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His head rests neatly on a pillow of snowy white
He sleeps, peaceful, unfettered by the dreams and deeds of day
Eyes of hazel closed tightly,
Flutter as his mind paints moving pictures of his desires
His arms, carved from slabs of a a dark nameless stone, curl around his slack jaw
Under heaven's light he reposes,
Protected from my longing stare
He shifts, my heart flutters like his lids
He looks so happy, untouched by my lustful prayers
Yet I want him to awaken and taste me with those tiger eyes, and those soft lips, the glorious arms fit only for statues of Greek gods


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The following comments are for "Blessed Adonis"
by DarkMagic

to DarkMagic
The irregular meter really really ruins the restful scene. And how exactly does eyes flutter?

Metaphorical Adonis, across fine through the last three lines though I am not sure if he is a good comparison considering the tragic end of the character.

Blessed Adonis? You really need to show how is Adonis blessed. What is he(male beauty of Venus' desire?), what is I mentioned in the poem? I thought you meant his innocence during sleep, an ignorant bliss, but the last line is very unsatisfactory in accomplishing that. Maybe an extra line will help.

The concept is pretty good but more structured details and increase in lyricalism will really help.

Strictly personal opinions late in the night.

( Posted by: Furius [Member] On: May 20, 2002 )

yeah
this needs more detail, i think, but, y'know, when you get your "lustful prayers" answered... can i have a turn?

( Posted by: nimue_the_mighty [Member] On: June 29, 2004 )





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