Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
0.00

(0 votes)

You must login to vote

i hate the snow
i hate my life
i love the blood
spilled from the knife
i love pain
yet to come
i love the death
im not runnin from
i do not love the people
or the fact that there is hope
i love the pale, dead body
swinging from that rope
i love the fact
there is no life
because i spilled my blood
with a silver hot knife

------
~trish~

dearest lord...thank you for my friends who care, the ones who help me when i have the smallest look of sorrow on my face. <3.


Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "death number three"
by how do i live with this shame

Hiya Trish
Good to see you back onsite again. I've read all three of your 'Death' poems. This one is my favourite, but you just need to tighten up lines 9, 10 and 11 a bit. If I might suggest this:
'don't love the people
or the fact there's hope
i love the pale body'

Try that and see if it works for you.
Take care
Paul the Ogg

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: December 27, 2004 )

Angst
I'll opt not to jump on you for the overdone teenaged angst and concentrate instead on a couple of technical points:

"i love the blood
spilled from the knife" Unless the knife itself is bleeding you want to change "from" to "by" or "off of" or "spilling from" though if you take the latter you will want to change the root "spill" to something like "dripping", "pouring", "sliding" or something like that.

All in all I have read far too many poems just like this to really care one way or the other. Shock fades with familiarity.

May you never thirst

Bliss

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: December 29, 2004 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: