I Saw a Shape
by Huni (Member) - published: January 3, 2005
Word Count: 55 Word Bytes: 336 Viewed: 723 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by Huni

9.36

(11 votes)

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10	brad

10	chapter1

10	Charmr

10	Dareva

8	DonnaJ

10	DrgnFire

8	FangChen

8	R.K.Singh

10	Teflon

9	webguy

10	windchime

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I saw a colour today
a gentle hue,
it's tones were sad and blue.
It caught my eye
and nudged my heart
and tore my day apart.

I saw a shape today
a solid shape
it's edges strong and true.
It caught my eye
and nudged my heart -
it was the shape of you.

------
Not the poem which we have read, but that to which we return, with the greatest pleasure, possesses the power and claims the name of essential poetry.

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Comments

The following comments are for "I Saw a Shape"
by Huni

Teehee
It's like a twisted, grown-up, morbid yet tender version of "Roses are red"

I love it! But "All The Things She Loved" is still my favorite one by you. Sorry.

( Posted by: chinadoll [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

shape/chinadoll
Thanks, and please don't apologise for not liking it as much as "All the things She Loved". There is not much of mine I like better than that one. This one started with me carrying around the phrase 'I saw a shape today', in my head for months. Today I put it straight down with barely an edit. I originally saw it just as the second stanza, but the first one popped out as well. lol. What can you do?

Chinadoll, please tell me what you think of this:

I heard a sound today
a gentle sound,
it's tones were sad and blue.
It caught my ear
and nudged my heart
and tore my day apart.

I saw a shape today
a solid shape
it's edges strong and true.
It caught my eye
and nudged my heart -
it was the shape of you.

After I put this on I thought sounds are so much more evocative and can elicit such strong emotion, that I should have gone with that. regards huni. A fun work in progress.

( Posted by: Huni [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

Huni - Color and Shape
Huni, color and shape go well together than sound and shape, so I wouldn't consider revision. But Chinadoll may have her own opinion so try to wait also.

This is a simple love poem, beautiful in its own right.

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

I heard s sound
Huni,

All of these have caught my interest, but...

'I heard a sound today
a gentle sound,
it's tones were sad and blue.
It caught my ear
and nudged my heart
and tore my day apart.'

Although I like this best you deviate from your rhyming scheme from your second stanza. I am also not sure that your last line quite fits although I think I know where you are aiming with this.

I heard a sound today
a gentle sound,
it's tones were sad and blue.
It caught my ear
and nudged my heart
and ripped my soul in two.

I hope you don't mind but I have tried a diferent final line here to try and get to the meaning I interpret. There are a couple of sounds and songs that bring back very sad memoried to me, so this poetry is very personal and has hit hard, thank you.

I feel it stands on it's own as one stanza and, as I said, needs a revision on the last line(not mine!)... but I still think it is beautiful and would love to see you publish it as a single stanza.

I am sorry if I have sounded critical, but would not have commented had this not captured me.

Thank you omce again,

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

Peter, Ivor
I agree that shape and colour do go together. I'm still more than half inclined to go with sound though for the reasons I gave chinadoll. Maybe Ivor is on the write track. Stick with sound and have a one stanza poem. I wonder if there is a name for that among the intellectuals? thanks Peter

Ivor - critical and Ivor hardly seem to be words I would have ever put in the one sentence. To much of a gentleman to be consider critical in any negative sense. ~smile~ I love that you came by and helped out. You are absolutely right to interpret the effect on the subject in that way. I was going for a more subtle expression of it. Of course it messed up the rhyming tho'. Since I like alliteration when it falls naturally I might keep 'tore' and find a word not so cliché ( to my mind) as 'soul'. Any suggestions?
Glad this effected you Ivor. I hope it wasn't too painful. thanks, huni

( Posted by: huni [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

Huni
Huni,

'and tore my heart in two', sounds right, but it leaves you to revise the previous line!

I love it when a poem of my own is making me chase all over to get it right, but I'll leave this to you...it certainly does not need my 'stamp' on it, and the suggested line was only an example of how I felt!

I'll look forward to seeing this when you post it and incidently it will not invalidate the original which never mentioned sound and I feel has more of a love poem feel to it.

Have Fun,

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

consonance
Like Peter, I like the work without any revisions, although igor/china all have their good reasons.

Structurally, I thought joining the whole thing in a singular stanza will remove the dichotomy of colour and shape. You want them separate and yet one, right? Then it's better as is. It also gives a clearer methapor.

One minor thing that I'm concerned structurally is the use of the word "tone" which is ambiguous -it is both a subject of "sound" and "color" instead of color alone. There is no symmetry there unlike "shape" & "edge". I thought if your desire is to create an ironic dichotomy, better leave the pattern using a word relating to color alone rather than expanding its meaning more assymetrically which accidentally invokes sound in the picture where only color and shape would have been. But perhaps that's too much, even without that though it still is a beautiful piece in its brevity.

The last line which deviates from the rhyming scheme is more powerful (at least for me) when the reader is left anticipating the sound ('art) rather than when it is as one stanza. If it were one it is more an expected deviation rather than a more powerful surprise.

( Posted by: webguy [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

coulour and shape
well use f colour and shape to shape a coloured poem,,,I see you are moving little bit away of ur narrating style..
welldone.
fairgrace

( Posted by: fairgrace [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

huni candy poem
Simply powerful.
I feel struck by this poem in a similar fashion that the narrator was affected by the sound/shape.
Like a scent or song that catches you, and forces remembrance. Odd that the content of the poem should reference the same emotion that it elicits. Maybe not.
For the romantic soul, melencholy and longing are two of the sweetest emotions -- this poem was candy. I've read it 10 times for the pleasure of feeling. Thanks, Brad

( Posted by: brad [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

Long way to the box.
But worth the trip! I like the original as it appears at the top of the page. That was quite a number of responses. I think this must be a good one. thanks!

( Posted by: SamPark [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

LOVELY!
this poem is fantastic....i love the fact that its so sweet and simple. its lovely!

-megan

( Posted by: seriousinsanity [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

...
Personally, I think you've already gotten some excellent feedback and advice, Huni.. but I think in this case, and for this particular poem, the choice should be whatever moves you more. Are you more likely to be moved by a canvas streaked with a bold, strong color, or by the last fading notes of a violin? What really pulls at your heart more, sound or color?

For me, sound can hold more sway over my emotions than color, but I do agree with Peter that color and shape seem to "fit" together more than sound and shape.

And as much as I liked the usage of "tone" when I first read the poem through, I see webguy's point.

But really, the poem was so lovely the first time through, and even now as I read it again (and again.. and again ;)~) I am inclined to say... it's wonderful just the way it is.

Sorry, I know I wasn't much help. :)

( Posted by: chinadoll [Member] On: January 4, 2005 )

Sound
I like the way this reads.

( Posted by: DrgnFire [Member] On: January 5, 2005 )

huni's shape and hue
All I want to say is that this poem is having a very nice effect on me, with or without the sound component. To me, there is always a mysterious and powerful connection between the eyes and the heart, one which you have manged to give life to in this poem, and to make evocative. Thank you, huni, for doing thit!
Lucie

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: January 5, 2005 )

shape/colour/sounds
I am just going to thanks everyone for commenting and rating. I'm overwhelmed. Usually I would reply to all separately but now the write off is over I just want to get and read all the good work on here. so thanks again all. huni. PS I will do a rewrite of this later though.

( Posted by: huni [Member] On: January 7, 2005 )

Simply Gorgeous!
So simple yet it says so much with so few words. I truley enjoyed reading this poem and will keep an eye on your poetry in the future! In my opinion you don't need to re-write this poem. It's kinda like, if it ain't broke, don't fix it...ya know?

( Posted by: Doc [Member] On: January 8, 2005 )

Doc/thanks
Thank you for such great comments Doc. Maybe you are right. Rather than try to 'fix it' I am thinking that I will write one more stanza, sort out the rhyming issue and resubmit later down the track. thanks again for your interest. huni.

( Posted by: huni [Member] On: January 9, 2005 )

I rated this a while back
but never got back to comment on this as I wanted to. I see you have many comments Huni. I also noticed you are posting more and I have been reading every day, just not into commenting.
I really enjoyed this one, and I do think one more stanza may just do it more justice but I like it as it is...really nice work to stop by and read your postings.
Darlene

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: January 11, 2005 )

Something here!
but I think there is more to be squeezed from this. Don't think to hard and it will come when you turn your back ;)

I appreciate your comments and advice. Thanks.

( Posted by: DonnaJ [Member] On: January 13, 2005 )

imagine
This spirit could stimulate the flow creative juice on WF's Rhyming words, Shakespearean Dialog, etc.

T.

( Posted by: Teflon [Member] On: January 15, 2005 )

Your command of words
Huni,

I love this just as it is. The abruptness at the end is appropriate for the meaning I surmised.

Something about your work stirs me so. This one clutched at my heart, with that feeling I get when my eye catches the image of someone truly loved and lost (to circumstance or death). The familiar similarity throws us through a loop before taking that second look and finding out it is not "that person".

When I read your work, I can fully understand why women so easily fall in love with poets. The heart behind your work is very attractive.

Much Respect,

Felicia

( Posted by: FeliciaStone [Member] On: April 14, 2005 )

shape
I just "found" this- thanks!

( Posted by: drsoos [Member] On: April 14, 2005 )

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