudo47 [Member] On: March 26, 2006 )

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